When there s a single thief it s robbery When there are a thousand thieves it s taxation

If you're texting Magnus to say 'I think u r kewl' I'm going to kill you

You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone.

Like a welcome summer rain humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth the air and you

A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.

How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?

If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business.

Neither sleet nor rain nor a half inch of snow will compel me to dress like a lumberjack.

There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t

It was unbelievable. She was standing there, staring at him like he was a real rock star.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I had a dream about you last night... You tried to propose with a digital ceramic heater.

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.

I feel like someone who has a parade named in their honor, and doesn’t get invited.

Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.