I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way.

That boy may have been born on third base but he sure as shit ain’t scored a triple.

Children use all their wiles to get their way with adults Adults do the same with children

The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.

Orafoura paid me in pajamas, and I let him because the pajamas matched his plaid mustache.

I just called the paparazzi a bunch of professional photographers and now they want to sue

My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.

I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

I had a dream about you last night... you sat in a cardboard box and said you were a tree.

If this is coffee please bring me some tea; but if this is tea please bring me some coffee

I went to the mountains, but they were closed. Apparently I wasn’t on Mountain Time.

The great question is not whether you have failed but whether you are content with failure

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police put down the video camera and come help me