I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.

I`ve been in love with the same women for forty years - if my wife finds out she`ll kill me

The biggest problem with quotes found on the internet is that they re never really accurate

My two legs are like one pretzel when I sit on the floor. If only love were so intertwined.

Shane looked…pale. Pale and shaken and—how predictable was this?—pissed.

Comedy has to be based on truth You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end

If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.

Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne one sits on one sits on one s bottom

Adam was the only man who when he said a good thing knew that nobody had said it before him

My dad used to collect empty beer bottles which is a nice way of saying he was an alcoholic

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well They have the same enemy the mothe

He didn't want me to get hurt? Wow. Just wow. I might actually be close to a swoon here

Some girls want to be a princess when they grow up. I wanted to be in a bad bitch girl gang.

He will not let you come barging in to his world like the proverbial bull in the china shop.

A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish Imagine what he d do for some chips