Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don t get sick you re missing half the fun

Well, that cinched it. He was an asshole. I was definitely going to end up sleeping with him.

I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.

She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A Genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

Humor is an affirmation of dignity a declaration of man s superiority to all that befalls him

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.

I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff.

All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I've got to figure out how that happened.

When our dreams were nothing more than pancake batter, I was there for her, making breakfast.

Experience is the best teacher I've ever had. I'm sorry, Mr. Sortz, but it's true.

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life choose a sense of humo

I'm tired, I'm hungry and I have a head in a bag," I warned him. "Do not fuck with me.

A person is pronounced great when he can face a difficult situatin with happiness and laughte

I am approximately 96.694444% in love with you. Of course, that’s just a rough estimate.