I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.

There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humo

Guess we're going north," Dev said slowly."Everyone, follow Lassie.Timmy's in the well.

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.

There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humo

Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.

Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.

Anna is sweet and all but it s sad the only time people take him seriously is when he is hungry

don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male

Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.

I love the sunrise, but not as much as I love you. Will you pass me my midnight-black blindfold?

The list of women he’s slept with is longer than his penis. The list is three inches long.