What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

It was like hiking into a Hemingway story; everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext.

You can't put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I'd demand coupons for clones.

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out

I had a dream about you last night... Well I say dream I mean nightmare... you were a Yankee fan.

You’re far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You’re far better suited as a wife.

If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred

Funny thing- Morgenstern's folk's were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor.

I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs.

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.

Middle Age: That time when you finally get your head together then your body starts falling apart

I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.