My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.

In high school I tried out for the spelling team, but only because I really wanted a letter jacket.

The shortest horror story:The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

If Duncan was ever into men then he's been so far in the closet he's been living in Narnia.

Comedy is surprises so if you re intending to make somebody laugh and they don t laugh that s funny

Remember the hand of God in the 1986 World Cup Now the hand of God has brought us an Argentine pope

I am my own love story. And I want to tell my love story, from the inside. Just add water and stir.

We have allowed the system to be so corrupted that many want justice to be "empathetic," not blind.

I lied. I do that, you know, when it suits me. I would have thought you'd realized that by now.

People keep asking "Jacob or Edward?" when the really important question is "Diamond Dave or Sammy?

Come here, cat. You wouldn’t want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow.

If you don t read the newspaper you are uninformed If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed

I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral.

I’ve always felt that Mimi was a doubly selfish name. It’s all about me, not you, Mimi.