The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes

I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.

I don t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying

Complaining is good for you as long as you re not complaining to the person you re complaining about

A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer.


I beg your pardon; I am drunk without a drink. English wine & words are vulnerable to every man.

I always procrastinate It allows me to do what I want now without sacrificing my goals for the future

I have discovered that the easiest way to make my nose appear smaller is to wear a Speedo on my head.

And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.

And the last thought he had that morning as he closed his eyes was: I hope the tornado hit the moose.

As you get older three things happen The first is your memory goes and I can t remember the other two

Money won t buy happiness but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem

I love like an albino. But I don’t want to get sunburned, so would you please pass the ketchup?

Love in France is a comedy; in England a tragedy; in Italy an opera Seria; and in Germany a melodrama

I am an expert of electricity My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison