I don’t like Dijon or honey mustard. No, the only kind of mustard I like is #FFFF00 mustard.

I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal!

Brooklyn has always been considered second-class to Manhattan but that s only Manhattan s thinking

It is always the best policy to tell the truth unless of course you are an exceptionally good lia

Destiny is what you are supposed to do in life Fate is what kicks you in the ass to make you do it

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot

Sketchy black van? Weird stalking of my house? What are you going to do next, offer me some candy?

I would rather make love than war, but only because condoms kill millions of lives more enjoyably.

A laugh is a surprise And all humor is physical I was always athletic so that came naturally to me

I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert.

I just wrote a book. But don't go and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finished.

Humor results when society says you can t scratch certain things in public but they itch in public

Hey, Mr. Nakata. Gramps. Fire! Flood! Earthquake! Revolution! Godzilla's on the loose! Get up!

Hey, Geekoid!" yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV?

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hai