Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remembe

For all of life’s problems, blame my father. He was never there for me, not even at conception.

I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it.

A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow, both physically and intellectually.


I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?

There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.

I love deadlines I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by Douglas Adams The Salmon of Doubt

Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.

A mother’s love: the sacred relationship of affording a nanny so as to be tolerated as a granny.

As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.

Spontaneous human combustion is for superstitious atheists. I believe in deliberate human combustion.

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs - jolted by every pebble in the road

I’ll be 30 in March, and it feels just like yesterday that I thought tomorrow will soon be today.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.