I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield.

Wait a minute, hold on... The dude dies, and the girl cries so hard that she gets turned into a fountain?

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels....

It took time but eventually I developed a special attachment to my mother-in-law It fitted over her mouth

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs It s jolted by every pebble on the road

Maxon: “To be clear, no one agrees with you.”America: “To be clear, I don’t care.

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

Why is it that when we talk to God we re said to be praying but when God talks to us we re schizophrenic?

Be careful, though.""Aren't I always?""No, I think the word for how you usually are is 'reckless.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.

I am not the Bird of Love I once thought I was. But my silence suggests I may be the Pterodactyl of Love.

His name is Randy Randy. Or maybe it’s Randy Randy. I always get his first and last names mixed up.

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.

All this talk of lost love has made me hungry. I eat like a horse and stand tall and proud like a jockey.

They ve finally come up with the perfect office computer If it makes a mistake it blames another compute