Your leftover meatloaf makes me horny. Let us make love like the first squirt from a new bottle of ketchup.

Someone once defined humor as a way to keep from killing yourself I keep my sense of humor and I stay alive

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I want to make a memorial for our turkey. Never has a bird been so tortured to provide such a lousy dinner.

I realize that humor isn t for everyone It s only for people who want to have fun enjoy life and feel alive

This is an Aston Martin, Gin.You don't run over dead bodies in an Aston Matin.""Tell that to James Bond

I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.

I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack.

What's a wingding? Why, a wingding is, uh...it's just like a shindig but without all the hullabaloo.

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man; a debt he proposes to pay off with your money

My advice to you: Just be yourself. That’s what I’m trying to do. So, can I borrow your clothes?

I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.

I’m thinking of moving my cloning factory to someplace less visible, like in front of a fogged mirror.

If two heads are better than one, then what about double chins? On that note, I will help myself to seconds.

I'd rather have rabies than be in love.""Why?""Because at least you can get over rabies with some shots.