I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.

Stupid Romanian bloodsucker. He was lucky I hadn't bestowed another exalted scar on his imperial body.

The past is the past. I believe that people can change, under the right conditions (like plastic surgery).

Famous people steal my quotes all of the time without knowing; none of it is ever very interesting though.

Fashion Tip Number 12: Gray is not the color to wear if you want to get noticed in a smoky, dingy dungeon.

Love is an ideal thing marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.

I mop my floor with a wet cloud. My love tissues are full of eye rain. Dinner will be served at breakfast.

I realize that humor isn t for everyone It s only for people who want to have fun enjoy life and feel alive

I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.

Your pants are unseasonably bitch. I beg your pardon. Excuse me, madam, but you are sitting on my erection.

I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.

I thank God daily for the good fortune of my birth, for I am certain I would have made a miserable peasant.

I eat soup with chopsticks—and straws. And I make love with the surgical precision of a sledgehammer.

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.