A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

No, officer, I have no idea why I'm wearing this possum costume. I called you what? OH. My bad."-Nastasya

When I hear Jazz, my first instinct is to lean over to the guy next to me and whisper, "Fourth floor, please.

A little vanilla never hurt anybody.” He nipped her ankle. “Great shoes by the way. Sexy as hell.

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.


I'm bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is "In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.

Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women And I hope I never get into that

You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.

Problem was, he couldn’t masturbate his sexual desires away because he’d fry off his cock." Hecto

Scoot over, man. I don't like you that much." "Dick. That's not what you said last night.""Bite me.

Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior, and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.

And oil's not supposed to mix with water. But then someone invented mayonnaise, and wham - instant mixing.

What’s said in silence is best viewed in darkness. I learned that while reading a bowl of Alphabet Soup.