English is a funny language; that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway

I want my relationship with my girlfriend to be built on trust, not toothpicks, rubber bands, and lentil beans.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste

Rule number four for me as a writer? Plotlines are like sharks: They either keep moving or they die. ~J.R. Ward

Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.

Google “brooklyn writer” and you’ll get, Did you mean: the future of literature as we know it?

Everything human is pathetic The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow There is no humor in heaven

Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I think you just saved my life.The Doctor: Believe me... It was an accident.

A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you.

I claim neither liberalism nor conservatism - one tends to be airheaded while the other tends to be brickheaded.

Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was when I started.

I love apricots. They’re so fuzzy they’re furry. They’re like little pets you can eat legally.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk The trouble is I can t remember if it s the thirteenth or the fourteenth