All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage They ve experienced pain and bought jewellery

In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says?

Did I hurt you in the parking lot?""No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car."Great.

I guess we're oil and water. (Phoebe)I'd say we're more like gasoline and a blowtorch. (Dan)

Cloud nine gets all the publicity but cloud eight actually is cheaper less crowded and has a better view

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking and then I thought: What good would that do?

I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.

Paddy Eagan, stay away from falling signs for a bit and you'll be as right as rain come the weekend.

As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.

Bones just stared. "You're not a woman," he said finally. "You're the Grim Reaper with red hair!

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen.

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

If god meant for people to talk into cellphones, he would've put our mouths on the side of our heads.