The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers The original meal has never been found

If four or five guys tell you that you re drunk even though you know you haven t had a thing to drink the least you can do is to lie down a little while

O God that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains that we should with joy pleasance revel and applause transform ourselves into beasts

A man who was fond of wine was offered some grapes at dessert after dinner Much obliged said he pushing the plate aside I am not accustomed to take my wine in pills

It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat

Everything I eat has been proved by some doctor or other to be a deadly poison and everything I don t eat has been proved to be indispensable for life But I go marching on

I can make dressing - or stuffing Y all call it stuffing up here we call it dressing down there It s really good dressing That family recipe was passed on and I love to make that

Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer Oh I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza

The greatest delight the fields and woods minister is the suggestion of an occult relation between man and the vegetable I am not alone and unacknowledged They nod to me and I to them

Champagne if you are seeking the truth is better than a lie detector It encourages a man to be expansive even reckless while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully

I don t even drink I can t stand the taste of alcohol Every New Year s Eve I try one drink and every time it makes me feel sick So I don t touch booze - I m always the designated drive