If heat makes things expand; I don t have a weight problem I am just hot

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking He called me a quitte

Drive carefully - It s not only cars that can be recalled by their make

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you re still a rat

If one learn from one s mistakes then I am getting a fantastic education

I see you ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it

One good thing about Alzheimer s is you get to meet new people every day

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you re on

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women

People who think they re out of this world always make you wish they were

I used to be afraid of the dark Now I m terrified of the electricity bill

If you can t laugh at yourself you may be missing the joke of the century

I only use deodorant under one arm so I know what I would have smelled of

Sympathy is what you give a relative when you don t want to lend him cash