Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy'Albert Einstein

You saved Dad's life. If anyone's got the right to eavesdrop on him, it's you.

If my hair was on fire and llamas came to put it out, he'd tell me the shot was great.

What can I say? I'm like a playground water fountain, I live to wet people's pants.

I grabbed a shovel and dug, and dug, and dug.Sorry not a very poetic thought, but very deep.

I didn’t know if I could stop her with one blow. But I could whack the crap out of her.

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

And I figured you'd drive a four-hour round-trip before giving up your car to someone else

Hey, don’t knock it. It still runs. Most of the time, even after I turn it off.” Jo

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

I guess it’s worth a shot.” More than likely a wasted bullet, but I’ll fire anyway.

Be thankful you're alive, have as much sex as possible. Because you will be a full on boner soon.