Never argue with an idiot They drag you down to their level and then they beat you with experience

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world I know because I ve done it thousands of times

I think part of a best friend s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl always give her the benefit of the doubt

After you ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident you begin to worry about history

Sure God created man before woman But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and announce your name?

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage

He was so mean It hurts him if he has to go for a pee because he has to give something away for nothing

Never hold your farts in They travel up your spine into your brain and that s were you get shitty ideas

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking and then I thought: What good would that do?

Leisure originally meant an opportunity to do something It has come to mean an opportunity to do nothing