Nelson Mandela is at home watching the box when there is a knock at his door He gets up and answers it there is a Chinese bloke with clipboard and behind him is a lorry full of exhaust pipes You sign you sign yells the Chinese Nelson looks at the truck and tells the Chinese bloke that he has got the wrong bloke Next day Nelson is watching a film when there is a knock on his door It s the same Chinese bloke and behind him is truck full of brake parts You Sign You Sign screams the Chinese bloke and pushes the clipboard under Nelson s nose Look you Twat ” snarls Nelson You ve got the wrong bloke I don t want brake parts you ve got the wrong bloke again Next day Nelson is sitting in the chair reading a magazine when there is a knock on the door It s the Chinese bloke again behind him are two trucks filled with engine parts The Chinese bloke screams at Nelson You sign you sign Well that s it Nelson loses his wig and picks the Chinese bloke up by his shirt and yells Look I don t want these Do you understand? You must have the wrong man Who do you want to give these to? The Chinese bloke looks at his clipboard and says You not Nissan Maindealer?

A lady bought a new 100 000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home Halfway home she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer Once at the dealer she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working and they must replace it since she only had one radio station The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word country and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song She was satisfied and started home After a while she decided to try out the radio and said rock `n` roll; the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers Quite pleased the woman continued driving A few blocks from her house another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision The woman angrily exclaimed Asshole The radio cut over to George Bush`s press conference

A man passed away and went to Heaven When he arrived at the Pearly Gates St Peter said Come on in I`ll show you around You`ll like it here While walking through the gates the man noticed clocks everywhere There were grandfather clocks wall clocks watches and clocks in every corner It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse The man questioned St Peter What`s the deal? Why are all these clocks here in Heaven? The clocks keep track of things on earth There is one clock for each person Every time that person on earth tells a lie his clock moves ahead one minute St Peter continued For instance this clock is for Sam the used car salesman Sam sells a lot of used cars so the minute hand on his clock moves all day long The man and St Peter continued walking Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand Whose clock is that? asked the man That clock belongs to the Widow Mary She is one of the finest God-fearing people on earth I`ll bet her clock hasn`t moved in a year or two When the tour was finished the man said You know I ve seen everyone`s clock but President Clinton`s Where`s his clock? Saint Peter smiled and replied Look overhead We use his clock for a ceiling fan

One day Bill Clinton is riding in his Limousine and he said to the driver You know I used to love driving very much when I was young and I haven`t done it for a long time Why don`t you let me drive for once? The driver thinks to himself Well I can`t say no to this guy he`s the president So the driver pulls over and they change places Bill was having fun zooming down the freeway dodging and overtaking cars After a while the driver taps on the window and tells Bill Mr President slow down a bit You`re doing over a hundred and fifty miles an hour Bill says ahhh don`t worry about it I`m the President So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast After a few moments he gets pulled over The cop walks to the car and Bill rolls down the tinted window and says: Do you know who I`am? The cop sees the President and says oh I ehhh sorry can you hold on a minute Bill says Sure The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station He says guys I just pulled over some one very important and I need advice on how to handle this They ask whom The mayor? No much more important The governor? More important The President? No even more important Well who is it? I don`t know but Bill Clinton is his chauffeu

At Heathrow Airport in England a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses As they rode toward Buckingham Palace each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets all was going well This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous earth-shattering eye-smarting blast of flatulence and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes Uncomfortable but maintaining control the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation She turned to Mr Bush and explained Mr President please accept my regrets I m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control Bush replied Your Majesty please don t give the matter another thought You know if you hadn t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London there was a professor whose last name was Peters who felt animosity for Gandhi and because Gandhi never lowered his head towards him their arguments were very common One day Mr Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor The professor in his arrogance said Mr Gandhi: you do not understand a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat Gandhi replies You do not worry professor I ll fly away and he went and sat at another table Mr Peters green of rage decides to take revenge on the next test but Gandhi responds brilliantly to all questions Then Mr Peters asked him the following question Mr Gandhi if you are walking down the street and find a package and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take? Without hesitating Gandhi responded The one with the money of course Mr Peters smiling said I in your place would have taken the wisdom don t you think? Each one take what one doesn t have responded Gandhi indifferently Mr Peters already hysteric writes on the exam sheet the word idiot and gives it to Gandhi Gandhi takes the exam sheet and sits down A few minutes later Gandhi goes to the professor and says Mr Peters you signed the sheet but you did not give me the grade

Interviewer: Alia according to you which is the best team in IPL 7 so far? Alia Bhatt: Sunrisers Hyderabad because all have orange caps Deepika: Will you come to see my Chennai Express? Alia: No IRCTC site is not working Alia Bhatt is so dumb that she thought Pani Puri Sev Puri are all relatives of Amrish Puri Chetan Bhagat: What s the opposite of IIT? Alia: U UCoffee Arnab: What s the first name of Modi? Alia: Abki Baar Aamirv Khan: How did India get Indipendence? Alia: When you hit a six against England Mahesh Bhaat: Vote dene chalein? Alia Bhaat: Papa aap miss call karke bhi vote de sakthe hain maine kal DID mein dekha tha Einstein says: Be friends with Alia Bhatt and feel like a genius all the time Scene: Alia Bhatt on KBC Q Alia which of the following is the largest? A A Peanut B An Elephant C The Moon D A Kettle Alia: It s B An Elephant Alia Bhatt in Arnab Goswami s studio Arnab Goswami: Alia Who will win the elections? Alia: Aam aadmi party because its aam ka season Scene: Alia Bhatt on Koffee With Karan Karan: Alia who was the first person to climb Mount Everest? Alia: Simple the person who made it Scene: Boman Irani asks Alia Boman: Alia do you know MS office? Alia: If you tell me the address I ll know Scene: Alia Bhatt on Koffee With Karan (rapid fire) Karan: Alia which food do you love the most? Alia: Desi Karan: And which dish? Alia: Pasta

Once Rajnikanth taught a baby to talk that baby was named Arnab Goswami Arnab s wife never argues with him as she is afraid of losing Most of the self proclaimed evidence papers he waves on his show Newshour are grocery lists written by his wife When Arnab Goswami was in school he used to answer every question with 33 questions Arnab Goswami s maid once fainted due to low BP after Goswami questioned her absence from duty Once a service manager at a prominent 5-star hotel asked Arnab for feeback on his stay The manager was released only after Goswami asked him 74 questions To calculate the longest Arnab Goswami has ever paused IIT - Delhi is working on a device that can record time in nanoseconds Proposed airport near Times Now studio cancelled as noise from The Newshour could weaken structure Bennet Coleman is proposing to place a mini turbine inside Arnab Goswami s throat the resultant electricity can power all the Times group buildings in Delhi Area Pakistan s former dictator Parvez Musharraf had 5 military interrogators question him non-stop for 34 hours in preparation for his first appearance on Newshour If Arnab Goswami had been in Jail with Kasab the hanging won t happen because Arnab won t let him complete his sentence To commemorate Arnab Goswami s 1000th Debate a new all-caps font is being released that seems like it is shouting at you It will be called the TIMES NOW ROMAN From the moon you can see the Great Wall of China and you can hear Arnab Goswami shouting The Nation Wants to Know Arnab Goswami is fluent in English but weak in Grammar he has not mastered the full stop and comma

Tiger Shroff is so smooth that he should replace Katrina kaif in Veet ads How many of you believe that Tiger Shroff is an endangered species even before his first release? Don t be mean guys Give a big round of applause to Tiger Shroff for an outstanding Oscar winning performance in Life of Pi Tiger Shroff s debut movie would premier on Animal Planet Once Tiger Shroff was locked in the room by Jackie Shroff Tiger Shroff updated his Whatsapp status as: I m Sherlocked Son = Jackie Shroff Looks = Jackie Chan Career graph like = Jackie Bhagnani Heropanti is Jackie Shroff s attempt to be a responsible citizen by contributing to Tiger conservation project All the movies of Tiger Shroff will carry the message No animals were harmed in this film Reporter: What s your favorite movie? Tiger Shroff : Ek Tha Tiger Why is Jackie Shroff s Son Religious? A) Because he Preys regularly Why does Tiger Shroff look like Shekhar Suman s son rather than Jackie Shroff s Coz they have the same shade of lipsticks Every time I think I have seen everything Universe shocks me with a new revelation Just saw a Tiger Shroff Fan Club twitter handle According to government only 1411 left in India but is it excluding or including tiger shroff ?? Wondering who is the prettier star kid Alia Sonam or Tiger Shroff? If Tiger Shroff becomes famous his wax statue will be kept in Jim Corbett Park instead of Madam Tussaud s Tiger Shroff is trending because Tiger is our National animal Save the tigers Only 1411 left Tiger Shroff: Make it 1412 Tiger se darr nahi lagta sahab Tiger shroff se lagta hai - Indians Tiger Shroff s favorite market is Karol Bagh Tiger Shroff will never ever beaten in any movie coz it will be against animal rights

Mukeshbhai gets up from his bed room on 15th floor takes a swim in the swimming pool on 17th floor has breakfast on the 19th floor dresses up for office on 14th floor collects his files and office bag from his personal office on 21st floor wishes Bye to Nitabhabhi on 16th floor says See You to his children on 13th floor and goes down on 3rd floor to self drive his 2 5 Crore Mercedes to office but then he finds out that he has forgotten the car keys upstairs But on which floor? 15th 17th 19th 14th 21st 16th or 13th ? He phones all his servants cooks maids secretaries pool attendants gym trainers etc on all the floors There is a hectic search and lot of running about on all the floors but thekey is not traceable Fed up after half an hour Mukeshbhai leaves in a chauffeur driven ordinary Ikon car At 3 30 P M late in the afternoon it is discovered that 4 days back a temporary replacement maid had washed Mukeshbhai s pants and hung it to dry on a string in the balcony of 16th floor with car keys in the pant pocket They had blown away somewhere in the high winds at 16th floor level and was never found This was found out because of Nitabhabhi s habit of checking clothes given for ironing personally Meanwhile after 3 days of the incident Nita bhabhi with all irritation writ large on her face complained to Mukesh bhai asking him where he was roaming till 3 am last night Mukesh replied that he was at home all night `Then why did the helicopter land in the terrace at 3 am? I was so worried I could not sleep whole night quizzed Nita bhabhi Oh that helicopter` That helicopter came from Germany sent by guys from BMW to deliver the duplicate car key mumbled Mukesh Moral of The Story: A two bed room flat is a better choice

So where s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? - Christina Aguilera What’s Wal-Mart? Do they sell like wall stuff?” - Paris Hilton Question: If you could live forever would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever because we should not live forever because if we were supposed to live forever then we would live forever but we cannot live forever which is why I would not live forever --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world I can t help but cry I mean I d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff - Mariah Carey Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can t remember what they are - Matt Lauer on NBC s Today Show I haven t committed a crime What I did was fail to comply with the law - David Dinkins New York City Mayor answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes Smoking kills If you re killed you ve lost a very important part of your life - Brooke Shields during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign I ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body - Winston Bennett Univ of KY basketball forward I m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers We are the president - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and I m just the one to do it - A Congressional Candidate in Texas It isn t pollution that s harming the environment It s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it - Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle

Bollywood has always the butt of jokes on social networking sites Earlier it was twitter jokes and memes ranging from Alok nath tiger shroff alia bhatt and so on And now the latest is about celebrity websites Here are some of the funniest ones we came across Shah Rukh Khan: http://IamAboveEveryone com http://kkkkkkkiiraaannn com http://iamalsoceleberity com http://NarcissistMeMyself com Salman Khan made a scandalous confession on Karan Johar s show Koffee with Karan about being single Hence the jokes are targeted to this status of the Khan http://Bachalor com VirginBachelor 50 com http://VIRGINia com http://bhaijaan com http://Remake com Abhishek Bachchan has fewer hits to his name and jokes are being made about his association with the Bachchans and his brand endorsements http://www Ihavenoidea com http://www wellapanti com http://AishwaryaKaPati com http://AmitabhKaBeta com http://JayaBachchanKaBeta com http://AaradhyaKaPapa com Katrina Kaif has also come under the ire of Twitter jokes The beautiful actress is made fun of for her association with Salman Khan and her acting talents http://SalmanKiMeherbaani com http://thegreatnessofsallu com http://NoActingOnlySmileNDance com http://MujheKoiHindiSikhao com Alia Bhatt was criticised for her lack of general knowledge The actress has experienced several oops moments too While she has been the butt of jokes in the past there are some quirky names being suggested for her http://iknointernet com http://whatiswebsite com http://BlackHairedBlonde com http://wikibhatt com http://Getknowledge com The perfectionist Khan of Bollywood Aamir Khan also has a few gags doing the round And it is not just Aamir Khan but even Imran Khan who is being joked about One-more-take-pls com http://SeriouslyPerfectionist com http://Waitingoneyearforamovie com Imran Khan http://ActorBecauseOfMamu com