The Sultan of a great city was annoyed by the cheats and liars who entered his gates and caused trouble He therefore set soldiers at all entrances The soldiers were under orders to hang those who lied about their purpose for wishing to enter The Mulla Nasruddin saddled his donkey and rode to the city At the gate a guard stopped him and asked his purpose in wishing to enter and warned him that a lie would result in his being hanged This is good for I have come to be hanged said Nasruddin You are a liar and will certainly hang said the guard Then you know I have spoken the truth and should not be hanged said Nasruddin

Mulla Nasruddin s young wife recently returned from her honeymoon was complaining to her friend about her husband s drinking habits If you knew he drank why did you marry him? her friend asked I did not know he drank said Nasruddin s wife until one night he came home SOBER

Mulla Nasruddin was round at his fiancee s home having a serious talk with her father Sir I d like to marry your daughter he announced His girl s father looked at him Have you seen my wife yet? he asked OH YES SIR replied Nasruddin BUT IF YOU DON T MIND I WOULD STILL PREFER YOUR DAUGHTER SIR

It was their first quarrel Mulla Nasruddin was coming off worst until he brought his bride s family into the argument Your father is an old drunkard he stated with venom Your mother is a nagger and your brother is an idle layabout Can t you say one decent thing about my family? she asked sarcastically YES JUST ONE replied Nasruddin THEY WERE ALL OPPOSED TO OUR MARRIAGE

Mulla Nasruddin called on a psychiatrist and told him that he had problems and needed help I want to talk to you said the Mulla because my ethics have not been what they should be and my conscience is bothering me I understand the psychiatrist said and you want me to help you build up a stronger will power is that it? NO said Nasruddin THAT S NOT IT I WANT YOU TO TRY TO WEAKEN MY CONSCIENCE

Mulla Nasruddin decided to settle down and narrowed his choice between a beautiful but dumb doll and an opera singer He finally chose brains and culture and married the singer They spent their wedding night at a swanky hotel When Nasruddin opened his eyes the next morning and the dawn s early light began to shine upon his bride he looked at her and shuddered and cried out: SING FOR GOD S SAKE SING

Funny you have not been to see me before the doctor barked at Mulla Nasruddin Have you consulted any other doctor about your condition? No Sir stammered the Mulla Only the chemist Good Heavens man snorted the doctor Have no sense? This just shows how stupid people can be The chemist is not medically qualified - you had right to consult him And what nonsense did he tell you? HE TOLD ME TO COME AND SEE YOU said Nasruddin

This is a lesson in logic said the old professor in the teahouse If the show starts at nine and dinner is at six and my son has the measles and my brother drives a Cadillac how old am I? You are eighty-four replied Mulla Nasruddin promptly Right said the professor Now tell the rest of the fellows here how you arrived at the correct answer It is easy said Nasruddin I have got an uncle who is forty-two and he is only half nuts You must be eighty-fou

Mulla Nasruddin and his wife went to Israel for their holidays and visited a night club in Tel Aviv A comedian was on the bill who did his whole act in Hebrew Nasruddin s wife sat through the comic s act in silence but Nasruddin roared with laughter at the end of each joke I didn t know you understood Hebrew she said to the Mulla when the comedian had concluded his act I don t replied Nasruddin Well how come you laughed so much at his jokes? AH said Nasrudin I TRUSTED HIM

Mulla Nasruddin and his wife went to Israel for their holidays and visited a night club in Tel Aviv A comedian was on the bill who did his whole act in Hebrew Nasruddin s wife sat through the comic s act in silence but Nasruddin roared with laughter at the end of each joke I didn t know you understood Hebrew she said to the Mulla when the comedian had concluded his act I don t replied Nasrudin Well how come you laughed so much at his jokes? AH said Nasruddin I TRUSTED HIM

One night Mulla Nasrudin s father noticed a light in his barn He went to see what it was all about and he found Nasrudin with a lantern all dressed up What are you doing all dressed up and with that lantern? asked his father I am going to call on my girlfriend Dad said Nasrudin I have got to go through the woods and it is dark When I was your age calling on my wife for the first time said the father I went through the woods without a lantern I KNOW said Nasruddin BUT LOOK WHAT YOU GOT DAD

One day Mulla Nasrudin visited a large department store to buy his wife some nylon hose Inadvertently he got caught in a mad rush at a counter where a bargain sale was going on He soon found himself being pushed and stepped on by frantic women He stood it as long as he could Then with head lowered and elbows out he plowed through the crowd You there said a woman Can t you act like a gentleman? NOT ANYMORE said Nasrudin I HAVE BEEN ACTING LIKE A GENTLEMAN FOR AN HOUR FROM NOW ON I AM ACTING LIKE A LADY

Nasruddin had a leaky ferry-boat and used it to row people across the river One day his passenger was a fussy schoolteacher and on the way across he decided to give Nasruddin a test and see how much he knew Tell me Nasruddin what are eight sixes? I ve no idea How do you spell magnificence? I don t Didn t you study anything at school? No In that case half your life is lost Just then a fierce storm blew up and the boat began to sink Tell me schoolteacher said Nasruddin Did you ever learn to swim? No In that case your whole life is lost

Mulla Nasruddin was applying for a job Does the company pay for my hospitalization? he asked No you pay for it the personnel director said We take it out of your salary each month The last place I worked they paid for it said the Mulla That s unusual the personnel man said How much vacation did you get? Six weeks replied the Mulla Did you get a bonus? the personnel man asked Yes said the Mulla Not only that they gave us an annual bonus sent us a turkey on Thanksgiving gave us the use of a company car and threw a big barbecue for us each year Why did you leave? asked the personnel director They went busted said Nasruddin

Mulla Nasruddin was walking in the bazaar with a large group of followers Whatever Nasruddin did his followers immediately copied Every few steps Nasruddin would stop and shake his hands in the air touch his feet and jump up yelling Hu Hu Hu So his followers would also stop and do exactly the same thing One of the merchants who knew Nasreddin quietly asked him: What are you doing my old friend? Why are these people imitating you? I have become a Sufi Sheikh replied Nasreddin These are my Murids (spiritual seekers) I am helping them reach enlightenment How do you know when they reach enlightenment? That s the easy part Every morning I count them The ones who have left - have reached enlightenment