Shayari Bazar

At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul The Israeli Consul began Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech I wanted to relay an old story to all of you When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts and prairies and even more deserts The people became thirsty and needed water So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean cool water And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts content Moses wished to cleanse his whole body so he went over to the other side of the pond took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes Yassir Arafat hearing this accusation jumps out of his seat and screams This is a travesty It s a lie It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time And in agreement with Chairman Arafat said the Israeli Consul let me begin my speech

President Zia-ul-Haq s trusted barber seemed to have become infected by the popular demand for the restoration of democracy One morning while clipping the President s hair he asked Gareeb Pur war When are you going to have elections in Pakistan? The President ignored the question with the contempt it deserved from a military dictator At the next hair-cutting session the barber asked Aali jah Isn t it time you redeemed your promise to hold elections? The President controlled his temper and remained silent On the third hair-clipping session the barber again blurted out Banda Nawaz the awam (commom people) are clamouring for elections when will you order them? The President could not contain himself anymore and exploded Gaddar I will have you taught a lesson you will never forget And ordered his minions to take away the barber and give him ten lashes on his buttocks The barber fell at the great man s feet and whined Zill-e-Illahi (shadow of God) I eat your salt; how can I become a gaddar (traitor)? I only mentioned elections to make my job easier Every time I utter the word election Your Excellency s hair stands on end and is much easier to clip

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert Congress said Someone may steal from it at night So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job Then Congress said How does the watchman do his job without instruction? So they created a planning department and hired two people one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies Then Congress said How will we know the night watchman is doing the work correctly? So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people One to do the studies and one to write the reports Then Congress said How are these people going to get paid? So they created the following positions: a timekeeper and a payroll officer then they hired two people Then Congress said Who will be accountable for all of these people? So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer Assistant Administrative Officer and a Legal Secretary Then Congress finally said We have had this command in operation for one year and we are 780 000 over budget our funds are low and we must cutback overall cost So they laid off the night watchman

Virtually every professional discipline within the American Medical Association s membership has decided to weigh in on the new health care plan being developed by President Obama s team with varying thoughts and recommendations The Allergists voted to scratch it but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted Pathologists yelled Over my dead body while the Pediatricians said Oh grow up The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness while the Radiologists could see right through it Surgeons decided to totally wash their hands of the whole thing The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow but the Plastic Surgeons said This puts a whole new face on the matter The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea The Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas while the Cardiologists didn t have the heart to say No In the end the Proctologists won out leaving the entire decision up to the a holes in Washington

Theek Hai - Prime Minister Manmohan Singh It is a pro North Indian Budget - Shiv Sena spokesperson I demand complete rollback of Union Budget - Mamta Banerjee I will give 4 5 stars to Union Budget - Taran Adarsh It is not good for middle class I wished P Chidambaram had seen my shopping list - A middle class wife The Union Budget is a blow to Modi - NTDV news anchor I don t care; I have a boyfriend - a girl recently proposed by a boy on Valentine s day Though the budget is not good and is anti-poor but we support it to keep communal forces away from power - Mulayam Singh Yadav It is a game changer - Rahul Gandhi I knew this type of budget will come but when it will come I did not know - Home Minister Shusil Kumar Shinde The budget is 90% idiot - Justice Katju There is nothing in Union Budget for Marathi Manoos - MNS spokesperson Beautiful Budget Kiss to Chidu - KRK It is a corrupt budget It will not help in bringing back black money - Baba Ramdev I will expose the budget - Arvind Kejriwaal Just like 2G scam it is a zero loss budget - Kapil Sibal Thanks to Shri Rajeev Gandhi for the wonderful union budget - Congress spokesperson We are planning to hold an internal debate between our PM candidates and will then react - BJP spokesperson I did not listen to P Chidambaram as I was feeling nostalgic - President Pranab Mukherjee It is an anti-dalit and a Manuwadi budget - Mayawati Fundamentals of budget are strong In long term stock market will give good returns - An Indian stock market analyst

Rahul Gandhi walks into a Bank to cash a cheque As he approaches the cashier he says Good morning Ma am would you please cash this cheque for me? Cashier: It would be my pleasure sir Could you please show me your ID? RG: Truthfully I did not bring my ID with me as I didn t think there was any need to I am Vice President of the Congress Party Future Indian PM Cashier: Yes sir I know who you are but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers and requirements etc I must insist on seeing your ID RG: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you Everybody knows who I am Cashier: I am sorry sir but these are the bank rules and I must follow them RG: I am urging you please to cash this cheque Cashier: Look Sir here is an example of what we can do One day Sachin Tendulkar came into the bank without ID To prove he was Sachin he pulled out his bat and played a beautiful shot across the bank With that shot we knew him to be Sachin and cashed his cheque Another time Mahesh Bhupati came in without ID He pulled out his tennis racquet and played a fabulous shot when the tennis ball landed in my cup With that shot we cashed his cheque So sir what can you do to prove that it is you and only you future Indian PM Rahul Gandhi? RG stands there thinking and thinking and finally says: Honestly my mind is a total blank There is nothing that comes to my mind I can t think of a single thing I have absolutely no idea what to do; I just don t have a clue Cashier: Sir 500 or 1000 rupee notes?

Here are the funniest jokes on the election results from the humorists of Twitter Alia Bhatt: Score itni jaldi-jaldi badh raha hai Maxwell BJP mein hai kya? There is a great Rahul Gandhi wave in the country Everyone is waving him good bye Rahul Gandhi to Sonia: Accha Ab main khelne jaoon? BREAKING Performance of Himesh s The Xpose better than Congress AAP Now Arvindkejriwal says that Aam Janata has also become corrupt Mr Kejriwal Ramleela maidan is waiting for you to held DHARNA against Public for the mandate You know your country is changing when the youth is more excited about 16th may rather than 14th feb Now you know what a Gujarati can do for a Visa Kapil Sharma fired Re-branded show to be launched - Comedy Nights with Rahul Tide and Rin have competition from the Congress Itni zabardast dhulai hui hain Why was Rahul Gandhi smiling even in defeat? Coz every kid is happy when exams get over and they can go on a vacation Kejriwal ka naya aarop: Desh ki janta bhi Modi se mili hui hai Australia is now at 2 in whitewashing teams 1 is BJP Now mothers will reprimand their kids in the following way Modi ban na hai na? Phir Rahul wali harkat kyu ki? Ab Manmohan ban ke kyu khada hai? Bol ya toh Kejriwal ki tarah thappad khayega ? Finally the bizarre is over and here goes the awards for different category Best Actor: Arvind Kejriwal Best Debut child actor: Rahul Gandhi Best female actor in supporting role- Mamta Banerjee Best female actor in negative role- Sonia Gandhi Best actor in Romantic role- Digvijay Singh Life time achievement award-Lal Krishna Advani Movie of the year-Abki baar Modi Sarkar Its heard that Anurag Basu has approached Manmohan Singh for Barfi 2

AMES IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU The new element tentatively named Administratium has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic weight of However it does have one neuron 125 assistant neutrons 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistants vice neutrons This gives it an atomic mass of 312 These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons Since it has no electrons Administratium is totally inert However it can be detected chemically since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with According to its discoverers a tiny amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere It tends to concentrate at certain points such as governmental agencies large corporations and universities It is always found in the newest best appointed and best maintained buildings Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage but results to date are not promising

Rahul - Arnab Interview at Times Now trending on FB and Twiiter Rahul and Arnab had well rehearsed the interview The only problem was Arnab changed the sequence of questions This is like watching 2 different shows Arnab s questions and Rahul s answers This show should be re-recorded with the Filmfare awards laughter track Rahul Gandhi has now said empowering women more number of times than total women population of the country Kapil Sharma is going to sue Rahul Gandhi for being a threat to his career as a comedian Q: Price Rise A: Empower women Q: 2G A: Empower women He needs to get married soon to understand about empowered women Update: Narendra Modi leading 1-0 after self goal by Rahul Gandhi After Rahul s Interview with Arnab Kapil Sharma loses his job from next weekend colors tv will telecast ROFL nights with Rahul If you missed Rahul Gandhi interview with Arnab will be repeated on Pogo Channel Don t worry if you had a bad day remember Rahul Gandhi had a so called interview with Arnab After RG s interview with interview Congress realised why MMS remains quiet The similarly between Rahul Gandhi and Namo is that both inspire you to vote for the opposition A special show of Comedy with Kapil telecast on Times Now with special guest being RG Moral Victory for Congress: Rahul Gandhi s interview beat the TRP of NaMo s event at Mumbai Omar Abddullah on Twitter Maybe the idea was to counter Modi Wave with Sympathy Wave for Rahul Gandhi Rahul Gandhi was behaving like Gutthi Women-Party Party-Empowerment Empowerment-Youth Youth-RTI System-Women Three little Indian boys in the election zoo; One gave an interview and then there were two We live in a country where we take our comedians seriously and our politicians as a joke

08/03/2000 Manchild - Untied States Pt 1 In a funny way the most important debut album of the year 2000 has been over ten years in the making Untied States is Manchild s opening salvo on the boundaries of genre-obsessed dance music It s an album born out of the euphoric modernism of acid house as experienced by Manchild s core duo Max Odell and Brett Parker but it draws on the culture of a over a dozen peers friends and collaborators - an aural patchwork of musical history that encompasses old-skool breaking rastafari call-and-response MCing atmospheric electronic soundscaping and the plain old thrills of dumb-ass rock n roll The title was lifted from a typo in a book that Max s brother was reading on the films of Jean-Luc Godard We thought that was a cool title explains Max because it describes Manchild s ethnic social religious background and the eclecticism of the album The seeds of Manchild were first sewn when Max met Brett at Longwick Nursery School in Buckinghamshire at the age of five By the ripe old age of thirteen the pair were listening to jazz rock indie and hip-hop - Herbie Hancock AC/DC Talk Talk and the Ultramagnetic MCs and as acid house suddenly moved overground Max and Brett bought a sampler hung up the instruments and began making electronic music in earnest inspired by nascent dance-rock hybrid acts like Bomb The Bass In 1997 Max graduated from university put together a demo tape of his and Brett s music and sent out forty demo tapes containing rough demos of some of the tracks on Untied States Over thirty A R men turned out to Manchild s debut gig in their adopted hometown of Cardiff and the duo were inundated with contracts Manchild s music caught the ear of Mike Champion who soon afterwards agreed terms with Max and Brett to manage them

In a move that clearly indicates just how frustrated George W Bush is with the fact that former President Clinton is continuing to dominate the headlines Bush issued an Executive Order that effectively forces Clinton to stop talking or doing anything that might garner media attention The Executive Order issued by Bush requires that Clinton not communicate in public in any way including talking writing use of an electronic device or pantomime This prevents Clinton from doing everything from talking to the press to ordering a Big Mac down at the local McDonald`s If Clinton should decide to flout the law he faces fines of up to 100 000 per syllable It`s kind of a reverse speaking fee said Bush If the fines do not stop Clinton from talking and hogging the nation`s attention Bush`s order calls for Clinton to be imprisoned for up to 90 days for every sentence or sentence fragment he utters I mean what is this? said a clearly exasperated Bush at yesterday`s press conference I`m the President of the United States I`m the leader of the most powerful country in the world But you sure can’t tell that from watching the news And I`m sure if I read the newspapers it would be the same story; Clinton Clinton everywhere Clinton Night after night Fox News leads off it`s newscast with some tawdry story about the most recent Clinton scandal Hell I had to launch an unprovoked attack on Iraq just to get my buddy and fellow Texan Dan Poontang Rather to mention my name on air Now my Daddy and his cronies didn`t work their tails off getting me elected just to have me ignored Clinton has got to be stopped Not surprisingly Clinton refused comment on this story since the Executive order issued by Bush has already gone into effect He was however last seen by the press wearing a t-shirt bearing the phrase Actions Speak Louder Than Words and headed into a Holiday Inn accompanied by supporter Denise Rich and a ciga

SANTA AUSTIN TX - Dec 20 - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W Bush filed suit in federal court today seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh The suit filed in the Federal District Court of Austin Texas asks a federal judge to hereby order Mr Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity and certify the original list as submitted without amendment alteration deletion or other unnecessary modification There are no standards for deciding who is naughty and who is nice It s totally arbitrary and capricious How many more times does he need to check? This checking checking and re-checking over and over again must stop now said former Secretary James Baker Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf remove all boys named Brad from the nice list filing them under naughty instead because everyone knows all boys named Brad are brats Gov Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering and blasted what he called the fuzzy math up there at the North Pole Their security is really awful really bad said Bush My mother just walked right in told em she was Mrs Claus They didn t check her ID or nothing Meanwhile Dick Cheney Gov Bush s running mate issued a direct plea to St Nick himself Mr Claus I call on you to do the honorable thing and quit checking your list The children of the world have had enough They demand closure now Cheney said adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony that she s asked for Santa Claus could not be reached for comment but a spokes-elf said he was deeply distressed by news of the pending legal action against him He s losing weight and he hasn t said Ho Ho Ho for days said the spokes-elf He s just not feeling jolly

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow the motorcycle slipped into gear The man still holding the handlebars was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house The wife hearing the crash ran into the dining room and found her husband laying on the floor cut and bleeding the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance Because they lived on a fairly large hill the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor the wife obtained some toilet paper blotted up the gasoline and threw the toilet paper in the toilet The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home After arriving home he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle He became despondent went into the bathroom sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette After finishing the cigarette he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated The wife who was in the kitchen heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering from burns on the buttocks the back of his legs and his groin The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself When she told them the paramedics started laughing so hard one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm

Francis Bacon: One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century A statesman a philosopher a writer and a scientist he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare`s plays How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken One afternoon in 1625 Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used Determined to find out he purchased a chicken from a nearby village killed it and then standing outside in the snow attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it The chicken never froze but Bacon did Jerome Irving Rodale: Founding father of the organic food movement creator of Organic Farming and Gardening magazine and founder of Rodale Press a major publishing corporation How he died: On the Dick Cavett Show while discussing the benefits of organic foods Rodale who bragged I`m going to live to be 100 unless I`m run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver was only 72 when he appeared on the Dick Cavett Show in January 1971 Part way through the interview he dropped dead in his chair Cause of death: heart attack The show was never aired Aeschylus: Greek playwright in 500 BC Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head According to legend eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks An eagle mistook Aeschylus` head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead Jim Fixx: Author of the best selling Complete Book of Running which started the 70`s jogging craze How he died: A heart attack while jogging Fixx was visiting Greensboro Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging He`d only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged another was 80% obstructed and a third was 70% Blocked and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death And finally there`s Lully the 16th-century composer who wrote music for the king of France While rehearsing the musicians he got too serious beating time with his staff and drove it right through his foot He died of infection

16/07/2000 It`s November 1997 and Scottish-born Esra Tasasiz is living in Brussels holding down a full-time job and hanging around a studio singing on house records in her spare time One day a mutual friend introduces her to Pierre Mussche Ernst Meinrath and Renaud Charlier collectively known as Musicom - three professional studio types crafting tracks of cool electronic ambience and atmospheric orchestral hip-hop as soundtracks for adverts and films Pierre Ernst and Renaud all met when they used to do the music for fashion shows for the Antwerp Three namely Dries van Noten Ann Demeulemeester and Walter van Bierendonck The four strike up a professional relationship for the purpose of recording a short commercial piece of music but the chemistry is startling and it quickly becomes obvious that the tracks laid down in the sessions work outside the confines of cinematography The four form Airlock and around the confines of day jobs and advert commisions the chill beauty of `Drystar` begins to take shape True there`s a precedent in the itchy DJ Krush-isms of `DJ Risk Vs Airlock` the edgy Underworld-on-downers atmospheric of `In The Mouth Of The Fish` or the Massive Attack-esque avant-garde torchsong `Awakening` But Airlock`s charm is the way they take their expertise of a modern studio their commercial nous - and then slowly surely twist such elegant compositions into alien shapes During the making of `Drystar` Airlock struck up a relationship with cult film director Olvier Van Hoofstadt and wrote some tracks in conjunction with the making of three of his films - Keo Snuff Movie and James-Bond-as-a-psycho-bitch-from-hell action thriller Parabellum `Face Down` the composition that appeared on Parabellum crossed over onto European radio stations and then made its way across to British record companies as part of a demo tape Innundated with contracts Airlock were spoilt for choice but eventually signed to One Little Indian We were impressed by their laid-back style their flexibility explains Esra `Drystar` was painstakingly pieced together over two-and-a-half years featuring further production from Pascal Gabriel and Pete Davis Meanwhile Airlock surfaced from their Brussels studio to hone their live set playing multi-media events in Belgian clubs Plans for a comprehensive European tour are still being thrashed out but expect Airlock to hit the road shortly after the release of the album