A lullaby for Golfers: In My Hand I Hold A Ball White And Dimpled And Rather Small Oh How Bland It Does Appear This Harmless Looking Little Sphere By Its Size I Could Not Guess The Awesome Strength It Does Possess But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell I ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game It Rules My Mind For Hours On End; A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry And Hate Myself And Want To Die It Promises Me A Thing Called Par If I Hit It Straight And Far To Master Such A Tiny Ball Should Not Be Very Hard At All But My Desires The Ball Refuses And Does Exactly As It Chooses It Hooks And Slices Dribbles And Dies And Disappears Before My Eyes Often It Will Have A Whim To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul If Only It Would Find The Hole It s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup And Swear That I Will Give It Up And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow But The Ball Knows: I ll Be Back Tomorrow

At dawn the telephone rings Hello Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house Ah yes Ernesto What can I do for you? Is there a problem? Um I am just calling to advise you Senor Rod that your parrot - he is dead My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition? Si Senor that s the one Damn That s a pity I spent a small fortune on that bird What did he die from? From eating the rotten meat Senor Rod Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat? Nobody Senor He ate the meat of the dead horse Dead horse? What dead horse? The thoroughbred Senor Rod My prize thoroughbred is dead? Yes Senor Rod he died from all that work pulling the water cart Are you insane?? What water cart? The one we used to put out the fire Senor Good Lord What fire are you talking about man??? The one that destroyed your house Senor A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? Yes Senor Rod But there s electricity at the house What was the candle for? For the funeral Senor Rod WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?? Your wife s Senor Rod She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club SILENCE LONG SILENCE Ernesto if you broke that golf club you re in deep trouble

A golfer now into his golden years had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at Sawgrass in Ponte Verde Florida exactly the way the pros do it The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success His ball had always fallen short into the water Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick as did many other average golfers when negotiating very challenging holes Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again When he came to the fateful hole he teed up an old cut ball as usual and said a silent prayer However before he could hit it a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds saying WAIT REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND NEW ONE He complied with some slight misgiving despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition As he stepped up to the tee once more the voice came down again WAIT STEP BACK TAKE A PRACTICE SWING So he stepped back and took a practice swing certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true The voice boomed out again TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING Dutifully he did He stopped expectantly and waited A long silence followed Then the voice boomed again: USE THE OLD BALL

Tiger Woods Stevie Wonder are in a bar Tiger says to Stevie How s the singing career going? Stevie replies Not too bad How s the golf? Woods replies I ve had some problems with my swing but I think I ve got that right now Stevie: I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it Then the next time I play it seems to be all right Incredulous Tiger says You play GOLF? Stevie: Yes I ve been playing for years Tiger: But you re blind How can you play golf if you can t see? Stevie: Well I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him Then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice But how do you putt asks Tiger Well says Stevie I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice Tiger: What s your handicap? Stevie: Well actually I m a scratch golfer Woods says to Stevie We ve got to play a round sometime Stevie: Well people don t take me seriously so I only play for money and never play for less than 10 000 a hole Is that a problem? Woods thinks about it and says I can afford that; OK I m game for that 10 000 a hole is fine with me When would you like to play? Stevie: Pick a night

One day a man decided to retire He booked himself on a Caribbean Cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life that is until the ship sank He soon found himself on an island with no other people no supplies nothing only bananas and coconuts After about four months he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore In disbelief he asks Where did you come from? How did you get here? She replies I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank Amazing he notes You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you Oh this thing? explains the woman I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island The oars were whittled from gum tree branches I wove the bottom from palm tree branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree But where did you get the tools? Oh that was no problem replied the woman On the south side of the island a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware The guy is stunned Let s row over to my place she says and I ll give you a tour So after a short time of rowing she soon docks the boat at a small wharf As the man looks to shore he nearly falls off the boat Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope the man can only stare ahead dumb struck As they walk into the house she says casually It s not much but I call it home Please sit down Would you like a drink? No No thank you the man blurts out still dazed I can t take another drop of coconut juice Oh it s not coconut juice winks the woman I have a still How would you like a Tropical Spritz? Trying to hide his continued amazement the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk After they exchange their individual survival stories the woman announces I m going to slip into something more comfortable Would you like to take a shower and shave? There s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs No longer questioning anything the man goes upstairs into the bathroom There in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism This woman is amazing he muses What s next? When he returns she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines each strategically positioned she smelled faintly of gardenias She then beckons for him to sit down next to her Tell me she begins suggestively slithering closer to him We ve both been out here for many months You must have been lonely When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes He can t believe what he s hearing You mean he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes You ve built a Golf Course too?