Shayari Bazar

This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B Q (Block Quayle) in Tunbridge Wells NAME Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard) SEX Not lately but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company s Chief Executive or Managing Director But seriously whatever s available If I was in a position to be picky I wouldn t be applying in the first place - would I? DESIRED SALARY Pound 150 000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package If that s not possible make an offer and we can haggle EDUCATION Yes LAST POSITION HELD Target for middle management hostility PREVIOUS SALARY A lot less than I m worth MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes REASON FOR LEAVING It was a crap job HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK Any PREFERRED HOURS 1:30-3:30 p m Monday Tuesday and Thursday DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes but they re better suited to a more intimate environment MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs? Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs? HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Reader s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer so they tell me DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - NO On my breaks - YES WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I m the greatest thing since sliced bread Actually I d like to be doing that now NEAREST RELATIVE 7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes absolutely They hired him because he was so funny