Three old men are talking about their aches pains and bodily functions The 70 year old man says I have this problem I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee The 80 year old man says My case is worse I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement The 90 year old man says At seven I pee like a horse and at eight I crap like a cow So what`s your problem? ask the others I don t wake up until nine

When Tim answered his phone he heard a woman on the other end say Hi Tim This is Lucy speaking Remember we met about four months ago? Lucy? Tim replied About four months ago? Yes that s right Lucy said It was at John s apartment After the party you drove me home On the way we parked and got in the back seat You told me I was a good sport Oh I remember Tim exclaimed Lucy How are you? I m pregnant and I m going to kill myself Lucy screeched Hey you really ARE a good sport Tim retorted

Otto von Bismark the first Chancellor of the German Empire from 1871-90 had been conversing for a rather long time with the British Ambassador to Germany when the latter posed the question How do you handle insistent visitors who take up so much of your valuable time? Bismark answered Oh I have an infallible method My servant appears and informs me that my wife has something urgent to tell me At that moment there was a knock at the door and a servant entered with a message from his wife

A group of Canadians were travelling by tour bus through Holland As they stopped at a cheese farm a young guide led them through a process of cheese making explaining that goat s milk was used She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing These she explained were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced She then asked What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren t producing? A spry old gentleman answered They send us on bus tours

पत्नी: आप बहुत भोले हैं आपको कोई भी बेवकूफ बना देता है
पति: शुरुआत तो तेरे बाप ने की थी

A man was pulled over for driving too fast even though he thought he was driving just fine Officer: You were speeding Man: No I wasn t Officer: Yes you were I m giving you a ticket Man: But I wasn t speeding Officer: Tell that to the judge (The officer gives man the ticket ) Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you an idiot? Officer: Yes you would Man: What if I just thought that you were? Officer: I can t give you a ticket for what you think Man: Fine I think you re an idiot

Once there was a competition conducted with Scientists from America France and China The Americans reported: We crossed chickens with cows And now the new breed simultaneously produces milk meat and eggs On this Scientists from France came with the report: We crossed flies and bees Now the hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey Chinese gave others run for their money They said: We crossed a melon with cockroaches And now when you cut this melon seeds run away by themselves

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet When he dusted it off a genie appeared and granted him three wishes I d love an ice-cold beer right now he told the genie Poof A beer appeared Next the man said I wish to be on an island surrounded by beautiful and willing women Poof He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him Oh man this is the life the guy thought I wish I never had to work again And poof He was back at his desk in the government office

Banta had always ordered a beverage by simply saying A Coke please However recently waitresses had been responding I m sorry we don t have Coke We have Pepsi Diet Pepsi Thums Up Dew Sprite Fanta Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks Banta decided to make life easier So one day he simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a Dark Carbonated beverage The young man behind the counter looked up and said Sir would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when she found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in her hand Listen said the CEO this is a very sensitive and important document here and my secretary has gone for the night Can you make this thing work? Certainly said the young executive She turned the machine on inserted the paper and pressed the start button Excellent excellent said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine I just need one copy

Old Woman Who Has A Baby With the help of a fertility specialist a 65 year old woman has a baby All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family When they ask to see the baby the 65 year old mother says Not yet A little later they ask to see the baby again Again the mother says Not yet Finally they say When can we see the baby? And the mother says When the baby cries So they ask Why do we have to wait until the baby cries? The new mother says I forgot where I put it

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he s going to take up farming He heads to the local livestock supplier and tells the man Give me 100 baby chickens The supplier complies A week later the man returns and says Give me 200 baby chickens The man at the supplier complies Again a week later the man returns This time he says Give me 500 baby chickens Wow the supplier replies You must really be doing well Naw said the man with a sigh I m either planting them too deep or too far apart

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly To show just how the marketing department earns their keep they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2000 Softball Season we came in 2nd place having lost but one game all year The Support Department however had a rather dismal season as they won only one game

A Greek moved to New Zealand and wants to buy a farm The New Zealander says he will show the Greek around While walking around the New Zealander sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence he goes oh goodie He pulls his pants down and starts giving it to the sheep When he was finished he pulls his pants up looks at the Greek and says Your turn The Greek says Oh goodie The Greek pulls the sheep out of the fence and pulls his pants down and puts his head in the fence with his bum up in the ai

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why? Well Sir when we got you undressed we found that he’d also shit in your pants