There were these 4 guys a Russian a German an American and a Frenchman who found this small genie bottle When they rubbed the bottle a genie appears Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle he said Next to you all are 4 swimming pools I will give each of you a wish When you run towards the pool and jump you must shout what you want the pool of water to become and then your wish will come true The French wanted to start He ran towards the pool jumped and shouted Wine The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool Next is the Russian s turn he did the same and shouted Vodka and immersed himself into a pool of vodka The German was next and he jumped and shouted Beer He was so contented with his beer pool The last is the American He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel He slipped towards the pool and shouted Shit

In an middle school a number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom That was fine but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back Finally the Head Teacher decided that something had to be done She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required He took out a long-handled squeegee dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror There are teachers and then there are educators

In the day when an ice cream sundae cost much less a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table A waitress put a glass of water in front of him How much is an ice cream sundae? he asked Fifty cents replied the waitress The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it Well how much is a plain dish of ice ream? he inquired By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient Thirty-five cents she brusquely replied The little boy again counted his coins I will have the plain ice cream he said Waitress brought the ice cream put the bill on the table and walked away The boy finished the ice cream paid the cashier and left When the waitress came back she began to cry as she wiped down the table There placed neatly beside the empty dish were two nickels and five pennies - you see he couldn t have the sundae because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip

A fellow bought a new Mercedes on the Christmas eve and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive The top was down the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him There s no way they can catch a Mercedes he thought to himself and opened her up further The needle hit 90 100 Then the reality of the situation hit him What in the heck am I doing? he thought and pulled over The cop came up to him took his license without a word and examined it and the car It s been a long day this is the end of my shift and it s Christmas eve I don t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven t heard before you can go The guy thinks for a second and says Last week my wife ran off with a cop I was afraid you were trying to give her back Have a nice Christmas said the office

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 5-6 miles from his farm To get there he must drive his tractor and his dog old Joe trots along beside him Halfway through the plowing the tractor runs out of fuel He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride which just happens to be a Ferrari The driver says You can have a ride but that dog can t get in my car The farmer says Don t worry Old Joe will keep up The driver figures he ll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip Just as he is going into 5th gear he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him He can t wait to have a look at the amazing dog so he slams on the brakes and the car stops rather abruptly The driver jumps out exclaiming He s the most incredible dog I ve ever seen But what kind of collar is that he s wearing? The farmer shook his head and said That s not a collar That s his asshole He s not used to stopping that fast

A US Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep He posed the question of just how much of sex was work and how much of it was pleasure? A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work A Captain said it was 50-50% A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure depending upon his state of inebriation at the time There being no consensus the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation the young PFC responded Sir it has to be 100% pleasure The colonel was surprised and as you might guess asked why? Well sir if there was any work involved the officers would have me doing it for them The room fell silent

A Chinese Call center: Caller: Hello can I speak to Annie Wan? Operator: Yes you can speak to me Caller: No I want to speak to Annie Wan Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone You can speak to me Who is this? Caller: I am Sam Wan and I need to talk to Annie Wan It s urgent Operator: I know you are someone and you want to speak to anyone But what s the urgent matter about? Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to hospital Right now Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital then the accident isn t an urgent matter You may find this hilarious but I don t have time for this Caller: You are so rude Who are you? Operator: I m Saw Ree Caller: Yes You should be sorry Now give me your name Operator: That s what I said I am Saw Ree Caller: Oh God

Preeto was giving an upper-crust party and had hired Rupa a girl recently come to Chandigarh from a remote village as a maid As Rupa was setting up the tea service Preeto told her to be certain that there were sugar tongs available Rupa had never heard of sugar tongs and asked her what they were and why they were used Preeto always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened told Rupa that the problem lay with the gentlemen who would go to the loo and to do what they needed to do had to touch things which were less than acceptably sanitary Sure Ma am Rupa said impressed After the guests had begun arriving that evening Preeto was dismayed and infuriated not to see any sugar tongs on the tea service Rupa trembling came quickly in answer to Preeto s angry shout But but ma am I put the tongs out just as you told me to Furious Preeto pointed to the tea table devoid of tongs Then where are they young woman? Why they re in the loo of course

A very large old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor While working on the 49th floor two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft They decided that they should call the police When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright They said This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important Two days went by and the construction workers couldn`t stand it any more they had to know who they had found They called the police station and said We`re the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa The cop said Well it wasn`t Jimmy Hoffa but it was somebody kind of important Well who was it? The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion

A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow 5 000 The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan so the man hands over the keys to new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank Everything was checked and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan An employee drives the Rolls into the bank`s underground garage and parks it there Two weeks later the man returns repays the 5 000 and the interest which comes to 15 41 The loan officer says We are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely but we are a little puzzled While you were away we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow 5 000? The man replied Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos and he won 100 000 He didn t want anyone to know about it so when he came back home he immediately went out to the backyard of his house dug a hole and planted the money in it The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door which was owned by a deaf-mute On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man Grabbing his pistol the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man s house He screamed at the professor You tell this guy that if he doesn t give me back my money I ll kill him The professor conveyed the message to his friend and his friend replied in sign language I hid it in my backyard underneath the cherry tree The professor turned to the man with the gun and said He s not going to tell you He said he d rather die first

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion The problem was he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available The colonel called the first candidate his office and said This is a promotion test If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1500 what would you do? The Lt thought about it for a second and said Sir I would get a shovel head for HQ and start digging You re not ready to be promoted the Colonel interrupted The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate Sir said the next Lt I would fill out a CE work order making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and You are definitely not ready to be promoted the Colonel said The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate Without hesitation the Lieutenant said Sir I would call the First Sergeant and say Top I want a flag pole in front of HQ by 1500 You re ready to be promoted the Colonel said

When you have an I Hate My Job day try this: On your way home from work stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer When you get home lock your doors draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair Open the package and remove the thermometer Now carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken Now the fun part begins Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully You will notice that in small print there is a statement: Every Rectal Thermometer made by this company is personally tested and then sanitized Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at this company HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A THAN YOURS

I mowed the lawn today and after I d finished I sat down with a cold beer It was a beautiful day and the drink facilitated some deep thinking The wife walked by and asked me what I was doing? and I said Nothing The reason I said that instead of saying just thinking darling was because then she would have asked About what? At that point I would have had to explain to her that men are deep thinkers which would have led to more questions Then I thought about the age-old question of whether giving birth is more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Well after another beer and some more thinking I think I may have come up with the answer Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby; and my reasoning is: A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say It might be nice to have another child but you will never hear a guy say You know I think I would like another kick in the nuts I rest my case Time for another bee

Number 9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world Number 8 Life is sexually transmitted Number 7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die Number 6 Men have two emotions: hungry and horny and they can t tell them apart If you see a gleam in his eyes make him a sandwich Number 5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day Teach a person to use the internet and they won t bother you for weeks months maybe years Number 4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday lying in the hospital dying of nothing Number 3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather It pays no attention to criticism Number 2 In the 60 s people took drugs to make the world weird Now the world is weird and people take antidepressants to make it normal Number 1 Life is like a jar of mirchi chutney What you enjoy today might burn your ass tomorrow and as someone recently said to me: Don t worry about old age; it doesn t last that long