Attention: Human Resources Joe Smith my assistant programmer can always be found hard at work in his cubicle Joe works independently without wasting company time talking to colleagues Joe never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees and he always finishes given assignments on time Often Joe takes extended measures to complete his work sometimes skipping coffee breaks Joe is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field I firmly believe that Joe can be classed as a high-calibre employee the type which cannot be dispensed with Consequently I duly recommend that Joe be promoted to executive management and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible Regards Project Leader e-mail two Attention: Human Resources Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1 3 5 etc ] for my true assessment of his ability Regards Project Leade

Jennifer s wedding day was fast approaching Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent s nasty divorce Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever A week later Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father s new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother Jennifer asked her father s new young wife to exchange it but she refused Absolutely not I look like a million bucks in this dress and I m wearing it she replied Jennifer told her mother who graciously said Never mind sweetheart I ll get another dress After all it s your special day A few days later they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother When they stopped for lunch Jennifer asked her mother Aren t you going to return the other dress? You really don t have another occasion where you could wear it Her mother just smiled and replied Of course I do dear I m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding

Sarthak Agarwal topped HSC by scoring 99 6% These are the comments he got for the page that published it on facebook Don t blame me if you die laughing 1 Don t publish this fact in newspaper We have parents to answer 2 Itna toh mere phone ka battery bhi charge nahi hota 3 Ye ladka kalpanic hai iska vastavikta se koi sambandh nahi hai 4 Badhai ho par aaj 8 saal ho gaye mere XII ke results ko aaj fir daant padi 5 Apsara pencil se likha hota to 4% bhi mil jate extra marks for good hand writing 6 Tu roadie nahi banega You dont give ur 100% - Raghu 6 Mere pure graduation ke 3 saal ka total bhi itna nai jitna tu ek exam mein laya hai 7 Not a big deal His tutor is Rajnikant 8 Congrats dude you are the reason my parents have so many expectations 9 Itna toh dettol bhi kitanu nahin maarta 10 See Sarthak I don t know what tough times you would hav gone through lekin beta is tarah se padhaai pe gussa nahi nikalte 11 Main toh agar apna paper khud check karta toh bhi itna marks nahi la paata

Allan retired in his early 50 s and started a second career However even though he loved his new job he just couldn t seem to get to work on time Every day he was 5 10 15 minutes late But he was a good worker and really sharp so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it Finally one day his boss called him into the office for a talk Allan I must tell you I truly like your work ethic you do a bang-up job but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers Allan replied Yes sir I know I m sorry but I am working on it That s what I like to hear his boss said However the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me because I understand that you retired from the United States Air Force and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness Isn t that correct? Yes I did retire from the Air Force and I m mighty proud of it said Allan Well what did they say when you came in late? asked his boss They said Good morning General

These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day s mistake MONDAY: For sale - Vishant has a sewing machine for sale Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishant s ad yesterday It should have read: One sewing machine for sale cheap Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him after 7PM WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishant has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday The ad stands correct as follows: For sale - Vishant has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who loves with him THURSDAY: Notice: I Vishant have no sewing machine for sale I smashed it Don t call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected I have not been carrying on with Mrs Mani Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit

Making New Year s Resolutions Work 1 Why are New Year s resolutions such notorious failures and more troublesome than they re worth? 2 Why do people make New Year s Resolutions in the first place? 3 Do you find that people usually make too many New Year s Resolutions? 4 Don t you think trying too hard to accomplish something often results in failure? 5 Is it possible to become addicted to unhappiness failure and negative habits? 6 You say phrases like I m not going to overeat I won t procrastinate anymore I will stop eating Snickers bars don t work Why? 7 What s the best way to formulate New Year s Resolutions to increase the chances for their success? 8 Doesn t your well known Keying Process help people change habits a lot easier? 9 Keying could also be used to better a person s health couldn t it? 10 What is De-briefing and why is it so important? 11 What specific Refocusing Techniques can a person use? 12 So your motto You can always have a good day is really a true possibility isn t it?

An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together As the farmer grew older his Oasis was used less and less It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond he rarely made an appearence One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond He hadn t been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things As he neared the pond he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond One of the women shouted to him We re not coming out until you leave The old man replied I didn t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked I m here to feed the alligato

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a Rs 10 000 bet The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money Many people like weightlifters wrestlers body builders etc had tried over time but nobody could do it One day this scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a safari suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice I d like to try the bet After the laughter had died down the bartender said OK grabbed a lemon and squeezed away Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man But the crowd s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and 5-6 drops fell into the glass As the crowd cheered the bartender paid the Rs 10 000 and asked the little man What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack a weightlifter or what? No replied the man I work for the IT Deptt

भिखारी- कुछ खाने को दे दो
लड़की - टमाटर खाओ
भिखारी - रोटी दे दो
लड़की - टमाटर खाओ
भिखारी - अच्छा लाओ टमाटर ही दे दो
लड़की की मा- अरे तुम जाओ बाबा ये तोतली है कह रही है कमाकर खाओ

A couple of F-15 s are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed manuverability weaponry and so forth while the putting down the Hercules deficiencies in these areas After taking this for a while the C-130 pilot says Oh yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you d only dream about Naturally the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate Just watch comes the quick retort And so they watch But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level After several minutes the pilot comes back on the air saying There How was that? Not having seen anything the fighter pilots reply What are you talking about? What did you do? And the Herc pilot replies Well I got up stretched my legs got a cup of coffee then went into the back and took a leak

When you take a long time you`re slow When your boss takes a long time he`s thorough When you don t do it you re lazy When your boss doesn t do it he s too busy When you make a mistake you re an idiot When your boss makes a mistake he s only human When doing something without being told you re overstepping your authority When your boss does the same thing that s initiative When you take a stand you re being bull-headed When your boss does it he s being firm When you overlooked a rule of etiquette you re being rude When your boss skips a few rules he s being original When you please your boss you re ass creeping When your boss pleases his boss he s being co-operative When you re out of the office you re wandering around When your boss is out of the office he s on business When you re on a day off sick you re always sick When your boss is a day off sick he must be very ill When you apply for leave you must be going for an interview When your boss applies for leave it s because he s overworked

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners military jets and the space shuttle all traveling at maximum velocity The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the British engineers When the gun was fired the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel crashed into the shatterproof shield smashed it to smithereens blasted through the control console snapped the engineer s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions NASA responded with a one-line memo: Defrost the chicken

These four classified ads appeared in a Gujarati newspaper on four Consecutive days The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day s mistake MONDAY: For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in SK Shah s ad yesterday It should have read - One sewing machine for sale cheap Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him after 7PM WEDNESDAY: Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the Classified ad yesterday The ad stands correct as follows: For sale - SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale Cheap Phone 92555-00707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who loves with him THURSDAY: Notice: I SK Shah have no sewing machine for sale I smashed it Don t call 92555-00707 as I have had the phone disconnected I have not been carrying on with Mrs Mani Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally by hand and even electronically This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK) If you receive WORK from your boss any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT This virus will wipe out your private life entirely If you come in contact with this WORK you should immediately take at least two of your friends to the nearest Biological Anxiety Relief (BAR) centre to take at least one of the following antidotes: Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) Radioactive UnWORK Medicine (RUM) Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER) Vaccino Offico Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA) and continue its dosage till WORK is eliminated from your system completely Please forward this message to all your friends and save their lives Issued in Public Interest by Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association (BEWDAs)

In a city park stood two statues one female and the other male These two statues faced each other for many years Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people I am giving you your greatest wish I hereby give you the gift of life You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire And with that command the statues came to life The two statues smiled at each other ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the giggling of statues rustling of bushes and snapping of twigs After 15 minutes the two statues emerged from the bushes satisfied and smiling Puzzled the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues You still have 15 minutes Would you like to continue? The male statue looked at the female and asked Do you want to do it again? Smiling the female statue said Sure But this time you hold the pigeon down and I LL poop on its head