Shayari Bazar

1 I will try to figure out why I really need 12 e-mail addresses 2 I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband) A phone call every now and then would be appreciated 3 I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own 4 I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail 5 I will stop sending e-mail ICQ Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person 6 I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily well once a week okay monthly then or maybe at least once a year 7 I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet This of course will be hard to estimate since I m not a clock watcher I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning 4:30 is much more practical sicne my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then 8 When I hear a funny joke I will not reply LOL LOL 9 I will read the manual just as soon as I can find it 10 I will think of a password other than password 11 I resolve I resolve to I resolve to uh I resolve to uh get my er I resolve to uh get my er off-line work done too

After Alok Nath Alia Bhatt it s Arnab Goswami series After creating this complex world GOD was worried who will decide what is RIGHT and what is WRONG ? So he created ARNAB GOSWAMI Arnab Goswami might probably be the only guy in this world to fight with his wife win If we could place a mini turbine inside Arnab Goswami s throat the resultant electricity can power all the Times group building Arnab Goswami is inversly proportional to Manmohan Singh If you find Arnab Goswami s pic with his mouth closed then that camera has a very good shutter speed Arnab Goswami is fluent in English weak in grammer becoz he does not use full stop or comma From the moon you can see the great wall of china and hear Arnab Goswami shouting The nation wants to know Proposed airport near Times Now studio cancelled as noise from newshour could weaken the structure and intercept signals When Arnab Goswami says I will speak now everyone looks puzzled wondering who was speaking till now? Whats the similarity between Arnab Goswami Google? Both interrupt you before you complete the sentence

With the rising prices tomatoes are the latest to become the butt of jokes online With the vegetable costing as much as Rs 70-100 per kg no wonder people are venting their frustration on social media Tomato hits the 100 rupee mark in a week declared Blockbuster There are only two kinds of people in India: One who can afford tomatoes and the others who can t Heard a noted politician has deposited 100 kg tomatoes in his Swiss bank account Acche din have finally arrived: Petrol gets cheaper than tomatoes Sign board at a tomato vendor: We accept all kinds of credit cards Hamein dahej mein kuch nahi chahiye hum toh bas itna chahte hain ki aap baraatiyon ka swaagat tomato soup se karein Instruction from Central Government to all restaurants: People ordering for tomato soup need to produce their PAN card Husband tells wife: I ve been recently upgraded from a Platinum card to Tangy card that gives a 10% cash back on tomato purchases Government has extended the deadline for filling tax returns to 31st August tomato purchases can now be claimed Issued in public interest

A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about confession I have an idea said the priest Why don t you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know A woman came into the booth and said Bless me Father for I have sinned The priest asked What did you do? I cheated on my husband How many times? Three times Well said the priest Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box Another woman came and said Bless me Father for I have sinned The priest asked What did you do? I cheated on my husband How many times? Three times Again the priest said Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box Then the priest said to the rabbi Would you like to do the next confession? The rabbi started to object but the priest said Go ahead It s easy So another woman came in and said Bless me Father for I have sinned This time the rabbi asked What did you do? I cheated on my husband How many times? The woman said Twice Then the rabbi said Well go do it again They re 3 for 5 dollars today

मीडिया भूकम्प के समय आपको कैसा लग रहा था
पीड़ित - मानो कोई थप्पड़ मार रहा हो
मीडिया - ज़रा खुल के समझाइये
पीड़ित ने दिया उलटे हाथ का
सन्नाटा
कैमरामैन राजीव के साथ दीपक चौरसिया आजतक

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night but his seat is way back in the theater far from the stage The man calls an usher over and whispers I just love a good mystery and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play However in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play I have to watch a mystery close up Look how far away I am If you can get me a better seat I ll give you a handsome tip The usher nods and says he will be back shortly Looking forward to a large tip the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office hoping to find some closer tickets With just three minutes left until curtain he finds an unused ticket of the second row Returning to the man in the back of the theater he whispers Follow me The usher leads the man down to the second row and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle Thanks so much says the theatergoer This seat is perfect He then hands the usher a quarter The usher looks down at the quarter leans over and whispers The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick

The General went out to find that none of his G I s were there One finally ran up panting heavily Sorry sir I can explain you see I had a date and it ran a little late I ran to the bus but missed it I hailed a cab but it broke down found a farm bought a horse but it dropped dead ran 10 miles and now I m here The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G I go Moments later eight more G I s came up to the general panting he asked them why they were late Sorry sir I had a date and it ran a little late I ran to the bus but missed it I hailed a cab but it broke down found a farm bought a horse but it dropped dead ran 10 miles and now I m here The General eyed them feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go he let them go too A ninth G I jogged up to the General panting heavily Sorry sir I had a date and it ran a little late I ran to the bus but missed it I hailed a cab but Let me guess the General interrupted it broke down No said the G I there were so many dead horses in the road it took forever to get around them

The effect of Americanisation on our rituals at temple Before Pooja the priest will not ask for your name anymore Your social security number will do Two types of prasad will be available - Normal Prasad Diet Prasad Also panchamrut will be of 4 types : Normal milk 2% milk Skimmed milk and fat-free milk (The same for yogurt) You don`t tip the priest on the plate when he gives the prasad You should swipe your visa card on his scanner You no more go around the temple from left to right This is America and everything here is from right to left Due to fire hazard no more aarati only flashlights will be used To prevent noise pollution all bhaktas need to use headphones to listen the GONG of the bell during flashlight-tee (aar-tee) Softcopies of lord are on sale at 1 per image The priest will no longer read the mantra from books he will use his laptop instead The temple would re-cycle the flowers used everyday - to protect the environment Sponsors of all poojas will be allowed to display a 1 5 x5 banner on the website The temple will sponsor this year`s NBA matches to gain publicity

A man is the most beautiful part of God s creation who starts compromising at a very tender age He sacrifices his chocolates for his sister He sacrifices his dreams for just a smile on his parents face He spends his entire pocket money on buyng gifts for the lady he loves just to see her smiling He sacrifices his full youth for his wife children by working late at night without any complain He builds their future by taking loans from banks repaying them for lifetime He struggles a lot still has to bear scolding from his mother wife boss His life finally ends up only by compromising for others happiness If he goes out then he s careless; If he stays at home then he s a lazy If he scolds children then he s a monster; If he doesn t scold then he s a irresponsible guy If he stops wife from working then he s an insecure guy; If he doesn t stops wife from workin then he s somebody who lives on wife s earnings If he listens to mom then he s mama s boy; If he listens to wife he s wife s slave Respect every male in your life You will never know what he has sacrificed for you

Three men were at the FBI Building for a job interview The first man walked into the office The interviewing FBI agent said To be in the FBI you must be loyal dedicated and give us your all Your wife is in the next room I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun The man took the gun hesitated and said Sorry I can t do it The next interviewee came into the office The agent said To be in the FBI you must be loyal dedicated and give us your all Your wife is in the next room I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun The man took the gun walked into the room then walked back out Sorry he said The last man came into the office This guy really wanted the job The interviewer said To be in the FBI you must be loyal dedicated and give us your all Your wife is in the next room I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun The man took the gun and went into the room The agent heard 6 shots silence and then a lot of screaming Shortly the man came out of the room and said Someone loaded the gun with blanks so I beat her to death with the curtain railing

The Major went out to find that none of his soldiers were there One finally ran up sweating heavily Sorry sir I can explain you see I had a date and it ran a little late I ran to the bus but missed it I hailed a cab but it broke down found a farm bought a horse but it dropped dead ran five miles and now I m here The Major was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go Moments later more soldiers came up to the Major panting he asked them why they were late Sorry sir I had a date and it ran a little late I ran to the bus but missed it I hailed a cab but it broke down found a farm bought a horse but it dropped dead ran 10 miles and now I m here The Major eyed them feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go he let them go too Another soldier jogged up to the Major panting heavily Sorry sir I had a date and it ran a little late I ran to the bus but missed it I hailed a cab but Let me guess the Major interrupted it broke down No said the soldier there were so many dead horses in the road it took forever to get around them

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews However she had relatives all over the country The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them she hated flying No matter how safe people told her it was she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up Finally the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she d be convinced So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary Tell me she said suspiciously what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane? The actuary looked through his tables and said A very small chance Maybe one in five hundred thousand She nodded then thought for a moment So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane? Again he went through his tables Extremely remote he said About one in a billion Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office And from that day on every time she flew she took a bomb with he

Men: 1 All men are extremely busy 2 Although they are so busy they still have time for women 3 Although they have time for women they don t really care for them 4 Although they don t really care for them they always have one around 5 Although they always have one around them they always try their luck with others 6 Although they try their luck with others they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them 7 Although the woman leaves them they still don t learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others Women: 1 The most important thing for a woman is financial security 2 Although this is so important they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff 3 Although they always buy expensive clothes they never have something to wear 4 Although they never have something to wear they always dress beautifully 5 Although they always dress beautifully their clothes are always just an old rag 6 Although their clothes are always just an old rag they still expect you to compliment them 7 Although they expect you to compliment them when you do they don t believe you

An Irishman named Adrian went to his doctor The doctor after an examination sighed and said I ve some bad news You have cancer and you d best put your affairs in order Adrian was shocked but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room where his son had been waiting Well son we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate When things don t go well In this case things aren t well I have cancer Let s head to the pub and have a few pints After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber There were some laughs and more beers They were eventually approached by some of Adrian s old friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating Adrian told his friends they were drinking to his impending end I Have been diagnosed with AIDS The friends gave Adrian their condolences and they had a couple of more beers After the friends left Adrian s son leaned over and whispered Dad I thought you said you were dying of cancer and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS Adrian said I don t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I m gone

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other When they had a confrontation screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket After the burial the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?The wife put down her drink and said let the old bastard dig I had him buried upside down