Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle dressed in pilots uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses one is using a seeing-eye dog and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit the door closes and the engines start up The passengers begin glancing nervously around searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke None is forthcoming The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off that it will plow into the water panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment the plane lifts smoothly into the air The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon they have all retreated into their magazines secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands Up in the cockpit the copilot turns to the pilot and says You know Bob one of these days they re going to scream too late and we re all gonna die

The Vain Person: One who loves the smell of his own farts The Amiable Person: One who loves the smell of other people s farts The Proud Person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine The Shy Person: One who releases silent farts then blushes The Imprudent Person: One who boldly farts out loud and then laughs The Unfortunate Person: One who tries hard to fart but shits instead The Scientific Person: One who farts frequently but is truly concerned for the environment The Nervous Person: One who stops in the middle of a fart The Honest Person: One who admitted he farted but offers a good medical reason The Dishonest Person: One who farts but blames the dog The Foolish Person: One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours The Thrifty Person: One who always has several farts in reserve The Anti-Social Person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy The Strategic Person: One who conceals his farts with loud coughing The Sadistic Person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate The Intelligent Person: One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor s fart precisely the latest food items consumed

I m going to become a lion tamer That s crazy you don t know nothing about lion taming Yes I do Well OK answer me this When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting what you gonna do? Well then I ll take that big chair they all carry and stick it in his face until he backs down Well what if the lion takes that big paw and hooks the chair with them big claws and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then? Well then I ll takes that whip they all carry and whip him until he backs down Well what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth and breaks it in two? What are you going to do then? Well then I ll take that gun they all carry and shoot him Well what if that gun doesn t work? What will you do then? Well then I ll pick up some of the shit that s on the bottom of the cage throw it in his eyes and run out of the cage Well what if there ain t no shit in the bottom of the cage? What are you going to do then? Well that s dumb Because if that lion comes at me and he throws the chair out of the cage bites the whip in two and my gun don t work there s going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage you can bet on that

What Causes Depression? Men vs Women Reasons for Depression in Men Business Slow Chal raha hai Payment Time pe nahin aa rahi hai Telephone/Light ka bill bharna hai Gharwali ko Anniversary pe Gold leke dena hai Family ki baaki demands bhi poori karni hai Reasons for Depression in Women Tailor se dress mangwana hai TV pe jo Loreal ki nayi Lipstick dikhayi hai Aaj sham Market mein Uski enquiry karni hai Kitty friends ko apni nayi Fossil watch dikhani hai Mall mein 50% Off Sale lagi hui hai shopping ko jana hai Bachcho ka Open Day hai Uffff koi dress he nahin samajh mein aa rahi hai Nanad se phone pe baat karni hai Tupperware wali ko aaj ghar pe bulana hai Bete ki result aaya hai(46%) kaamwali bai ke liye ek kilo mix mithai mangani hai Aaj na jaane Pankhudi ka kya hoga Raat ko baahar se kya mangaoon khane ke liye Ye mobile ki battery bhi jaldi jaldi down ho jaati hai main kisi se zyada baat bhi nahin karti Yeh Landline ka bill 2560/kyun aaya hoga? Ye Deepika/Alia/Kareena/Katrina itni over acting kyun karti hain? Kal mandir kya pehen ke jaoongi? Profile Pic change kiye 15 minute ho gaye hain abhi tak ek bhi like ya comment kyun nahi aaya hai

Favorite drink: Age 17: Wine Coolers Age 25: White wine Age 35: Red wine Age 48: Dom Perignon Age 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser Excuses for refusing dates: 17: Need to wash my hair 25: Need to wash and condition my hair 35: Need to colour my hair 48: Need to have Francois color my hair 66: Need to have Francois color my wig Favorite sport: 17: Shopping 25: Shopping 35: Shopping 48: Shopping 66: Shopping Definition of successful date: 17: Burger King 25: Free meal 35: A diamond 48: A bigger diamond 66: Home Alone Favorite fantasy: 17: Tall dark and handsome 25: Tall dark and handsome with money 35: Tall dark and handsome with money and a brain 48: A man with hair (preferably not on back) 66: A man Pet: 17: Muffy the Cat 25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat 48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 66: Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy stuffs Muffy the Cat Ideal age for marriage: 17: 17 25: 25 35: 35 48: 48 66: 66 Ideal date: 17: He offers to pay 25: He pays 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66: He can chew breakfast

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day As he entered the classroom he saw ten stands with ten birds over each bird and only the legs showing He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name habitat genus species and identifying characteristic The student looked at each set of bird legs They all looked the same to him He began to get upset He had stayed up all night studying and now he had to identify birds by their legs The more he thought about it the madder he got Finally he couldn`t stand it anymore He went to the professor`s desk and said What a stupid test How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs? With that the student threw his test on the professor s desk and walked out the door The professor was surprised The class was so big that he didn t know every student`s name so as the student reached the door the professor called out: One moment son what`s your name? The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said You guess buddy You guess

A for arthritis B for bad back C is for chest pains Perhaps cardiac D is for dental decay and decline E is for eyesight - can t read that top line F is for fissures and fluid retention G is for gas (which I d rather not mention ) H high blood pressure (I d rather have low ) I for incisions with scars you can show J is for joints that now fail to flex L for libido - what happened to sex? Wait I forgot about K K is for my knees that crack when they re bent (Please forgive me my Memory ain t worth a cent ) N for neurosis pinched nerves and stiff neck O is for osteo and all bones that crack P for prescriptions I have quite a few Give me another pill; I ll be good as new Q is for queasiness Fatal or flu? R is for reflux - one meal turns into two S is for sleepless nights counting my fears T for tinnitus-- hear bells in my ears U is for urinary: difficulties with flow V is for vertigo that s dizzy you know W is worry now what s going round? X is for X ray and what might be found Y for another year I ve left behind Z is for zest that I still have my mind Have survived all the symptoms my body s deployed And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed

Einstein dies and goes to heaven At the Pearly Gates Saint Peter tells him You look like Einstein but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven Can you prove who you really are? Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks Could I have a blackboard and some chalk? Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity Saint Peter is suitably impressed You really ARE Einstein he says Welcome to heaven The next to arrive is Picasso Once again Saint Peter asks for credentials Picasso asks Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk? Saint Peter says Go ahead Picasso erases Einstein`s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk Saint Peter claps Surely you are the great artist you claim to be he says Come on in Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W Bush Saint Peter scratches his head and says Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity How can you prove yours? George W looks bewildered and says Who are Einstein and Picasso? Saint Peter sighs and says Come on in George

एक लड़का अपनी गर्लफ्रेंड से बहुत प्यार करता था। एक दिन वह मर गई तो उस लड़की की एक दोस्त उस लड़के के पास गई और बोली क्या मैं उसकी जगह ले सकती हूं? लड़का: मुझे कोई ऐतराज नहीं मगर कब्रिस्तान वालों से जाकर पूछ लो।

Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other One day as he drinks his morning coffee Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column He realises that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier was in preparation for this event He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database It still excites and rankles him so he calls Brad up Brad are you up yet? asks Mike Brad sleepily answers Yeah but I m only now starting my coffee Brad open the newspaper to page 5 Why what s in the paper? Brad get the paper and open it to page 5 now Ok ok I ve got the paper here so what s in page 5? Brad look at the bottom of column 4 Why? What s that story on? Brad read the story on the bottom of the column already Ok ok I ll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear The paper rustles for a few seconds then a long silent pause ensues Finally Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks in a trembling voice So Mike where are you calling me from right now?

Rajeev and Mona are flying to Australia on a two-week vacation to celebrate their 20th anniversary Suddenly over the public address system the Captain announces Ladies and Gentlemen I am afraid I have some very bad news Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing Luckily I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach However the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives Thanks to the skill of the flight crew the plane lands safely on the island An hour later Rajeev turns to his wife and asks Mona did we pay our Rs 5 lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank? No sweetheart she responds Rajeev still shaken from the crash landing then asks Mona did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet? Oh no I m sorry I forgot to send the cheque she says One last thing Mona Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month? he asks Oh forgive me Rajeev begged Mona I didn t send that one either Rajeev grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 20 years Mona pulls away and asks him So why did you hug me? Rajeev answers Thnx to U They ll find us

रात के वक्त पति : पानी पिलाओ
पत्नी पानी लेने गयी तब तक पति सो गया
पत्नी सारी रात पानी का गिलास पकड़े खड़ी रही
सुबह जब पति की आँख खुली तो देख के बहुत खुश हुआ और बोला मांगो क्या मांगती हो
पत्नी: तलाक दे दे कमीने

Prof of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte Prof of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing Prof of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines Prof of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart Prof of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts Prof of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria Prof of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction Prof of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic Prof of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned Prof of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply Prof of Statistics: A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36 Prof of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old Prof of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all Prof of Engineering: Uh What? I m not familiar with that term

ARIES: Can get super loud and rude after drinking can create a scene Taurus: These are generally graceful peopleeven after drinking a lot they never misbehave Gemini: May drink a lot and may not talk a lot they like to hv a good time though like they may sing loudly whn drunk Cancer: They can drink very fast may instigate others to drink as well Forget when to stop Virgo: Are moderate drinkers never lose control but they can be very funny when drunk Libra: They go all crazy when drunk Although they will never overstep their mark always in control Scorpio: Can get very nasty when drunk be careful of a drunk scorpio difficult to control one Leo: They will drink more if you stop them Are most likely to participate in drinking competitions Sagitarius: They are heavy drinkers they always know how much they can handle get very hyper and talkative after drinking Capricorn: They are moderate drinkers who really knw how to have fun May get super naughty when drunk Pisces: They are knock out drinkers but only with best pals can vomit after getting very drunk Aquarius: Can drink a lot and not get drunk at the same time But once they are drunk they will go on laughing and blabbering

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music No one is around so he starts searching for the source He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven 1770-1827 Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward Puzzled he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him By the time they arrive back at the grave the music has changed This time it is the Seventh Symphony but like the previous piece it is being played backward Curious the men agree to consult a music scholar When they return with the expert the Fifth Symphony is playing again backward The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed the 9th then the 7th then the 5th By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward Just then the graveyard s caretaker ambles up to the group Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music Oh it s nothing to worry about says the caretaker He s just decomposing