When Shabana Azmi greeted Nelson Mandela with a kiss the following eulogy was written in praise of the act by Principal B S Bhatnagar of the Indian school A1 Ghubra Sultanate of Oman A kiss is that which you cannot give without taking and cannot take without giving It is a contraction of the mouth due to an enlargement of the heart It is a course of procedure cunningly devised for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous It is lip service to love and the anatomical juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in a state of contraction A kiss is a peculiar proposition Of no use to one yet absolute bliss to two The small boy gets it for nothing the young man has to steal it and the old man has to buy it It is the baby`s right the lover`s privilege and the hypocrite`s mask To a young girl faith? A married woman -hope? To an old maid- charity A kiss can be a comma a quotation mark or an exclamation point It is also a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one

Eat right Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system Walk for at least an hour a day go for a swim take the stairs instead of the elevator etc Wash your hands often If you can t wash them keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around Get lots of fresh air Open windows whenever possible Get plenty of rest Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can OR Take the doctor s office approach Think about it When you go for a shot what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol Why? Because alcohol kills germs So I walk to the liquor store (exercise) I put lime in my Corona (fruit) Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) Drink outdoors on the bar patio (fresh air) Tell jokes laugh (eliminate stress) Then pass out (rest) The way I see it If you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can t get you My grandmother always said A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass

मैं पीकर नहीं बहकता बहकता हूँ तो उसे_देखकर
अब बताओ ज़रा कि शराब_हराम है या वो...?
इतने में मम्मी के कमरे से आवाज़ आई शराब_हराम है....
और वो हरामजादी हैं और तु रैपटे खायेगा हरामखोर.!!!

A customer complaint to the Irish Railway Company The following is a customer complaint to the Irish Railway Company Gentlemen I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2 000 years ago Yours truly Patrick Finnegan Dear Mr Finnegan We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history The only mode of transportation 2 000 years ago was by foot Sincerely Irish Railway Company Gentlemen I am in receipt of your letter and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David 9th Chapter you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass That gentlemen is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years Yours truly Patrick Finnegan

We polish the Polish furniture He could lead if he would get the lead out A farm can produce produce The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse The soldier decided to desert in the desert The present is a good time to present the present At the Army base a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum The dove dove into the bushes I did not object to the object The insurance for the invalid was invalid The bandage was wound around the wound There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row They were too close to the door to close it The buck does funny things when the does are present They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line To help with planting the farmer taught his sow to sow The wind was too strong to wind the sail After a number of Novocain injections my jaw got number I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes I had to subject the subject to a series of tests How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt

एक कानपुरिया मोबाइल रीचार्ज करवाने गया
दुकानदार: कितने का रीचार्ज करना है
कानपुरिया: 10/- रु का कर दो
दुकानदार: 7/- रु का टॉकटाइम मिलेगा
कानपुरिया: कोई बात नही 3/- रु की बीडी दे दो

A large group of Pakistani soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a Indian voice call from behind a sand dune One Indian Army soldier is better than ten Pakistanis The Pakistani commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes then silence The voice then calls out One Indian Army soldier is better than fifty Pakistanis Furious the Pakistani commander sends his next best 50 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences After 10 minutes of battle again silence The Indian voice calls out again One Indian Army soldier is better than one hundred Pakistanis The enraged Pakistani Commander musters one hundred of his best fighters and sends then across the dune Gunfire grenades machine gun fire rockets etc ring out as a huge battle is fought Then silence Eventually one wounded Pakistani fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his Commander Don`t send anymore men its a trap there`s two of them

Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared the weather report said You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets Joe said Jeez okay and got up from his coffee The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee The weather forecast was There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets Again Joe replied Jeez okay and got up from his coffee Two days later again they`re sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared You must park your cars on the and the power went out and Joe didn`t get the rest of the instructions He turned to Joan Jeez what am I going to do now Joan? Joan replied Aw Joe just leave the car in the darned garage today

George an elderly man was going up to bed when his wife told him that he d left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from the bedroom window George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things He phoned the police who asked Is someone in your house? and he said no Then they said that all patrols were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available George said Okay hung up counted to 30 and phoned the police again Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed Well you don t have to worry about them now because I ve just shot all the sons of bitches Then he hung up Within five minutes three police cars an Armed Response unit and an ambulance showed up at the George s residence Of course the police caught the burglars red-handed One of the policemen said to George I thought you said that you d shot them George said I thought you said there was nobody available

An older white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a ring and showed it to him The old man said I don t think you understand I want something very special At that statement the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over Here s a stunning ring at only Rs 5 00 000 the jeweller said The young lady s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement The old man seeing this said We ll take it The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by cheque I know you need to make sure the cheque is good so I ll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon he said Monday morning a very peed-off jeweller phoned the old man There s no money in that account I know said the old man but can you imagine the weekend I had?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him he noticed a film-like substance on his plate So he says Grandfather are these plates clean? His grandfather replies Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal That afternoon while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean ? Without looking up from his burger the grandfather says I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them now don`t ask me about it anymore Well later that day they were on their way out to get dinner As he was leaving the house grandfather`s dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass Grandfather your dog won`t let me out Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching his grandfather shouted Coldwater get your butt out of the way

Female version: First Woman: Oh you got a haircut That s so cute Second Woman: Do you think so? I wasn t sure when she gave me the mirror I mean you don t think it s too fluffy-looking? First Woman: Oh Goodness no No it s perfect I d love to get my hair cut like that but I think my face is too wide I m pretty much stuck with it how it is I think Second Woman: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would really suit you I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck First Woman: What s wrong with your neck? I would love to have a neck like yours; anything to take attention away from my awful shoulder line Second Woman: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders Everything hangs so well on you You re like a walking fashion catalogue But look at my arms see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier Male version: First Man: Haircut? Second Man: Yeah

नवजोत सिंह सिद्धू का एक छोटा सा फैन स्कूल पहुंचा तो टीचर ने पूछा : Noun क्या है
बच्चा: मोहतरमा अर्ज किया है
कुत्ता भी होता है अपनी गली में किंग Noun इज़ द नेम ऑफ एनी पर्सन प्लेस और थिंग्स

Three sons left home went out on their own and prospered Getting back together they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother The first said I built a big house for our Mother The second said I sent her a Mercedes with a driver The third smiled and said I ve got you both beat You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can t see very well any more I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him He s one of a kind Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it Soon thereafter Mom sent out her letters of thanks: Milton she wrote one son the house you built is so huge I live in only one room but I have to clean the whole house Gerald she wrote to another I am too old to travel any more I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes And the driver is so rude Dearest Donald she wrote to her third son you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes The chicken was delicious

They turned on a night light turned the answer machine on the phone line covered their pet parakeet and threw the cat into the backyard They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house The cat they had thrown into the yard scoots back into the house They don t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat The cat runs upstairs the man in hot pursuit The wife doesn t want the driver to know the house will be empty She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon He s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab Sorry I took so long he says Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me But it worked I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the back yard