The post office received a letter addressed To God Not knowing where to deliver it they forwarded it to one of the nearby churches The pastor read it at the next charity committee meeting: Dear God I hate to bother you but my family is having it tough right now The rent is two month s due my wife is expecting and my car is broke down Plus I just lost my job as a night watchman due to sleeping on the job Please send us 1 000 bucks and I won t bother you again The pastor read the name and one of the members recognized it He lives right down the street from the church she said This might be a good way to witness to him and show him we care The others agreed but the church fund was only to help members Finally after much discussion they decided to pool their resources and give from their own pockets They came up with 500 bucks then wrote out a check from the church and sent it to him Months passed with no word of thanks or even acknowledgment Some time later they received another letter forwarded to them addressed to God It was from the same fellow Dear God I hate to bother you again but I lost my new job at the shoe store my car was wrecked and my wife is in the hospital again Please send me 1 000 bucks to get these creditors off our backs Thanks again P S Please send it to me directly this time Last time you sent it through the church next door and those dirty crooks kept half of it

Three high steel building workers break for lunch and sit down high above the city First worker opens his lunch box and complains Not lentils and rice again today Every day lentils rice lentils rice If I have lentils rice again tomorrow I will throw myself from this building Second worker opens his lunch box and exclaims Not butter chicken rice again Every day chicken rice If I have that again tomorrow I`ll throw myself off too The last worker a blonde opens his lunch box and said Not baked macaroni and cheese again Every day the same baked macaroni and cheese If I have that one more time tomorrow I`ll throw myself off with you guys The next day at lunch the first worker opens his lunch and cries Lintils and rice ? ? He throws himself off the building from the 20th floor The second worker his lunch and sees that he has butter chicken and rice again and throws himself off too The blonde opens his lunch and shouts Baked macaroni and cheese again and throws himself off as well The next day at the combined funeral the wife of the first worker stands up and tearfully says If I only knew he didn`t like lentils and rice I would never have made it for his lunch The wife of the second worker stands and says I always thought he liked butter chicken If I knew he hated it I would never have made it for his lunch The wife of the blonde stands and says I don`t understands it He always made his own lunch

One evening a man walked into a fast-food chicken place and bought a nine-piece bucket of chicken He took his chicken to the park for a romantic dinner under the moonlight with his lady Upon reaching into the bucket however he received a surprise Instead of chicken he discovered what was apparently the restaurant s night deposit - some nine thousand bucks The young man brought the bucket back to the store and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money The manager in awe of the young man s honesty asked for his name and told him he wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station to do a story on him He would become a local hero an example of honesty and morality that would inspire others The hungry man shrugged it off My date s waiting I just want my chicken The manager s renewed amazement over the young man s humility almost overwhelmed him He begged to be allowed to tell the story on the news At this the honest man became angry with the manager and demanded his chicken I don t get it the manager responded You are an honest man in a dishonest world This is a perfect opportunity to show the world that there are honest people still willing to take a stand for what is right Please give me your name and also the woman s name Is that your wife? That s the problem said the young man My wife is at home The woman in the car is my girlfriend Now let me have my chicken so I can get out of here

Farmer Brown from Minnesota had a bull that he was quite proud of One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed That was disconcerting because he knew he couldn t get huge stud fees for a defective bull He called the local vet who came right over The vet assured him he could solve the problem Farmer Brown you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes I will insert this straw into the bull s rectum and blow When the eyes uncross yell stop The vet did just that and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing the eyes uncrossed Farmer Brown was thrilled Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross He says to himself I better call the vet No wait a minute Last time I called the vet he charged me 250 00 for something that only took a few moments I will do it myself He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand Luke Luke we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow You watch his eyes and when they uncross tell me and I will stop blowing Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened Finally he said You know maybe I am not strong enough Luke Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch Luke went over to the bull pulled out the straw turned it around and reinserted it What the hell are you doing Luke? says Farmer Brown What do you think? I ain t blowing on the same end that you did

A Pathan hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees so he left his whole basket of hats by the side A few hours later he woke up and realized that all his hats were one He looked up and to his surprise the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats Pathan sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down While thinking he started to scratch his head The next moment the monkeys were doing the same Next he took down his own hat the monkeys did exactly the same An idea came to him he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too So he finally managed to get all his hats back Fifty years later his grandson also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather father One day just like his father he passed by the same forest It was very hot and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree He remembered his grandfather s words he started scratching his head and the monkeys followed He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed Now very convinced of his grandfather s idea he threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise the monkeys still held on to all the hats Then one monkey climbed down the tree grabbed the hat on the floor gave him a slap and said You think only you have a grandfather?

In ancient Greece Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in the highest esteem One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said Socrates do you know what I just heard about your friend? Hold on a minute Socrates replied Before telling me anything I d like you to pass a little test It s called the Triple Filter Test Triple filter? That s right Socrates continued Before you talk to me about my friend it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you re going to say The first filter is Truth Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is absolutely true? No the man said I actually just heard about it and All right said Socrates So you don t really know if it s true or not Now let s try the second filter the filter of Goodness Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good? No on the contrary So Socrates continued you want to tell me something bad about him but you re not certain it s true You may still pass the test though because there s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me? No not really Well concluded Socrates if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful why tell it to me at all? This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem It also explains why he never found out that his best friend was having a secret affair with his wife

A Jamaican wants a job but the foreman won t hire him until he passes a little math test Here is your first question the foreman said Without using numbers represent the number 9 Without numbers? the Jamaican says Dat is easy And proceeds to draw three trees What s this? the boss asks Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine says the Jamaican Fair enough says the boss Here s your second question Use the same rules but this time the number is 99 The Jamaican stares into space for a while then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree Ere you go The boss scratches his head and says How on earth do you get that to represent 99? Each of da trees is dirty now So it s dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree Dat is 99 The boss is getting worried that he s going to actually have to hire this Jamaican so he says All right last question Same rules again but represent the number 100 The Jamaican stares into space some more then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says Ere you go One hundred The boss looks at the attempt You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says A little dog come along and crap by each tree So now you got dirty tree and a turd dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd which makes one hundred So when I start?

Once upon a time a small boy named Hameed living in a tiny primitive Moroccan village was bvery moron and all his classmates hate him for his stupidity especially his teacher Aisha who was always yelling on him you are driving me crazy Hameed one day his mother went to check out how is he doing and the teacher Aisha told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster getting very low marks and even she never seen such a dumb boy in her whole career the mother could not accept such a feed back and not only she took her son out from that school but she even shifted to another city 25 years later that teacher got an incurable cardio disease and all the doctors have strongly advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform effectively left with no other choices she did the surgery and was successful when she opened her eyes she has seen a handsome doctor smiling to her being under anesthesia effect she would loved to thank him but could not talk at his turn he was stiring at her face which started turning to bleu she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died the doctor was shocked and hardly trying to understand what just happened till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed working as a cleaner in that clinic who unplugged the oxygen device to connect his Vaccum Don t tell me you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor This is called a Twist in the Tale

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner However he was late so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited He commenced with: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and when questioned by the police was able to lie his way out of it He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss s wife; had affiar with his boss s 20 year old daughter taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of good and loving people Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: I ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived said the politician In fact I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession Moral: Never Never Never Be Late

You can say what you want about Florida but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north These are actual ads seen in The Villages Florida newspaper Who says seniors don t have a sense of humour? Foxy Lady Sexy fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty 80 s slim 5 4 (used to be 5 6 ) Searching for sharp-looking sharp-dressing companion Matching white shoes and belt a plus Ling Term Commitment Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot Dizziness fainting shortness of breath not a problem Senenity Now I am into solitude long walks sunrises the ocean yoga and meditation If you are the silent type let s get together take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times Winning Smile Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks corn on the cob and caramel candy Beatles or Stones? I still like to rock still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar If you were a groovy chick or are now a groovy hen let s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes Memories I can usually remember Monday through Thursday If you can remember Friday Saturday and Sunday let s put our two heads together Mint Cindition Male 1932 model high mileage good condition some hair many new parts including hip knee cornea valves Isn t in running condition but walks well Do not regret growing older It is a privilege denied to many

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage No one involved in a car chase hijacking explosion volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite When they are alone all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other You can always find a chainsaw when you need one Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on

Long ago when sailing ships ruled the waves a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship As the crew became frantic the captain bellowed to his First Mate Bring me my red shirt The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain s red shirt which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party Although some casualties occurred among the crew the pirates were repelled Later that day the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties The crew cowered in fear but the captain calm as ever bellowed Bring me my red shirt Once again the battle was on and once more the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties although this time more casualties occurred Weary from the battles the men sat on deck that night recounting the day s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked Sir why did you call for your red shirt before the battle? The Captain giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give exhorted If I am wounded in battle the red shirt does not show the wound and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man As dawn came the next morning the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships 10 of them all with boarding parties on their way The men became silent and looked to the Captain their leader for his usual command The Captain calm as ever bellowed Bring me my brown pants

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish unlike English nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine House for instance is feminine: la casa Pencil however is masculine: el lapiz A student asked What gender is computer ? Instead of giving the answer the teacher split the class into two groups male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation The men s group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ( la computadora ) because: 1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3 Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4 As soon as you make a commitment to one you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it (THIS GETS BETTER ) The women s group however concluded that computers should be Masculine ( el computador ) because: 1 In order to do anything with them you have to turn them on; 2 They have a lot of data but still can t think for themselves; 3 They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4 As soon as you commit to one you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model The women won

If you throw a stone randomly in Bangalore chances are it will hit a dog or a software engineer While the dog may or may not have a strap around his neck the software engineer will definitely have one In India we drive on the left of the road In Bangalore we drive on what is left of the road Q: What is the easiest way of causing traffic accidents in Bangalore? A: Follow the traffic rules A guy who was hunting house in Bangalore meets old lady who is potential landlord Old lady: Where do you work son? Guy : I work in Infosys Old lady: Oh that bus company Sorry we rent only to good IT people It would appear that Infosys operates more buses than BMTC in Bangalore Bangalore where PG (Paying Guest) is the first business and IT the second When someone says It s raining in Bangalore be sure to ask them which area which lane and which road If a Bangalorean stops at a traffic light others behind him stop too because The others conclude that he has spotted a policeman that they themselves have not Bangalore is the only city where distance is measured in units of time Rickhsaw driver grocery seller and common shop keeper thinks that you earn atleast 1 lakh p/month if you are in IT sector Out of every 100 software engineers in Bangalore 90 are utterly frustrated and rest have a gf/bf Bus drivers use horns instead of brakes Bangalore: The City where more people know Language C than kannada Universal answer in Bangalore is: Adjust Maadi

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility As part of the negotiations Her Majesty s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as Euro-English In the first year s will replace the soft c Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy The hard c will be dropped in favour of the k This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ph will be replaced with f This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter In the 3rd year publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling Also al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent e s in the language is disgraseful and they should go away By the fourth year peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th with z and w with v During ze fifz year ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters After zis fifz yer ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer Ze drem vil finali kum tru And zen world