लड़की: कौन हो तुम? पप्पू: हसरत तेरी। लड़की: देखते हो क्या? पप्पू: सूरत तेरी। लड़की: करते हो क्या? पप्पू: पूजा तेरी। लड़की: काफ़िर हो क्या? पप्पू: सोच है तेरी। लड़की: चाहते हो क्या? पप्पू: मोहब्बत तेरी। लड़की: पछताओगे। पप्पू: किस्मत मेरी। लड़की: राखी सावंत हूँ मैं। पप्पू: ओ तेरी सॉरी आंटी गलत नंबर लग गया।
एक बार एक लड़का अपनी पड़ोस की एक लड़की के पास गया और बोला; लड़का: आई लव यू! लड़के की बात सुन लड़की ने मुस्कुराते हुए जवाब दिया; लड़की: सॉरी मैं किसी और से प्यार करती हूँ! लड़का उदास हो गया फिर अचानक भागने लगा और बोला; लड़का: तेरी मम्मी को बताऊंगा - तेरी मम्मी को बताऊंगा! लड़की: अरे रुक जा कमबख्त आई लव यू टू!
A pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down The pastor coaxed offered warm milk etc The kitty would not come down The tree was not sturdy enough to climb so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down he could then reach up and get the kitten He did all this checking his progress in the car frequently then figured if he went just a little bit further the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten But as he moved a little further forward the rope broke The tree went boing and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight The pastor felt terrible He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they d seen a little kitten Nobody had seen a stray kitten So he prayed Lord I just commit this kitten to your keeping and went on about his business A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it so he asked her Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much? She replied You won t believe this and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat but she kept refusing Then a few days before the child had begged again so the Mom finally told her little girl Well if God gives you a cat I ll let you keep it She told the pastor I watched my child go out in the yard get on her knees and ask God for a cat And really Pastor you won t believe this but I saw it with my own eyes A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky with its paws spread out and landed right in front of he
Joe was a housekeeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss wine bottle and replacing it with water The boss James did suspect him but tolerated it for a while But when this became a daily routine James decided to do something to trap Joe Accordingly James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed colour when water is added to it Joe not aware of the trap took a few swigs and added water as usual The wine changed colour from red to milky white Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it James told his wife about Joe s misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies So he shouted Joe Joe answered from the kitchen Yes boss? James Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle? There was no answer from the kitchen The boss repeated the question still no answer The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with Yes Boss and when I ask you a question you remain silent What impertinence Joe said It is like this In the kitchen you can hear only your name being called You don t hear anything else that is said I swear James How is that possible? All right I will prove you wrong You stay right here in the hall with Madam I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question OK? So the boss went to the kitchen Joe shouted Boss Boss Yes Joe? Joe Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam s absence? Silence - no reply Joe again Who made the maid pregnant? No reply Joe yet again And who arranged for her abortion? James came running from the kitchen and said You are right Joe When one is in kitchen one can t hear anything but one s name That s bloody strange
जीतो: मैं किसी ऐसे खुशमिजाज व्यक्ति से शादी करना चाहती हूं जो अच्छा गाता हो बढि़या डांसर हो मुझे रोज नई-नई जगह दिखाए हर हफ्ते पिक्चर दिखाये दुनिया भर की बातें करे। मैं जब बोलने को कहूं तो बोले और चुप रहने को कहूं तो चुप हो जाये। प्रीतो: मेरे खयाल से तुम्हें पति की नहीं टेलीविजन सेट की आवश्यकता है।
घर में जब खुद की शादी की चर्चा होती है
तो लगता है जैसे इलेक्शन का टिकट मिल गया हो
लड़की देखते है तो लगता है की प्रचार की धमाधम चल रही हो
किसी लड़की के हाँ कहने पर लगता है की जैसे MLA बन गए हो
और शादी के वो 2-4 दिन लगता है जैसे हम मुख्यमंत्री बन गए हो
और शादी के 1 साल बाद लगता है जैसे कोई घोटाला करके फस गए हो
Anti-body - - Against everyone Artery -- The study of fine paintings Bacteria -- The back door of a cafeteria Barium -- What you do after CPR fails Benign -- What you are after you be eight and before you be ten Cardiac arrest -- Taken into custody after stealing a coupe Deville CAT Scan -- Searching for the kitty Cardiology Advance -- study of poker playing Cauterize -- To make eye contact with a woman Cesarean section -- A district in Rome Charlie Horse -- A 10 to 1 long shot in the Kentucky Derby Colic -- A sheep dog Coma -- A punctuation mark Congenital - Friendly D C -- Where Washington is Dilate -- To live long Enema -- Not a friend Fibula -- A small white lie G I Series -- A baseball game between teams of soldiers Genes -- What you wear cutting grass Hangnail -- A coat hook Impotent - Distinguished well known Labor pain -- Getting hurt at work Medical staff -- A doctor s cane Morbid -- A higher offer Nitrates -- Cheaper than the day rate Node -- Movement of head meaning yes Organic -- An organ work repairman Paralyze -- Two far fetched stories Pharmacist -- A person who makes living in agriculture Phobopohobia -- Fear of phobias or fear itself Pelvis -- A cousin of Elvis Post-operative -- A letter carrier Protein -- In favor of young people Rectum -- Dang near killed em Scalpel -- What you stand on to clean windows in high rise buildings Secretion -- Hiding something Seizure -- A Roman emperor Tablet -- A small table Terminal illness -- Getting sick at the airport Thalassotherophy -- Fear of the sea Tumor -- An extra pair Urine -- The opposite of you are out Vein - Conceited Varicose - Nearby Xenophobia -- fear of strangers or foreigners
एक लड़की सब्ज़ी वाले से: मुझे कोई ऐसी सब्ज़ी दो जिसके 7 फायदे हों। सब्ज़ी वाला: यह लो मैडम यह गाज़र ले लो। 1. आलू के साथ पका सकती हो। 2. जूस निकाल कर पी सकती हो। 3. सलाद बना सकती हो। 4. गाजर का हलवा बना सकती हो। 5. नूडल्स में डाल सकती हो। 6. मुरब्बा बना सकती हो। 7. आचार बना सकती हो। . . . . . . . . . बेटा तू जो ढूंढ रहा है ऐसा कुछ नहीं मिलेगा!
To: All Employees From: Personnel Department RE: ABSENTEEISM It has been brought to the attention of the Board that the attendance record of our company is a disgrace It has now become necessary to revise some of our policies The following changes take place immediately SICKNESS: No excuse We will no longer accept your doctor s statement as proof as we believe that if you are able to get to the doctor you are able to come to work DEATH: (Other than your own ) This is no excuse There is nothing you can do for the deceased and we are sure that someone with a lesser number of obligations can attend to the arrangements However if the funeral can be held late in the afternoon we will be glad to let you off one hour early provided that you work is sufficiently ahead so that you won t inconvenience other employees by your absence LEAVE OF ABSENCE (For an operation ) We are no longer allowing this practice We wish to discourage any thought that you might need an operation Since we believe that as long as you are employed here you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for DEATH (Your own ) This will be accepted as an excuse but we would like two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train someone else to do your job Also entirely too much time is being spent in restrooms In the future we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order For instance those whose name begins with A will go from 8:00 to 8:15 B will go from 8:15 to 8:30 and so on If you are unable to go at your time it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes up
A magazine recently ran a Dilbert Quotes contest They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America: As of tomorrow employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA) What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter (Lykes Lines Shipping) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager Electric Boat Company) This project is so important we can t let things that are more important interfere with it (Advertising/ Marketing manager United Parcel Service) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule (Plant Manager Delco Corporation) No one will believe you solved this problem in one day We ve been working on it for months Now go act busy for a few weeks and I ll let you know when it s time to tell them (R D supervisor Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp) Quote from the Boss: Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say (Marketing executive Citrix Corporation) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday When I told my Boss he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday He said That would be better for me (Shipping executive FTD Florists) We know that communication is a problem but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees (Switching supervisor AT T Long Lines Division)
जजः तुम्हे गिरफ्तार क्यों किया गया ? चोर: पता नहीं साहब मैं तो सुबह-सुबह शॉपिंग कर रहा था और हवालदार साहब मुझे गिरफ्तार करके यहाँ ले आये। जजः अच्छा लेकिन यह तो कोई गुनाह नहीं हुआ? चोर: हां मैं भी कब से इन्हें यही समझाने की कोशिश कर रहा हूं। जजः आप सुबह किस वक्त शॉपिंग कर रहे थे? चोर: जी दुकान खुलने से पहले।
मालिक आलसी नौकर से: यहां पर इतने सारे मच्छर गुन-गुन कर रहे हैं तू उन्हें मार क्यों नहीं देता! थोड़ी देर बाद मालिक: अबे साले नौकर के बच्चे मैंने तुझे मच्छर मारने को कहा अभी तक तूने मारे नहीं वो अब भी गुन-गुन कर रहे हैं! आलसी नौकर: मालिक मच्छर तो मैंने मार दिए थे यह तो उनकी बीवियां हैं जो विधवा होकर रो रही हैं!
A young boy goes off to college but about 1/3 way through the semester he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him Hmmmm he wonders How am I gonna get more dough? Then he gets an idea He calls his father Dad he says you won t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with Why they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk That s absolutely amazing his father says How do I get him in that program? Just send him down here with 1000 the boy says I ll get him into the course So his father sends the dog and the 1000 About 2/3 way through the semester the money runs out The boy calls his father again So how s Fido doing son? his father asks Awesome dad he s talking up a storm he says but you just won t believe this -they ve had such good results with this program that they ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ READ ? says his father No kidding What do I have to do to get him in that program? Just send 2 500 I ll get him in the class And his father sends the money At the end of the semester the boy has a problem When he gets home his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read So he shoots the dog When he gets home his father is all excited Where s Fido? I just can t wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something Dad the boy says I have some grim news This morning when I got out of the shower Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner reading the morning paper like he usually does Then he turned to me and asked So is your dad still messing around with that little blonde who lives in Next Street? The father says Oh shit; I hope you SHOT that lying son of a bitch I sure did Dad That s my boy
एक बार एक युवक एक ज्योतिषी से अपना भविष्य पूछने जाता है; ज्योतिषी: तुम्हारे भाग्य में सात लड़कियां लिखी हैं! ज्योतिषी की बात सुन युवक ख़ुशी से फुला नहीं समाता और उछल कर ज्योतिषी से कहता है; युवक: अरे वाह...फिर तो बहुत मजा आएगा! ज्योतिषी: ज्यादा खुश मत हो उसमें एक तुम्हारी बीवी और छ: तुम्हारी बेटियां होंगी!
एयर इंडिया की फ्लाईट का पायलट यात्रिओं को सूचना देने के बाद एम.आई.सी. बंद करना भूल गया पायलट अपने साथी पायलट से कहने लगा: मैं पहले कॉफी पियूँगा फिर एयरहोस्टैस को किस्स करूँगा! ये सुन के एयरहोस्टैस एम.आई .सी. बंद करने भागी और फिसल कर गिर पड़ी! पास बैठा बुजुर्ग ये देख कर बोला: बेटी आराम से जा पहले वो कॉफी पिएगा...
