LAWYER: I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage The person whom I m looking for should be strictly a girl The girl should be strictly a girl The girl should be willing to surender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i e Myself Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence BOATMAN: Must be able to dig clean cook worms and clean fish Must have own boat with motor Plaese send the photograph of motorboat BANKER: Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service SHAYAR: Badi muddat ke baad ek arzoo jaagi hai Ki hum bhi shadi shuda ho jaye Kya vajah shadi karane ki jo kahde sahi sahi To yaron ab khud se kaam ghar ka hota nahi BEVDA: Wanted a girl Girl s father should preferably have a soda factory I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home Friend come home only seven times a week Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar Meet personally or send soda for trial Sample should be ample CAR MECHANIC: Wanted a sturdy wife Should be in working condition Should be above average and must run the household at a good average Dent won t be tolerated especially in the head gear DOCTOR: Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria making me desirous of marriage I m looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin metasin or crosin I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects Apply or reply

A young Law student having failed his Law exam goes up to his crusty old professor who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind Student: Sir do you really understand everything about this subject? Professor: Actually I probably do Otherwise I wouldn t be a professor would I? Student: OK So I d like to ask you a question If you can give me the correct answer I will accept my mark as it is If you can t give me the correct answer however you ll have to give me an A Professor: Hmmmm all right So what s the question? Student: What is legal but not logical logical but not legal and neither logical nor legal? The professor wracks his famous brain but just can t crack the answer Finally he gives up and changes the student s failing mark into an A as agreed and the student goes away very pleased The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon but still can t get the answer So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really really tough question to answer: What is legal but not logical logical but not legal and neither logical nor legal? To the professor s surprise (and embarrassment) all the students immediately raise their hands All right says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer It s quite easy sir says the student You see you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman which is legal but not logical Your wife has a 22 year old lover which is logical but not legal And your wife s lover failed his exam but you ve just given him an A which is neither legal nor logical

नौकरानी (मालकिन से): मेमसाब गजब हो गया पड़ोस की तीन औरतें मिलकर आपकी सास को बहुत पीट रही हैं! यह सुन मालकिन भागी-भागी नीचे गई और चुपचाप तमाशा देखने लगी यह देख नौकरानी ने हैरानी से अपनी मालकिन से पूछा; नौकरानी: आप मदद करने क्यों नहीं जा रही? मालकिन: मुझे लगता है तीन औरतें ही काफी हैं!

अमेरिका में एक भारतीय को हार्ट अटैक हुआ और उसे एम्बुलेंस में ले जाया जा रहा था
धार्मिक होने के नाते वो लगातार बुदबुदा रहे थे Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om
जब एम्बुलेंस उनके घर पर रूकी तो उस आदमी की पत्नी एम्बुलेंस वालों पर चिल्लाई कि इनको सीधे हॉस्पिटल क्यों नहीं ले गए घर क्यों लाये
Ambulance staff replied Because he kept saying Hurry home Hurry home Hurry home

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald s fast food establishment Not sure if they hired him NAME:Armando Rodriguez DESIRED POSITION Reclining Ha ha ha But seriously whatever s available If I was in a position to be picky I wouldn t be applying here in the first place DESIRED SALARY 185 000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package If that s not possible make an offer and we can haggle EDUCATION Yes LAST POSITION HELD Reclining on my mom s couch SALARY Less than I m worth MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes REASON FOR LEAVING It sucked HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK Any PREFERRED HOURS 1:30 - 3:30 pm Monday Tuesday and Thursday DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes but they re better suited to a more intimate environment MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs? HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes DO YOU SMOKE?Only when set on fire WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I m the greatest thing since sliced bread Actually I d like to be doing that now DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No but I dare you to prove otherwise SIGN HERE Scorpio with Libra rising

एक बार एक लड़का अपनी गर्लफ्रेंड के साथ बगीचे में बैठा बातें कर रहा होता है; लड़का: जानू आज मौसम कितना सुहाना है ना? लड़की: हाँ! लड़का : तो इस सुहाने मौसम में कोई ऐसी बात करो ना जिसे सुन कर मेरे दिल की धड़कन तेज हो जाए! लड़की (अचानक): अबे भाग नहीं तो आज तू पिटेगा मेरा बाप और भाई इधर ही आ रहे हैं!

1 In Cleveland Ohio it s illegal to catch mice without a hunting license 2 Dr Seuss coined the word nerd in his 1950 book If I Ran the Zoo 3 It takes 3 000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year s supply of footballs 4 Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married 5 There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald s Big Mac bun 6 The world s termites outweigh the world s humans 10 to 1 7 Pound for pound hamburgers cost more than new cars 8 The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro Coca-Cola and Budweiser in that order 9 When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year 10 It s possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs 11 The Bible has been translated into Klingon 12 Humans are the only primates that don t have pigment in the palms of their hands 13 Ten percent of the Russian government s income comes from the sale of vodka 14 Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants 15 On average 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year 16 In 10 minutes a hurricane releases more energy than all the world s nuclear weapons combined 17 Average life span of a major league baseball: 5 pitches 18 Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49 8 years 19 Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50 6 20 Elephants can t jump Every other mammal can 21 The cigarette lighter was invented before the match 22 According to one study 24% of lawns have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard 23 Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery coffee cola apple and chocolate

काली-कलूटी लड़की फेसबुक पर नाम White Angel मोटा गैंडा लड़का फेसबुक पर नाम Smart Guy अँधेरे से भी डरने वाला लड़का फेसबुक पर नाम The Killer मोहल्ले की सबसे देसी लड़की फेसबुक पर नाम Princess Rocks 45 साल की आंटी फेसबुक पर नाम The Doll Returns 60 साल का बाबा फेसबुक पर नाम The King ऐसे फेसबुक नामों से सावधान क्योंकि हो सकता है कि आप भी इनका शिकार हो जायें।

Attraction: the act of associating horniness with a particular person Love at First Sight: What occurs when two extremely horny but not entirely choosy people meet Dating: The process of spending enormous amounts of money time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future Birth Control: Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills inserting a diaphragm using a condom and dating repulsive men Easy: A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man Ete Contact: A method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him Despite being advised to do so many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes not necessarily due to the shyness but usually due to the fact that a woman s eyes are not located in her chest Friend: a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing Indifference: A woman s feeling towards a man which is interpreted by the man as playing hard to get Interesting: A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking Irritating Habit: What the endearing little qualities that initially atract two people to each other turn into after a few months together Law of Relativity: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is Nymphomaniac: A man s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does Sober: Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love

Woman: Is there a problem Officer? Officer: Ma am you were speeding Woman: Oh I see Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I d give it to you but I don t have one Officer: Don t have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving Officer: I see Can I see your vehicle registration papers please Woman: I can t do that Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car clasping his half drawn gun Officer 2: Ma am could you step out of your vehicle please Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes could you open the trunk of your car please The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk Officer 2: Is this your car ma am? Woman: Yes here are the registration papers  The officer is quite stunned Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver s license The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license He looks quite puzzled Officer 2: I must admit ma am that I m confused; the officer told me you didn t have a license that you stole this car and that you murdered the owner Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding too?

1 Every takeoff is optional Every landing is mandatory 2 If you push the stick forward the houses get bigger If you pull the stick back they get smaller That is unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back then they get bigger again 3 Flying isn t dangerous Crashing is what s dangerous 4 It s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here 5 The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you re on fire 6 The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool When it stops you can actually watch the pilot start sweating 7 When in doubt hold on to your altitude No one has ever collided with the sky 8 A good landing is one from which you can walk away A great landing is one after which they can use the plane again 9 Learn from the mistakes of others You won t live long enough to make all of them yourself 10 You know you ve landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp 11 The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival Large angle of arrival small probability of survival and vice versa 12 Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn t get to five minutes earlier 13 Stay out of clouds The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds 14 Always try to keep the number of landing you make equal to the number of take-offs you ve made 15 There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing Unfortunately no one knows what they are

Dr Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate graduate and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference held in his hometown He walked on stage placed his papers on the lectern but they slid off onto the floor As he bent over to retrieve them at precisely the wrong instant he inadvertently farted The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door never to be seen in his hometown again Decades later when his elderly mother was ill he returned to visit her He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness The desk clerk asked him Is this your first visit to our city Mr Cohen? Dr Drobkin replied Well young man no it isn t I grew up here received my education here but then moved away Why haven t you visited? asked the desk clerk Actually I did visit once many years ago but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I ve been too ashamed to return The clerk consoled him Sir while I don t have your life experience one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn t even remembered by others I bet that s true of your incident too Dr Drobkin replied Son I doubt that s the case with my embarrassment Was it a long time ago? Yes many years The clerk asked Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?

एक लड़की से उसकी शादी के बाद पहली बार उसकी सहेली मिलने आती है। वो आपस में बातें कर रही होती हैं तो लड़की उसे बताती है। लड़की: मुझे अपने पति पर शक है कि वो रोज़ बाहर किसी लड़की से मिलते हैं। सहेली हैरानी से बोली ओह्ह अब तुम क्या करोगी? लड़की: आज ही उनके पीछे अपने दोनों बॉयफ्रेंड्स को लगाती हूँ।

सब कह रहे है कि सभी शादी शुदा भाइयों के अच्छे दिन आने वाले हैं
बीवियां मायके जाने वाली है
और मोहल्ले की पुरानी सेटिंग आने वाली है

पर मुझे ये समझ नहीं आ रहा कि जिनकी पत्नियाँ मायके जा रही हें
तो क्या उनका मायका जंगल में हें
वहाँ भी तो लोग इंतेज़ार में बेठे होंगें
जेसे आप यहाँ बैठे हो

लड़का डॉक्टर से: मेरी गर्लफ्रेंड प्रेग्नेंट है पर मैंने प्रोटेक्शन इस्तेमाल किया था
डॉक्टर: एक कहानी सुनो एक शिकारी एक दिन बन्दूक की जगह छतरी ले गया
अचानक शेर सामने आ गया तोह उसने छतरी का हैंडल खीचा और गोली चला दी शेर वही मर गया
लड़का: घंटा किसी और ने गोली मारी होगी
डॉक्टर: एक्ज़ेक्टली