Young people have often resorted to shortcuts when texting Now seniors have their own texting codes: ATD - At the Doctor s BFF - Best Friends Funeral BTW - Bring the Wheelchair BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth CBM - Covered by Medicare CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center DWI - Driving While Incontinent FWIW - Forgot Where I Was GGPBL - Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low GHA - Got Heartburn Again HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out LOL - Living on Lipitor OMSG - Oh My Sorry Gas TOT - Texting on Toilet WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? Hope these help GGLKI (Gotta Go Laxative Kicking in )

A woman goes to the doctor beaten black and blue Doctor What happened? Woman Doctor I don t know what to do Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp Doctor I have a real good medicine against that When your husband comes home drunk just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it Just gargle and gargle Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again Woman Doctor that was a brilliant idea Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me Doctor You see how keeping your mouth shut helps

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern furiously imbibing shots of whiskey One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him Lou says the shocked friend what are you doing? I ve known you for over fifteen years and I ve never seen you take a drink before What s going on? Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass the man replies My wife just ran off with my best friend He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp But says the other man I m your best friend The man turns to his friend looks at him through bloodshot eyes smiles and then slurs Not anymore

A married man was visiting his mistress when she requested that he shave his beard Oh James I like your beard but I would really love to see your handsome face James replied My wife loves this beard I couldn t possibly do it she d kill me Oh please? the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice Oh really I can t he replies My wife loves this beard The girlfriend asked once more and he sighs and finally gives in That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she s sleeping The wife is awakened somewhat feels his face and replies Oh Michael you shouldn t be here my husband will be home soon

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago The material we put in our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago Red meat is awful Soft drinks erode your stomach lining Chinese food is loaded with MSG Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realize that long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water However there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten it or will eat it Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering after eating it? A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said Wedding cake

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart What do you think you re doing? asks the wife They re on sale only 10 for 24 cans he replies Put them back we can t afford them demands the wife and so they carry on shopping A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a 20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket What do you think you re doing? asks the husband It s my face cream It makes me look beautiful replies the wife Her husband retorts So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it s half the price He never knew what hit him

Married 25 years I took a look at my wife one day and said Honey 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment a cheap car slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond Now we have a nice house nice car big bed and plasma screen TV but I m sleeping with a 50 year old woman It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things My wife is a very reasonable woman She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment driving a cheap car sleeping on a sofa bed

Jack s grandfather left him ten million dollars and the next week Diane agreed to marry him After three months of married life Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent or even worse called out other men s names Whenever they went out in public she ignored him and flirted with other men Finally he decided to confront her Diane he said the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died Don t be ridiculous she replied I don t care who gave you the money

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern furiously imbibing shots of whiskey One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him Andy says the shocked friend what are you doing? I ve known you for over fifteen years and I ve never seen you take a drink before What s going on? Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass the man replies My wife just ran off with my best friend He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp But says the other man I m your best friend The man turns to his friend looks at him through bloodshot eyes smiles and then slurs Not anymore He is

I`m worried that I`m losing my wife`s love the husband told the counselor Has she started to neglect you? Not at all the dejected man replied She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss My shirts are always ironed she`s a great cook the house is always neat she keeps the kids out of my hair She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache So what`s the problem? Maybe I`m just being too sensitive the husband ventured but at night when she thinks I`m sleeping she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers `Die you son of a bitch Die `

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife She directs him down the correct aisle A few minutes later he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter She says confused Sir I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife? He answers You see it`s like this Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper So I figure that if I have to roll my own SO DOES SHE

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service they opted for the contemporary On the big day a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church The streets were flooded so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry When he finally reached the church his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar just as the ceremony was starting Pull down your pants whispered the pastor Uh Reverend I ve changed my mind the groom responded I think I would prefer the traditional service

A little girl asked her mother How did the human race begin? The mother answered God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made Two days later the girl asked her father the same question How did the human race begin? The father answered Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved The confused girl returned to her mother and said Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys? The mother answered Well dear it is very simple I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard Oh James I like your beard but I would really love to see your handsome face James replied My wife loves this beard I couldn t possibly do it She would kill me Oh please? the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice Really I can t he replied My wife loves this beard The girlfriend asked once more he sighed and finally gave in That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping The wife was awakened turned toward him felt his face and said Oh Michael you shouldn t be here My husband will be home soon

Love your husband when he orders you to make tea or coffee because he wants to feel fresh to listen your nonstop talks Love him if he looks at all the beautiful females because he is just checking that you are still the best ? Love him if he criticises your cooking because he is still improving his taste Love him if he snores at night and disturbs your sleep because he is trying to prove that he is the most relaxed person after being married to you Love him if he forgets to give you a gift on your birthday because he is saving money for your future Love him Because you don t have a choice and killing is a legal offence