Father When you go back to your Mom tonight give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18 this is the last check she`ll ever see from me for child support Then stand back and watch the expression on her face Daughter OK Later that night Daughter Mom Dad asked me to give you this envelope He said to tell you that since I`m now 18 this is the last child support payment he`ll ever have to make to you Now I`m supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face Mother Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he`s not your father Then stand back and watch the expression on his face

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency So one day out on the lake he said to his wife Please take the wheel dear Pretend that I am having a heart attack You must get the boat safely to shore So she drove the boat to shore Later that evening the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television She sat down next to him switched the TV channel and said to him Please go into the kitchen dear Pretend I m having a heart attack You must set the table cook the dinner and wash the dishes

A man came home from work sat down in his favourite chair turned on the TV and said to his wife Quick Bring me a beer before it starts She looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer When he finished it he said Quick Bring me another beer It s gonna start This time she looked a little angry but brought him a beer When it was gone he said Quickly Another beer It s gonna start any second That s it She blows her top You bastard You waltz in here flop your fat ass down don t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave Don t you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long? The husband sighed Oh shit It s started

Saturday morning I got up very early put on my long johns dressed quietly made my lunch slipped quietly into the garage loaded the truck with rifle and stand and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph I pulled back into the garage turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day I went back into the house quietly undressed and slipped back into bed There I cuddled up to my wife s back now with a different anticipation and whispered The weather out there is terrible She sleepily replied Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that shit?

Standing at the edge of the lake a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water Unable to swim the man started to scream for help A trout fisherman ran up The man said My wife is drowning and I can`t swim Please save her I ll give you a hundred dollars The fisherman dove into the water In ten powerful strokes he reached the woman put his arm around her and swam back to shore Depositing her at the feet of the man the fisherman said Okay where`s my hundred? The man said Look when I saw her going down for the third time I thought it was my wife But this is my mother- in-law The fisherman reached into his pocket and said Just my luck How much do I owe you?

1) Once all villages decided to pray for rain on the day of prayer all the people gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella - That s Faith 2) When you throw a baby in the air she laughs because she knows you will catch her - That s Trust 3) Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarm to wake up - That s Hope 4) We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future or having any certainty of uncertainties - That s Confidence 5) We see the world suffering We know there is a possibility of same or similar things happening to us But still we get married - That s Over Confidence

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter s birthday and he hadn t bought her a present He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager How much is that new Barbie in the window? The Manager replied Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for 19 95 Barbie goes to the Ball for 19 95 Barbie goes shopping for 19 95 Barbie goes to the beach for 19 95 Barbie goes to the Nightclub for 19 95 and Divorced Barbie for 375 00 Why is the Divorced Barbie 375 00 when all the others are 19 95? Dad asked surprised Divorced Barbie comes with Ken s car Ken s House Ken s boat Ken s dog Ken s cat and Ken s furniture

Two mothers met for coffee one morning and the conversation naturally turned to their kids Well Martina how are your kids? asks Jessica To tell you the truth says Martina my George has married a witch She doesn t get out of bed until 11 She s out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what and when he gets home exhausted does she have a nice hot dinner for him? NO She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant Hmmm and how is your daughter? Jessica asks Ah says Martina Cathy has married a saint He brings her breakfast in bed he gives her enough money to buy all she needs and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice fancy restaurant

A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide The pharmacist said Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband The pharmacists eyes got big and he said Lord have mercy - I can t give you cyanide to kill your husband That s against the law I ll lose my license they ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen Absolutely not You can NOT have any cyanide The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist s wife The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied Well now You didn t tell me you had a prescription

A woman of 40 wants to get married but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin After several unsuccessful years of searching she decides to take out a personal ad She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback They end up getting married On their wedding night she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities When she returns to the bedroom she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner What happened? she asks I`ve never been with a woman he says but if it`s anything like a kangaroo I`m gonna need all the room I can get

Husband: Honey I ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion So could you please pack enough clothes for a week set out my rod fishing box We re leaving from office I ll swing by the house to pick my things Oh Please pack my new blue silk pajamas The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said The following Weekend he came home a little tired but looking good The wife welcomed him and asked if he caught many fish? He said Yes Lots of Salmon Blue gill and a few Swordfish But why didn t u pack my blue silk pajamas? I did They re in your fishing box

Man: I lost my wife Inspector: What is her height? Man: I never noticed Inspector: Slim or healthy?Man: Not slim can be healthy Inspector: Colour of the eyes? Man: Never noticed Inspector: Colour of hair? Man: Changes according to season Inspector: What was she wearing? Man: Saree/suit I don t remember exactly Inspector: Was somebody with her??? Man: Yes my Labrador dog Romeo tied with a golden chain height 30 inches healthy brown eyes blackish brown hair his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls he likes non-veg food we eat together we jog together And the man started crying Inspector: Let s search for the dog first

The female brain works on a different tangent than male Last night I was sitting in the living room talking to my wife about life In-between we talked about the idea of living or dying I told her Never let me live in a vegetative state totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive I d much rather die My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV DVD then the Computer the Cell Phone the iPod and the Xbox and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky rum gin vodka and the beer from the fridge

A guy is speeding down a highway and he gets pulled over The cop says You were speeding The guy says No I wasn`t I was just going slow The guy`s wife in the Passenger seat says No officer He was speeding the whole time The guy glares at his wife and says Shut up The cop says I see your seat belt is off May I ask why? The guy says Well I saw you were gonna pull me over and you were gonna ask for my license so I took it off and got it out The guy`s wife says No officer He has had the seat belt off the whole time The guy says to his wife What is wrong with you? The cop leans over to the wife and asks Is he always this mean to you? The wife says Only when he`s drunk

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception Although this was an innocent gesture he decided not to mention it to his wife who tended to get jealous easily The next night the man and his wife were driving to a res- taurant Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat Not wanting to be conspicuous he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car With a sigh of relief he pulled into the restaurant parking lot That s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat Honey she asked have you seen my other shoe?