A woman went shopping At cash counter she opened her purse to pay The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse He couldn t control his curiosity and asked Do you always carry your TV remote with you? She replied No not always but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today The story continues The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items that lady had purchased Shocked at this act she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing He said your husband has blocked your credit card MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband Story continues Wife took out his husband s credit card from purse and uses it to clear all the bills Unfortunately he didn t block his own card Moral: Don t underestimate the power of a WIFE

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married His father was happy for him He asked his son who the girl was and he told him that it was Pamela a girl from the neighborhood With a sad face the old man said to his son I m sorry to say this son but I have to The girl you want to marry is your sister but please don t tell your mother The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same So he decides to go to his mother Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love dad said they are my sisters and I mustn t tell you His mother smiling said to him Don t worry my son you can marry any of those girls You re not his son

One night a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner: Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? Husband: Definitely not Wife: Why not - don t you like being married? Husband: Of course I do Wife: Then why wouldn t you remarry? Husband: Okay I d get married again Wife: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) Husband: (makes audible groan) Wife: Would you sleep with her in our bed? Husband: Where else would we sleep? Wife: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her? Husband: That would seem like the proper thing to do Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs? Husband: She can t use them; she s left-handed Wife: - - - silence - - - Husband: shit shit shit

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed In the dark stillness of the house she could hear a muffled sound downstairs She got out of bed cautiously went downstairs and looked all around still not finding her husband Listening again she could definitely hear moaning She opened the door to the cellar and went down to the steps to find her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall crying She asked him What`s wrong with you? He replied Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years Baffled she said Yes The husband bawled I would have been released from prison today

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says You know I don t know what else to do Whenever I go home after we ve been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway I shut off the engine and coast into the garage I take my shoes off before I go into the house I sneak up the stairs I get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late His buddy looks at him and says Well you re obviously taking the wrong approach I screech into the driveway slam the door storm up the steps throw my shoes into the closet jump into bed rub my hands on my wife s butt and say How about a little ? and she pretends that she s asleep

Fred is 34 years old and he is still single One day a friend asked Why aren t you married? Can t you find a woman who will be a good wife? Fred replied Actually I ve found many women that I have wanted to marry but when I bring them home to meet my parents my mother doesn t like them His friend thinks for a moment and says I ve got the perfect solution just find a girl who s just like your mother A few months later they meet again and his friend says Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her? With a frown on his face Fred answers Yes I found the perfect girl She was just like my mother You were right my mother liked her very much The friend said Then what s the problem? Fred replied My father doesn t like he

The young salesman finally plucked up the courage to tell his fiancee that he was breaking off their engagement so that he could marry another woman Can she cook like I can? asked the distraught fiancee Not even on her best day replied the salesman Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do? No she s broke the salesman said in agreement Well then is this all about relations ? cried out the devastated woman No nobody does it like you babe assured the salesman Then what is it? she screamed What can she do that I can t ? The salesman sighed took a deep breath looked his ex-fiancee straight in the eyes and said She can sue me for child support And then it hit him the four slice toaster he had bought for her the previous birthday

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend You see he explained my wife`s expecting Oh said the Officer I understand Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: My wife`s expecting The Officer looked surprised Still expecting? he said Well well my boy you must be pretty bothered Of course you can have the week-end off When the same soldier appeared again the third week however the Officer lost his temper Don`t tell me your wife is still expecting he bellowed Yes sir said the soldier resolutely She`s still expecting What in heaven is she expecting? cried the Officer Me said the soldier simply

The new wife was being welcomed at the husband s home in a traditional manner As expected she gave a speech: My dear family I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family she said Firstly my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life your routine No I will never do that never in a million years What do you mean my child? Asked the father in law What I mean dad is (looking at her father in law): Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it Those who cooked shouldn t stop at my account and those who used to Clean should continue cleaning Then what are you here for? Asked the mother in law As for me my job is to entertain your son

An elderly couple was driving across the country While the woman was behind the wheel the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol Ma am did you know you were speeding? the cop said The woman hard of hearing turned to her husband and asked What did he say? He said you were speeding the old man yelled The cop then asked May I see your license? The woman turned to her husband again What did he say? The old man yelled back He wants to see your license The woman then gave the cop her license I see you are from Hoshairpur the cop said I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I ve ever seen The woman turned to her husband again and asked What did he say? The old man replied He said he knows you

A woman goes to the doctor and she’s beaten black and blue Doctor: “What happened?” Woman Doctor I don t know what to do Every time my boyfriend comes home drunk he knocks lumps out of me Doctor I think I might have a cure for that When your boyfriend comes home drunk just take a mug of tea and start swishing it around in your mouth but don t swallow it Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to his bed Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor no sign of bruising whatsoever Woman Doctor that was a brilliant idea Every time my boyfriend came home drunk I swished with the tea I just swished and swished like washing machine and he didn t touch me Doctor See how much keeping your fuckin mouth shut helps?

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but unfortunately the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised When his young wife came to see him the old man said Sweetheart your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me You will have an income of 250 000 a year my home in Palm Springs my ranch in Texas my Mercedes You ll never need to worry about money Oh sweetheart please don t talk that way his young wife exclaimed You ve been so good to me already If you go I ll be devastated Oh there must be something I can do to help you Please tell me what I can do? Well the old man gasped you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but unfortunately the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised When his young wife came to see him the old man said Sweetheart your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me You will have an income of 250 000 a year my home in Palm Springs my ranch in Texas my Mercedes You ll never need to worry about money Oh sweetheart please don t talk that way his young wife exclaimed You ve been so good to me already If you go I ll be devastated Oh there must be something I can do to help you Please tell me what I can do? Well the old man gasped you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband Suddenly her husband burst into the Kitchen Careful Careful Put in some more butter Oh my GOD You re cooking too many at once TOO MANY Turn them TURN THEM NOW We need more butter Oh my GOD WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They re going to STICK Careful CAREFUL I said be CAREFUL You NEVER listen to me when you re cooking Never Turn them Hurry up Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don t forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them Use the salt USE THE SALT THE SALT The wife stared at him What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don t know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband calmly replied I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving

A guy dials his home phone from work A strange woman answers The guy says Who is this? This is the maid answered the woman We don t have a maid I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house Well this is her husband Is she there? Um she s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband The guy is fuming He says to the maid Listen would you like to make 25 000 bucks? What do I have to do? I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with The maid puts down the phone The guy hears footsteps followed by two gunshots The maid comes back to the phone What should I do with the bodies? Throw them in the swimming pool What There s no pool here? Uh is this 2263841?