A New York City hotel sent thank-you letters to each of twelve hundred former guests for staying in the past several months The problem was that they chose the wrong computerized mailing list The thank-you letter was sent out to fifteen hundred people who had not stayed at that particular hotel One of the hotel managers discovered this mistake when the hotel switchboard started lighting up The hotel was swamped with calls Every line was ringing On one line there was a pregnant woman tearfully saying that her husband didn t believe the baby was his He thought it was produced at her big night at the hotel without him Many other spouses called to say they now knew what their significant other was really doing on their long lunches and after work meetings The hotel manager commented in a sarcastic manner Husbands and wives don t trust each other much these days

Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing He gets up early makes his lunch hooks up his boat and off he goes all day long So one Saturday morning he gets up early dresses quietly makes his lunch puts on his long johns grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down in a torrential downpour There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 miles per hour inutes later he returns to the garage He comes back into the house and turns the TV to check the weather forecast He finds it s going to be bad weather all day long so he puts his boat back in the garage quietly undresses and slips back into bed There he cuddles up to his wife s back and whispers The weather out there is terrible To which she sleepily replies I know can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore His wife fluttered about him pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more Have a nice soak in the bath and I ll bring you a drink she suggested smiling Good idea says the husband looking forward to being waited on He s in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily If there s anything else you d like just call says the wife as she leaves the bathroom When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath A few minutes later despite it being a very warm Summer s evening the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer What the heck is that for? asks the husband snappily Oh Darling says the wife flustered I thought I heard you say Whataboutahottawaterbottle

Two guys were talking at work I ve got a problem said the first one What is it? My wife has done it to me again I m supposed to buy my mother-in- law a present for her birthday from the two of us And I am fresh out of ideas I mean it s HER mother why can t she buy it? What did you buy her last year? the other one asked Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot Hmmmm… hard to top that one said the other The two guys couldn t come up with anything So the son-in-law didn t buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday When the big day arrived the next weekend she was a bit upset At the family gathering for her birthday she announced out loud to everyone Thank you all for the wonderful gifts Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren t so thoughtful Thinking quickly the son-in-law responded Well you haven t used the gift I gave you last yea

Joe walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says Perfect timing You re just like Bryan Who? Bryan Smith There s a guy who did everything right Like my coming along when you needed a cab It would have happened like that to Bryan There are always a few clouds over everybody says Joe Not Bryan He was a terrific athlete He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis He could golf with the pros He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star He was something huh? He had a memory like a trap Could remember everybody s birthday He knew all about wine which fork to eat with He could fix anything Not like me I change a fuse and I black out the whole neighborhood No wonder you remember him Well I never actually met Bryan Then how do you know so much about him? asks Joe Because I married his widow

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter-in-law arrives in the family everything changes The new wife (progressive Indian woman) was being welcomed at the husband s home in a traditional manner As expected she gave a speech My dear family I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family firstly my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life your routine No I will never do that never in a million years What do you mean my child? asked the father-in-law What I mean dad is (looking at her in-laws); Those who used to wash the dishes must carry on washing them Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it Those who cooked should not stop at my account AND Those who used to clean should continue cleaning And what are you here for Bahurani? enquired the mother-in-law AS FOR ME I M HERE JUST TO ENTERTAIN YOUR SON

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked What are the grounds for your divorce? She replied About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by No he said I mean what is the foundation of this case? It is made of concrete brick and mortar she responded I mean he continued What are your relations like? I have an aunt and uncle living here in town and so do my husband s parents He said Do you have a real grudge? No she replied We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one Please he tried again does your husband ever beat you up? Yes she responded about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do Finally in frustration the judge asked Lady why do you want a divorce? Oh I don t want a divorce she replied I ve never wanted a divorce My husband does He said he can t communicate with me

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon When they got back the bride immediately called her mother Well how was the honeymoon? asked the mother Oh mama she replied the honeymoon was wonderful So romantic Suddenly she burst out crying But mama as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language He`s been saying things I`ve never heard before All these awful 4-letter words You`ve got to come get me and take me home please mama Sarah Sarah her mother said calm down Tell me what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using? Please don`t make me tell you mama wept the daughter I`m so embarrassed They`re just too awful You`ve got to come get me and take me home please mama Darling baby you must tell me what has you so upset Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words Still sobbing the bride replied Oh mama words like dust wash iron and cook

Phil had always been a prankster As each of his friends were married Phil made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them Now ready to be married himself he was dreading the payback he knew was coming Surprisingly the ceremony went off without a hitch No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason why this couple should not be married His reception wasn t disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order When the newl-wed pair arrived at their hotel and entered the room Phil even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved) Nothing it seemed was amiss Amazed that he had come away unscathed the couple fell into bed Upon waking the couple was ravenous so Phil called down to room service and asked I d like to order breakfast for two At that moment a soft voice from under the bed said Make that five

It is a known fact that all daughters-in-law have problems with their mother-in-law Anyway One day the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly done wrong A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic The mothers-in-law were all in one bus which was the first to leave On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-on-law died The daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular was more heart broken than the rest Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them But still she cried Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her Why are you crying so much? Was your mother-in-law that special? The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied No she missed the bus

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough Dad what are you talking about? the son screams We can t stand the sight of each other any longer the father says We re sick of each other and I m sick of talking about this so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her Frantically the son calls his sister who explodes on the phone Like hell they re getting divorced she shouts I ll take care of this She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father You are NOT getting divorced Don t do a single thing until I get there I m calling my brother back and we ll both be there tomorrow Until then don t do a thing DO YOU HEAR ME? and hangs up The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife Done They re coming for Christmas - and they re paying their own way

A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors Walking down the dismal echoing corridors the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls he told the doctor The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window This is a sad case said the doctor The patient rocked back and forth on her cot sobbing and sighing Peter she repeated over and over Oh Peter She was to marry a man named Peter said the doctor And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman It broke her heart and she went mad They moved on to another door and looked in Inside the patient was bound in a straightjacket shrieking insanely Peter Peter Let me guess said the minister She lost Peter also No answered the man She s the one that got him

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time and caught a judge just as he was about to leave and asked him to marry them He asked if they had a license and when they didn`t sent them off to get one They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up and got the license from him When they got back to the judge he pointed out that they had filled the names in backwards- his where hers belonged and vice versa They rushed back to the clerk`s office caught him again and got another license This time the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format Again they catch the clerk After five reissued licenses the judge is finally satisfied Judge: I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back If there are irregularities in the license your marriage would not be legal and any children you might have would be technical bastards Groom That`s funny- that`s just what the clerk called you

A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors Walking down the dismal echoing corridors the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls he told his guide The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window This is a sad case said the man The patient rocked back and forth on her cot sobbing and sighing William she repeated over and over Oh William She was to marry a man named William said the doctor And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman It broke her heart and she went mad They moved on to another door and looked in Inside the patient was bound in a straight-jacket shrieking insanely William William Let me guess said the minister She lost William also No answered the man She s the one that got him

A man is speeding down the freeway when he`s stopped by a police car and has to pull over Do you realize you were doing 90 m p h in a 60 m p h zone sir? asks the policeman That`s impossible sir I never break the speed limit replies the driver The driver`s wife butts in and says Yes you do I`m always telling you to keep your speed down The policeman says I also noticed sir that you didn’t have your seat belt on You put it on as I was walking up to your car That is not true sir; I always wear my seat belt replies the driver No you don’t I`m always telling you to put your seat belt on says the driver’s wife Dammit woman the driver explodes Can’t you just for once keep that big fat trap of yours shut? The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife so he moves around to her side of the car Does he often speak to you like this madam? Oh no officer she says only when he`s drunk