A man decided to change his life and for a start he took up the easiest - drinking He got so drunk with whisky and his breath had such a foul stench as if a whole herd of mammoths had spent the night in his mouth It felt good to be blind drunk but the time came for him to go home and his wife was quite quick-tempered She always knew when he was drunk even if he was three blocks away from their house and did not let him in This is why the drunken man decided to use his cunning and break in the house He rang the bell for a long time and an angry voice hissed from within: Who is it? The man leaned on the door and said tenderly: I bring roses for the most beautiful woman in the world Upon hearing that his wife was so moved that decided to open the door She opened it and took a close look at her husband Imagine her surprise when she saw neither roses nor hyacinths in his hands Where are the roses for the most beautiful woman in the world you bastard? the woman roared The man slouched towards her and murmured And where is the most beautiful woman in the world?

A Mother-in-law decides to see if her three son-in-law s love her or at least appreciate her The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown Without hesitation the son-in-law jumps in the river and saves his mother-in-law The next day in front of his house he finds a new car a City Honda with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law She undertakes the same scenario with her second eldest son-in-law This one too dives into the river and saves his mother-in-law The next day he too in front of his house finds a new car: the same City Honda with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law The same scenario occurs with the third son-in-law she falls in the water and starts to drown He watches his mother-in-law drown while thinking to himself: I ve been waiting a long time for this The next day in front of his house he sees a brand new Mercedez with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your father-in-law

एक बार एक पति ने अपनी पत्नी से मसखरी करने के इरादे से कहा कल मेरे ख्वाब में एक लड़की आई थी वाह! क्या लड़की थी। पत्नी: अकेली ही आयी होगी? पति: तुमको कैसे पता? पत्नी: उसका पति मेरे ख्वाब में आया था।

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect At the very last minute she realized that she didn t have any snails for the dinner party so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails Very grudgingly he agreed He took the bucket walked out the door down the steps to the beach As he was collecting the snails he ran into a couple of old friends and began to yuck it up and he soon forgot about his wife’s party It was well past 10 when he remembered Oh no My wife s dinner party He grabbed his bucket and ran down the beach all the way to his apartment He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs he dropped the bucket of snails There were snails all down the stairs The door opened just then with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he s been all this time He looked at the snails all down the steps then he looked at her then back at the snails and said Come on guys we re almost there

A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live Of course Darling she replied And so they have sex Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and says you know I only have 20 hours to live do you think we could do it again? Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex Another 8 hours pass and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion he taps her on the shoulder and asks her again You know dear I only have 12 more hours left how about again for old times sake? By this time she is getting a little annoyed but reluctantly agrees After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later he taps her on the shoulder again and says Dear I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die can we do it one more time? Well she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says You know you don t have to get up in the morning but I do

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other When they had a confrontation screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket After the burial the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said Let the jerk dig I had him buried upside down

Sometime after Sidney died his widow Tillie was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been Sidney thought of everything she told them Just before he died Sidney called me to his bedside He handed me three envelopes Tillie he told me I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes After I am dead please open them and do exactly as I have instructed Then I can rest in peace What was in the envelopes? her friends asked The first envelope contained 5 000 with a note Please use this money to buy a nice casket So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably The second envelope contained 10 000 with a note Please use this for a nice funeral I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending And the third envelope? asked her friends The third envelope contained 25 000 with a note Please use this to buy a nice stone Holding her hand in the air Tillie said So do you like my stone? showing off her ten carat diamond ring

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error He got the car and started sending it on errands He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes One day he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired The man agreed and said to the car Car go and bring my children from school The car went and didn t return in time as expected they knew something must be wrong Several hours later and no car the man became apprehensive He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children The car parked right in front of them and said These are your children sir In the car were their Landlady s two daughters their choir mistress s two sons his wife s best friend s daughter their pastor s son and their neighbours two sons The Wife said Don t tell me all these are your children ? The man asked her calmly an you first tell me why our children are not in the car?

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other When they had a confrontation screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket After the burial the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said let the old bastard dig I had him buried upside down

एक बार एक पति शराब पीकर घर आता है और अपनी पत्‍‌नी की डांट से बचने के लिए किताब पढ़ने का नाटक करने लगता है! पत्‍‌नी- आज फिर शराब पीकर आये हो? पति- न.नहीं तो! पत्‍‌नी- तो फिर ये सूटकेस खोलकर क्या कर रहे हो?

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church One Sunday after the service the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated given the size of the congregation He took Charlie aside and questioned him Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings So the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional which he did The priest then asked him again Charlie did you take any of the offering? This time Charlie replied I can t hear you The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply I can t hear you Finally the priest yelled CHARLIE DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING? Again the reply was I can t hear you The priest was now beginning to get angry so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie Trade places with me and you can ask me a question So they traded places and Charlie asked Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair? To which the priest replied By golly you can t hear in here

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away The second man had married a woman from France He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning all the dishes and the cooking He told them that the first day he didn t see any results but the next day it was better By the third day his house was clean the dishes were done and he had a delicious dinner on the table The third man had married an Irish girl He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned the dishes washed the cooking done and the laundry washed And this was all entirely her responsibility He said the first day he didn t see anything and the second day he didn t see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye

एक बार एक बहू अपनी सास के पास जाती है और कहती है माँ जी कल रात मेरा उनसे झगड़ा हो गया। सास: कोई बात नहीं। ये तो हर पति पत्‍नी में होता रहता है। बहू: वो तो मुझे भी पता है पर ये बताइये अब लाश का क्‍या करना है।

If you work too hard there is never any time for her If you don t work enough you re a good-for-nothing bum If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay it s exploitation If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay you should get off your butt and find something better If you get a promotion ahead of her it s favoritism If she gets a job ahead of you it s equal opportunity If you mention how nice she looks it s sexual harassment If you keep quiet it s male indifference If you cry you re a wimp If you don t you re insensitive If you make a decision without consulting her you re a control freak If she makes a decision without consulting you she s a liberated woman If you ask her to do something she doesn t enjoy that s manipulation If she asks you it s a favor If you try to keep yourself in shape you re self-centered If you don t you re a slob If you buy her flowers you re after something If you don t you re not thoughtful If you re proud of your achievements you re an egotist If you re not you re not ambitious If she has a headache she s tired If you have a headache you don t love her anymore

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down I was looking for my keys They were not in my pockets A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car Frantically I headed for the parking lot My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them Her theory is that the car will be stolen As I burst through the door I came to a terrifying conclusion - Her theory was right The parking lot was empty so I immediately called the police I gave them my location confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen Then I made the most difficult call of all Honey I stammered; I always call her honey in times like these I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen There was a period of silence I thought the call had been dropped but then I heard her voice Idiot she barked I dropped you off Now it was my time to be silent Embarrassed I said Well come and get me She retorted I will as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your ca