In a recovery room a man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery His wife was sitting by his side holding his hand His eyelids just opened for a few seconds He looked at his wife as if he was returning from out of body experience hallowed by bright white light With a broken smile and in a groggy voice he mumbled at his wife You are so beautiful Then he fell asleep and started snoring again waking up other recovering room surgery patients and annoying nurses His wife had never seen him so ugly and yet so romantic So she suppressed all her disgust of environment held his hand tighter and chose to stuck there for a while After a while the man opens his eyelids again but wider and for longer time He loves the comfort of his wife and says You are cute The wife was disgusted threw his hand on the bed and demanded an explanation It was beautiful last time and how it is cute this time What happened to my beauty? The man answered Honey I am recovering to reality from the influence of Anesthesia

BEFORE: You take my breath away AFTER: I feel like I m suffocating BEFORE: She says she loves the way I take control of the situation AFTER: She called me a controlling manipulative egomaniac BEFORE: He makes me feel like a million dollars AFTER: If I had a dime for every stupid thing he s done BEFORE: The Sound of Music AFTER: The Sound of Silence BEFORE: It s like I m in a dream AFTER: It s like he s in a dorm BEFORE: We agree on everything AFTER: Doesn t she have a mind of her own? BEFORE: Charming and Noble AFTER: Chernobyl BEFORE: Ideal AFTER: Idle BEFORE: I love a woman with curves AFTER: I never said you were fat BEFORE: He s completely lost without me AFTER: Why won t he ever ask for directions? BEFORE: Time stood still AFTER: This relationship is going nowhere BEFORE: Blind AFTER: Nearsighted BEFORE: You look so seductive in black AFTER: Your clothes are so depressing BEFORE: I can hardly believe we found each other AFTER: I can t believe I ended up with someone like you

The FEMALE always makes THE RULES THE RULES are subject to change without prior notice No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES If the FEMALE suspects the MALE to know all THE RULES She must immediately change some or all THE RULES The Female is never wrong If the female is wrong it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said The male must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time The MALE must remain calm at all times Unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset The MALE is expected to mind read at all times The MALE who does not abide by THE RULES can not take the heat lacks backbone is a wimp Any attempt to document the RULES could result in bodily harm If the FEMALE has P M S all THE RULES may be null and void The FEMALE is ready when she is ready The MALE must be ready at all times

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph The husband is behind the wheel His wife looks over at him and says Honey I know we ve been married for 15 years but I want a divorce The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph She then says I don t want you to try to talk me out of it because I ve been having an affair with your best friend and he s a better lover than you Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels She says I want the house Again the husband speeds up and now is doing 70 mph She says I want the kids too The husband just keeps driving faster and faster until he s up to 80 mph She says I want the car the checking account and all the credit cards too The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling as she says Is there anything you want? The husband says No I ve got everything I need right here She asks What s that? The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph I ve got the airbag

A man`s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes So he walks down to the store only to find it closed So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment After they`ve had their fun he realizes its 3 AM and says Oh no its so late my wife`s going to kill me Have you got any talcum powder? She gives him some talcum powder which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad Where the heck have you been? ? Well honey its like this I went to the store like you asked but they were closed So I went to the bar to use the vending machine I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her ``Oh yeah? Let me see your hands She sees his hands are covered with powder and You damn liar You went bowling again

During the wedding rehearsal the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer Look I’ll give you 100 if you’ll change the wedding vows When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever ’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out He passed the minister a 100 bill and walked away satisfied On the day of the wedding when it came time for the groom’s vows the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her obey her every command and wish serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman as long as you both shall live? The groom gulped and looked around and said in a tiny voice Yes then leaned toward the pastor and hissed I thought we had a deal The pastor put a 100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered She made me a better offe

At an international women s conference the topic for discussion was: How to empower women in the home The first speaker was the British representative She stood up and said I decided to make a stand against my husband s oppression and so I told him that I would no longer be doing the washing After the first day I saw no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he did his own washing The delegates applauded this brave stand for women s rights The second speaker was from America She stood up and said I told my husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement After the first day I saw no result after the second day I saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of us Again the conference applauded Next came the Australian delegate She said I told my husband that I would no longer be doing the shopping After the first day I saw nothing after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked What are the grounds for your divorce? She replied About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by No he said I mean what is the foundation of this case? It is made of concrete brick and mortar she responded I mean he continued What are your relations like? I have an aunt and uncle living here in town and so do my husband s parents He said Do you have a real grudge? No she replied We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one Please he tried again is there any infidelity in your marriage? Yes both my son and daughter have stereo sets We don t necessarily like the music but the answer to your questions is yes Ma am does your husband ever beat you up? Yes she responded about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do Finally in frustration the judge asked Lady why do you want a divorce? Oh I don t want a divorce she replied I ve never wanted a divorce My husband does He said he can t communicate with me

The Fifa World Cup is close by Let me give you a few rules that will preserve your beauty 1 The remote control belongs to me for the whole month 2 Tell all your friends not to givev birth or wed or die or wateva during the World Cup coz we won t go 3 No talking during the game wait for half-time or end of the game 4 Repeats highlights are as good as the main match so am gonna watch them too 5 We can watch STAR PLUS provided actors and actresses are wearing soccer jerseys and they are in Brazil 6 You don t just pass infront of the TV if am watching soccer you better crawl on the floor 7 Make sure you don t ask silly questions such as; is this Chelsea versus England? 8 No funny faces to my friends when they come for soccer 9 There shall be no comments about Cristiano Ronaldo s looks Professinalism shall remain an absolute part of the WC 10 If you miss the line up please dont ask Who s that guy? 11 Ronaldo the Brazilian and Ronaldo the Portuguese are not related India and Pakistan did not qualify so please no stupid questions Thank you

A lady was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner She took out her wallet got out ten dollars and asked If I give you this money will you buy wine with it instead of dinner? No I had to stop drinking years ago the homeless woman told her Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food? the lady asked No I don t waste time shopping the homeless woman said I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food? Are you NUTS replied the homeless woman I haven t had my hair done in 20 years Well I m not going to give you the money Instead I m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight The homeless Woman was shocked Won t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I m dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting The lady said That s okay It s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping hair appointments and wine

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family Since this was a new home the process took some time The silver went into the closet items were put on the walls for display and some of the most intimate apparels were put in the bedroom drawers A week later they received a mail carrying two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this Inside the envelope however was only a piece of paper with a single line Guess who sent them The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort They went to the theatre and had a wonderful time On their return home late at night still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host they found the house stripped of every article of value And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets Now you know

A couple watching an IPL match on the TV together After five minutes: Wife: Is that Bret Lee? Husband: No He is Chris Gayle Bret Lee is the bowler Wife: Bret Lee is smart He should be in the movies like his brother Husband: He does not have an actor brother Wife: What about Bruce Lee? Husband: No no Bret Lee is an Australian Wife: OK Look Another wicket in just two minutes Husband: No It is called action replay Wife: Looks like India is going to win this one Husband: It is not India It is Bangalore vs Kolkatta Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a helicopter Husband: He is not calling for a helicopter It s a free hit Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a Free Hit? Wife: Now whom is he saying HI to? Husband: He is signalling a Bye Wife: Why is he saying Bye Is the game over? Wife: How many runs to win? Husband: 72 in 36 balls Wife: Ah That is easy Just 2 runs in 1 ball Frustrated husband turns off the TV Wife turns it on and watches Saraswasti Chandra Husband: Who is this Saraswati Chandra? Wife: Don t you dare disturb me

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family Since this was a new home the process took some time The silver went into the closet items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers A week later they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this Inside the envelope however was only a small piece of paper with a single line: Guess who sent them The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort They went to the theatre and had a wonderful time On their return home late at night still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host they found the house stripped of every article of value And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: Well now you know

A man decided to change his life and for a start he took up the easiest - drinking He got so drunk with whisky and his breath had such a foul stench as if a whole herd of mammoths had spent the night in his mouth It felt good to be blind drunk but the time came for him to go home and his wife was quite quick-tempered She always knew when he was drunk even if he was three blocks away from their house and did not let him in This is why the drunken man decided to use his cunning and break in the house He rang the bell for a long time and an angry voice hissed from within Who is it? The man leaned on the door and said tenderly I bring roses for the most beautiful woman in the world Upon hearing that his wife was so moved that decided to open the door She opened it and took a close look at her husband Imagine her surprise when she saw neither roses nor hyacinths in his hands Where are the roses for the most beautiful woman in the world you bastard? the woman roared The man slouched towards her and murmured And where is the most beautiful woman in the world?

Sometime after a man died his widow was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been He thought of everything she told them Just before he died he called me to his bedside He handed me three envelopes `Honey ` he told me `I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes After I am dead please open them and do exactly as I have instructed Then I can rest in peace ` What was in the envelopes? her friends asked The first envelope contained 5 000 with a note `Please use this money to buy a nice casket ` So I bought a beautiful casket with such a comfortable lining that I know he is resting very comfortably The second envelope contained 10 000 with a note `Please use this for a nice funeral ` I arranged him a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending And the third envelope? asked her friends The third envelope contained 25 000 with a note `Please use this to buy a nice stone ` Holding her hand in the air and showing off her diamond ring she said So do you like my stone?