Shayari Bazar

An older tired-looking dog wandered into my yard I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head He then followed me into my house slowly walked down the hall curled up in the corner and fell asleep An hour later he went to the door and I let him out The next day he was back greeted me in my yard walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour This continued off and on for several weeks Curious I pinned a note to his collar: I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap The next day he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to his collar: He lives in a home with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife he s trying to catch up on his sleep Can I come with him tomorrow? Thanks

A man went to meet his father in law to be and was chewing gum The father in law shouted at him in a harsh voice Father-in-law: Young man you re coming to seek my daughter s hand in marriage and you re chewing gum That s a sign of disrespect Man: Sir I only chew gum when I drink or smoke Father-in-law: You mean you drink and smoke and you re here to seek my daughter s hand in marriage? Man: Sir I only drink and smoke when I go to the club Father-in-law: You club too? Man: I m sorry sir I started clubbing when I came out of prison Father-in-law: You ve also been to prison before? Oh my God Man: Sorry sir I went to jail when I killed someone Father-in-law: What You re a killer? Man: Sir I was angry because a certain man didn t allow me to marry his daughter so I killed him Father-in-law: Oh Okay You know what? You re highly welcome my son You are on the right track You re absolutely the right Man for my daughter Welcome to the family

During the weeks before Brenda s wedding she was terribly anxious about making mistakes at the ceremony The minister reassured her several times pointing out that the service was not difficult and that she would do just fine All you have to remember he said is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN then we shall get on with the ceremony All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can t go wrong The happy day finally arrived and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear When she arrived and stood alongside him he heard her quietly repeating to herself Aisle altar hymn aisle altar hymn At that very moment the bridegroom realized that his friends who had warned him about marriage were correct as her thoughts which he could now hear quite clearly - I ll alter him I ll alter him

The untold rules for Men: 1 The female always makes the rules 2 The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification 3 No male can possibly know all the rules 4 If the female suspects the male knows all the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules 5 The female is never wrong 6 If the female is wrong it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong 7 If Rule 6 applies the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding 8 The female can change her mind at any given point in time 9 The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female 10 The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time 11 The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry or upset 12 The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset

An older tired-looking dog wandered into my yard I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of He calmly came over to me I gave him a few pats on his head He then followed me into my house slowly walked down the hall curled up in the corner and fell asleep An hour later he went to the door and I let him out The next day he was back greeted me in my yard walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour This continued off and on for several weeks Curious I pinned a note to his collar: I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap The next day he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to his collar: He lives in a home with non stopping chatting wife 6 children 2 under the age of 3 - he s trying to catch up on his sleep Can I come with him tomorrow?

Two Women chatting in office Woman 1: I had a fine evening how was yours? Woman 2: It was a disaster My husband came home ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep How was yours ? Woman 1: Oh it was amazing My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner After dinner we walked for an hour When we came home he lit the candles around the house It was like a fairy tale At the same time their husbands are talking at work Husband 1: How was your evening ? Husband 2: Great I came home dinner was on the table I ate and fell asleep What about you ? Husband 1: It was horrible I came home there s no dinner they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that i didn t had money left for a cab We walked home which took an hour and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house Moral: Presentation does matter No matter what the reality is

A young couple were on their honeymoon The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself Now how can I tell my wife that I`ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I`ve managed to keep it from her while we were dating but she`s bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink Now how do I tell her? Meanwhile the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself Now how do I tell my husband that I`ve got really bad breath? I`ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting but as soon as he`s lived with me for a week he`s bound to find out Now how do I tell him gently? The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom He walks over to the bed climbs over to his wife puts his arm around her neck moves his face very close to hers and says Darling I`ve a confession to make And she says So have I love To which he replies Don`t tell me you`ve eaten my socks

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week had all the information that he needed on the other man The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S O B come onto the scene Being a man of the 90 s and all he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner He sent the following e-mail to his wife s lover: Sir It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next The other man was highly amused by the husband s formal manner and sent the following reply: Dear Sir I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office s auditorium

Husband: Mom called me and she is coming tomorrow her train will reach by 4 O Clock Wife: What She came just 4 months back right? Why is she coming now? Tomorrow is Sunday I thought of getting up late but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4:00 o clock Where will she get an auto at that time? I will not make any warm breakfast she will have to do with biscuits and bread The kids will also not go to play as she spoils them by getting chocolates toffees and pastries for them For how many days is she going to stay? Husband: Not my mom your mom is coming Wife: Wow really mom is coming It s been more than 2 months I have seen her Listen na I have the number of the auto driver please ­call him and tell him to reach the station on time tomorrow morning It s good tomorrow is Sunday I will get up early and make breakfast She will get cakes and cookies for the kids and they will play and enjoy with their grandmother Hope she stays for a fortnight

After a few days on the new Earth the Lord called to Adam and said It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her Adam answered Yes Lord but what is a `kiss`? The Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush A few minutes later Adam emerged and said Thank you Lord that was enjoyable And the Lord replied Yes Adam I thought you might enjoy that Now I`d like you to caress Eve And Adam said What is a `caress`? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve Quite a few minutes later Adam returned smiling and said Lord that was even better than the kiss And the Lord said You`ve done well Adam And now I want you to make love to Eve And Adam asked What is `make love` Lord? So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush but this time he re-appeared in two seconds And Adam said Lord what is a `headache`?

Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing One day when he was out in the field Joe s wife brought his lunch to him Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining Suddenly Joe s old mule kicked up his back legs striking her in the head and killing her instantly At the wake Joe s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him he would shake his head from side to side When the wake was over and all the mourners had left the minister approached Joe and asked Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men? Well Joe replied The women all said how nice she looked and her dress was so pretty so I agreed by nodding my head up and down The men all asked Is that mule for sale?

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling They had been at each other s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw When they arrived at the counsellor s office the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion What seems to be the problem? Immediately the husband held his long face down without anything to say In contrast the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage After 15 minutes of listening to the wife the counselor went over to her picked her up by her shoulders kissed her passionately and sat her back down Afterwards the wife sat speechless The marriage counselor looked over at the husband who stared in disbelief The counselor said to the husband Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week The husband scratched his head and replied I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband The women were asked How many of you love your husbands? All the women raised their hands Then they were asked When was the last time you told your husband you loved him? Some women answered today some yesterday some didn t remember The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you sweetheart Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages Here are some of the replies: 1 Eh mother of my children are you sick? 2 What now? Did you crash the car again? 3 I don t understand what you mean? 4 What did you do now? I won t forgive you this time 5 ? ? 6 Don t beat about the bush just tell me how much you need? 7 Am I dreaming? ??????? 8 If you don t tell me who this message is actually for you will die today 9 I asked you not to drink anymore and the best one 10 Who is this?

Jennifer s wedding day was fast approaching Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent s nasty divorce Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever A week later Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father s new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother Jennifer asked her father s new young wife to exchange it but she refused Absolutely not I look like a million bucks in this dress and I m wearing it she replied Jennifer told her mother who graciously said Never mind sweetheart I ll get another dress After all it s your special day A few days later they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother When they stopped for lunch Jennifer asked her mother Aren t you going to return the other dress? You really don t have another occasion where you could wear it Her mother just smiled and replied Of course I do dear I m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding

You ask your wife something and she says Wahan Rakha Hai This Wahan can be either: 1 On the table 2 Or any of th 26 drawers in kitchen 3 Or Antarctica When wife say Woh Laa Do It can be: 1 Her Lipstick 2 Or milk from market 3 Or An AK 56 When wife says Yeh Kya Hai ?? It can be: 1 Your Pyjamas on the floor 2 Or beer 6-pack in fridge 3 Or a Drone flying over Afghanistan When wife says Tumhe Kabhi Kuch Samajh Nahi Aata It can be about: 1 A new mushy WhatsApp message 2 Or Einstein s Theory of Relativity 3 Or her latest spending spree in Mall When wife says Ab Bohut Ho Gaya It can be : 1 The mascara she is putting 2 Or the amount of Anthrax that needs to be put in a Biological Weapon 3 Or the latest spat she had with your mother And when wife says Main Kaisi Lag Rahi Hoon? It s GAME OVER It doesn t have any meaning except confirmed annihilation It just puts you in a fix which Arjun had faced just before the War started in Mahabharata as to whether you should follow Dharma or Karma