A burglar decided to rob the safe in a store On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: Please don t use dynamite The safe is not locked Just turn the knob He did so Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him the entire premises were floodlighted and alarms started clanging As the police carried him out on a stretcher he was heard moaning: My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a 100 bill to his test with a note saying A dollar per point The next class the professor handed the tests back out This student got back his test and 64 change

Yahya Khan trying to persuade a yokel to volunteer for the Pakistani Air force He took him inside the aircraft and explained: You press this yellow button and the engine will start Then you press the red one and the plane will take off It is all very simple But how do I bring the plane down? asked the yokel puzzled You don t have to brother about that explained Yahya Khan Leave that to the Indian Air Force

Mr Peterson a tourist from Toronto arrived in New Delhi In an airport taxi cab Peterson asked the driver Say is this really a healthful place? It sure is the cabbie replied When I came here I couldn t say one word I had hardly any hair on my head I didn t have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed That s wonderful said the tourist How long have you been here? I was born here

Ed Nott was shot and Sam Shott was not So it is better to be Shott than Nott Some say Nott was not shot But Shott says he shot Nott Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot or Nott was shot If the shot Shott shot shot Nott Nott was shot But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott the shot was Shott not Nott However the shot Shott shot shot not Shott - but Nott So Ed Nott was shot and that`s hot Is it not?

A man walked up to a farmer as he came out of a voting booth I m from the CBI What seems to be the trouble? We happen to know that you accepted a bribe and sold your vote That s not true I voted for the candidate because I like him Well that s where we ve got you We have concrete evidence you accepted Rupees 10000 from him Well it s plain common sense If someone gives you 10000 bucks you re going to like him

After ordering a milkshake a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to make a telephone call Since he didn t want anyone to take his drink he took a paper napkin wrote on it The World s Strongest Weightlifter and left it under his glass When he returned from making his call the glass was empty Under it was a new napkin with new writing that said: Thanks for the treat It was signed The World s Fastest Runne

For two solid hours the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren Oh I ve done all the talking and I m so sorry I know you certainly have something to say Please tell me what do you think of my grandchildren?

Two goobers were talking One was explaining to the other how the Lord often compensates for a person s natural deficiencies You see he said If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing or if his sense of taste has gone he may have a keen sense of smell I agree with you said the other I ve always noticed that if someone has one short leg the other one is always just that little bit longe

5 year old boy: I Love you Mom Mom: Awww I Love you Too 16 year Old Boy: I Love you Mom Mom: Sorry I Have no money 21 year Old Boy: I Love you Mom Mom: Hmmmmm who is she and where she lives ? Moral: Mom knows everything But the Best is 35 yr old man: Mom I love you Mom: I told you before itself don t marry that girl And the award winning one 55 yr old man: Mom I love you Mom: Son I will not sign any pape

A single woman who retired just a few months back walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch in her neighborhood I couldn t help noticing how happy you look she said What s your secret for a long happy life? I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day he said I also drink a case of whiskey a week eat fatty foods and never exercise That s amazing the woman said How old are you? Twenty-six he said

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting Dad: People this is unacceptable You have to limit the use of the phone I do not use this phone I use the one at the office Mum: Same here I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone Son: Me too I never use the home phone I always use my company mobile Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones

So tell me Mrs Smith asked the interviewer do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning? Well actually yes said the applicant modestly Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines and I also finished my novel Very impressive commented the interviewer but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours Mrs Smith explained brightly Oh that was during office hours

Titanic is going to be drowned Everybody in the ship is shouting crying running or praying to god just then a passenger asked the captain of the ship Passenger: How far is land from here ? Captain: Two miles Passenger: Only two miles Then why are these fools making noise I have got the experience of swimming even more Captain: % ?? Passenger: Just tell me which side land is two miles from here ? captain: Downwards

Esau Wood sawed wood All the wood Esau Wood saw Esau Wood would saw All the wood Wood saw Esau sought to saw One day Esau Wood`s wood-saw would saw no wood So Esau Wood sought a new wood-saw The new wood-saw would saw wood Oh the wood Esau Wood would saw Esau sought a saw that would saw wood as no other wood-saw would saw And Esau found a saw that would saw as no other wood-saw would saw And Esau Wood sawed wood