A large two engine train was crossing America After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down No problem the engineer thought and carried on at half-power Further on down the line the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped and made the following announcement: Ladies and gentlemen I have some good news and some bad news The bad news is that both engines have failed and we will be stuck here for some time The good news is that this is a train and not a plane

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Cohen s house and grandpa gets out The polite policeman explained I came upon this elderly gentleman who said that he was lost in the park and couldn t find his way home He did however know the address and so here we are Do you know this gentleman? Of course officer It s my Morris said grandma Cohen Turning to grandpa she said Morris You ve been going to that park for over 30 years How could you possibly get lost? Leaning close so that the policeman couldn t hear grandpa whispered Shhhh I wasn t lost I was just too tired to walk home

A survey was conducted by the U N The only question asked was Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world? The survey was a HUGE failure In Africa they did not know what food means In Western Europe they did not know what shortage means In Eastern Europe they did not know what opinion means In the Middle East they did not know what solution means In South America they did not know what please means In Asia they did not know what honest means And in the USA they did not know what THE REST OF THE WORLD means

A young Arab asks his father What is that weird hat you are wearing? The father said Why it s a chechia because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing? asked the young man It s a djbellah because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body said the father The son asked And what about those ugly shoes on your feet? His father replied These are babouches which keep us from burning our feet in the desert So tell me then added the boy Yes my son? Why are you living in Toronto and still wearing all this?

A new business was opening and one of the owner`s friends sent flowers for the occasion They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card It said Rest in Peace The owner told the friend that had sent them and the friend called the florist to complain After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was the florist said Sir I am really sorry for the mistake and added boy we are in trouble with some funeral home Imagine-somewhere there is a funeral-taking place today and they have flowers with your card saying Congratulations on your new location

After a night on the town a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink You can t make any noise she warned him My parents are upstairs and if they find out they ll kill us Things started getting heated on the sofa but after a while alcohol got the better of the man I have to go he said Well you can t go upstairs The bathroom is right next to my parents bedroom she replied Use the kitchen sink So he dutifully retired to the kitchen A few minutes later he popped his head around the door and asked Do you have any toilet paper or should I just use a paper towel?

The Pakistani Major had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from India Khan he ordered his aide-de-camp I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of Indian military activity Ok Major replied Khan He trudged up the mountain and as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading their way There are many planes coming Major he promptly radioed back Friends or enemies? the Major demanded urgently Khan again lifted his binoculars to the sky They re flying very closely together Major he replied I think they must be friends

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass The CO says Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank The CO was so impressed he asked How did you do it? Well I jumped in a tank and went toward the border with the Arabs I approached the border and saw an Arab tank I put my white flag up the Arab tank put his white flag up I said to the Arab soldier do you want to get a 3-day pass? So we exchanged tanks

A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different Something unusual was about to happen today He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o clock He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month Threes - that was it He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section Sure enough in the 3rd race there was a horse named Trio The fellow hurried to the bank drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win The horse finished 3rd

Mom: Hi Son what does IDK LY TTYL mean ? Son: I Don t Know Love You Talk To You Later Mom: It s ok don t worry about it I ll ask your Sister Love you too Dad: Son I have a Facebook account now accept my friend request Son: You re on Facebook now ? WTF Dad: What does WTF mean ? Son: Ohhh It means Welcome To Facebook Dad Mom: Son your grandmother passed away an hour ago LOL Son: How is that funny mom ? Mom: What do you mean Peter surely it is not funny Son: Mom LOL means: Laugh Out Loud Mom: Oh No I thought it meant: Lots Of Love I ll have to call everyone back and explain xU xQ

A young man living away from home writes to his parents: Dear folks I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money I feel ashamed and unhappy to have to ask for another hundred but every cell in my body rebels I beg on bended knee that you forgive me Your son Marvin P S I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner I wanted to take this letter and burn it I prayed that I could get it back But it was too late A few days later he received a letter from his father It said: Dear Son Your prayers were answered Your letter never came

A young man asked a rich old man: How he made his money ? The old guy said: Son it was 1932 The Depth of The Great Depression I was down to my last nickel I invested that in an apple and spent the entire day polishing it and at the end of the day I sold the apple for 10 Cents The next day I invested those 10 Cents in 2 apples I spent the entire day polishing them sold them for 20 Cents I continued this 4 a month by the end of which I had accumulated a fortune Of 1 37 Then my wife s father died left us 2 Million Dollars MORAL: Hard work is just shit Find a chick whose father is rich

Two avid hunters take a hunter s safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air Sure enough on their next hunting trip the two men get lost One says to the other What shall we do? The other says I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us He fires off three shots and they wait two hours No sign of help What shall we do? Fire off three more shots So he does Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark The one says Shall we try again? The other says I guess not I only have two arrows left

A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different Something unusual was about to happen today He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o clock He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month Threes - that was it He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section Sure enough in the 3rd race there was a horse named Trio The fellow hurried to the bank drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win The horse finished 3rd

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer No ma am we haven t had any for some weeks now and it doesn t look as if we ll be getting any soon Alarmed by what was being said the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said That isn t true ma am Of course we ll have some soon In fact we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled Never never never never say we don t have something If we don t have it say we ordered it and it s on its way Now what was it she wanted? The clerk smiled and said Rain