A man was speeding down the highway feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed However as they passed a speed trap he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over The officer handed him the citation received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked Officer I know I was speeding but I don t think it s fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast so why did I get the ticket? Ever go fishing? the policeman suddenly asked the man Um yeah the startled man replied The officer grinned and added Did you ever catch all the fish?

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid The office worker asked her How many children do you have? Eight she replied What are their names? he asked Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert Robert and Robert she answered They re all named Robert? he asked What if you want them to come in from playing outside? Oh that s easy she said I just call Robert and they all come running in And if you want them to come to the table for dinner? I just say Robert come eat your dinner she answered But what if you just want ONE of them to do something? he asked Oh that s easy she said I just use their last name

Q: How do you measure a His intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear Q: What is Banta doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought Q: Why did Banta stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said `concentrate` Q: How do you keep him busy? A: Write `Please turn over` on both sides of a piece of paper Q: Why can`t Banta make ice cubes? A: He always forget the recipe Q: How did he try to kill the bird? A: He threw it off a cliff Q: Why did he take his typewriter to the doctor ? A: He thought it was pregnant because it missed a period

This year I will 1 I will try to figure out why I really need 7 e-mail addresses 2 I will stop sending e-mail to my wife 3 I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own 4 I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail 5 I resolve to back up my 10GB hard drive daily well once a week okay monthly then or maybe 6 I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet 7 When I hear Where do you want to go today? I won`t reply MS Tech Support 8 I will read the manual 9 I will think of a password other than password 10 I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning

A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the George and the Dragon Although it s late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door The innkeeper s wife sticks her head out a window Could I have some food? he asks The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says No Any chance of a pint of ale then? No she says again Could I at least sleep in your barn? No By this time she was fairly shouting The down and out says OK Then Might I please ? What now? the woman interrupts impatiently Might I please have a word with George?

During camouflage training in Louisiana a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general You simpleton the officer barked Don t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did you could have endangered the lives of the entire company? Yes sir the solder answered apologetically But if I may say so I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the one say Let s eat one now and save the other until winter - that did it

Two men went bear hunting While one stayed in the cabin the other went out looking for a bear He soon found a huge bear shot at it but only wounded it The enraged bear charged toward him he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step Just as he reached the open cabin door he tripped and fell flat Too close behind to stop the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin The man jumped up closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside You skin this one while I go and get another one

A picky lady customer at a Supermarket s fruit department watches as a new delivery of fresh fruit is delivered Give me two kilo of oranges and wrap every orange in a separate piece of paper please the picky lady says to the saleslady Silently the sales lady serves the picky customer And three kilo of apples please and wrap each and every one in a separate piece of paper too Gritting her teeth the saleslady once again obliges the picky customer And what is that over there the picky customer says as she points to a basket in the corner Grapes says the saleslady with a big grin on her face but they are not for sale

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road Looking to the side of the road the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence Think it s safe to cross? the man asked I reckon so replied the farmer The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in In fact it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle Well shoot said the farmer scratching his head It only come up chest-high on my ducks

A picky lady customer at a Supermarket s fruit department watches as a new delivery of fresh fruit is delivered Give me two kilo of oranges and wrap every orange in a separate piece of paper please the picky lady says to the saleslady Silently the sales lady serves the picky customer And three kilo of apples please and wrap each and every one in a separate piece of paper too Gritting her teeth the saleslady once again obliges the picky customer And what is that over there the picky customer says as she points to a basket in the corner Grapes says the saleslady with a big grin on her face but they are not for sale

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania At noon when the lunch whistle blows two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building Your workers they re escaping cries the visitor You ve got to stop them Don t worry they ll be back says the American And indeed at exactly One o clock the whistle blows again and all the workers return from their break When the tour is over the manufacturer turns to his guest and says Well now which of these machines would you like to order? Forget the machines says the visitor How much do you want for that whistle?

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern At the table next to them sat a young girl The first man said I think it s WOOMB The second replied No it must be WOOOOMBH The third said You both have it wrong -- it s WOOM The fourth stated No it has to be WOOMMMMBBB At this the young lady could stand it no longer She got up walked over to the farmers and said Look you hayseeds it s WOMB That s it that s all there is to it Then she left Eventually one of the farmers broke the silence by saying Well I don t know A slip of a girl like that I don t see how she could know I ll bet she s never even heard an elephant fart

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight After they re airborne and the plane has leveled off the man in the window seat abruptly says distinctly and confidently in a low voice Admiral United States Navy retired Married two sons both surgeons After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tightlipped smile Admiral United States Navy retired Married two sons both judges After some thought the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims Master Chief Petty Officer United States Navy retired Never married two sons both Admirals

An employee was chatting on the web seriously with a lady called Amy Manager walks into his cube and asks Manager: Can you write me a program for sorting the float values Employee (Steve): I am kind of busy with another job I will be able to give you the complete program by tomorrow Back to chat Steve: Sorry for late reply My stupid boss was here Amy: Bosses are really pain right? Steve: Yep They are pain in Amy: Can you do me a favor darling Steve: I am for you honey Amy: Can you write me a program to sort float Steve: Oh honey It s on my finger tips Here you go Amy: Dude that is what I asked you at your cubicle

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully munches up After about 15 minutes she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts She repeats this gesture about five more times When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady why they don t eat the peanuts themselves We can t chew them because we ve no teeth she replied The puzzled driver asks Then why do you buy them then? The old lady replied We just love the chocolate around them