A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully munches up After about 15 minutes she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts She repeats this gesture about five more times When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady why they don t eat the peanuts themselves We can t chew them because we ve no teeth she replied The puzzled driver asks Then why do you buy them then? The old lady replied We just love the chocolate around them

A mafioso s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus He first writes Dear baby Jesus I have been a good boy the whole year so I want a new He looks at it then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again Dear baby Jesus I have been a good boy for most of the year so I want a new He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away He then gets an idea He goes into his mother s room takes a statue of the Virgin Mary puts it in the closet and locks the door He takes another piece of paper and writes Dear baby Jesus If you ever want to see your mother again

भारत में कोई भी शादी तब तक शादी नहीं मानी जाती
जब तक कोई फूफा या जीजा मुँह फुला कर बारात में से वापस न लौट जाएँ

A man was being interviewed for a job Were you in the service? ask the interviewer Yes I was a marine responded the applicant Did you see any active duty? I was in Iraq for 2 years and I have a partial disability May I ask what happened? Well I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles You re hired You can start Monday at 10 am When does everyone else start? I don t want any preferential treatment because of my disability Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you Nothing gets done between 7 and 10 We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters In the end the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out while the Israelis lost no planes Sometime later the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow His host the Soviet Defense Minister was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon He told his Syrian guest Take anything you want - our best tanks rifles or surface-to-air missiles No no - you don t understand the Syrian replied Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles

A new supermarket opened in Orlando Florida It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh Just before it goes on you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain When you pass the milk cases you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions When you approach the egg case you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies I don t buy toilet paper there any more

पुलिस - कल तुम्हें सुबह 5 बजे फाँसी दी जाएगी
सूंडु- हाहाहाहा
पुलिस - क्या हुआ
सुंडू - तेरा फूफा 9 बजे ऊठ्या करै

Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things… While Women STUCK to shopping

पुलिस - कल तुम्हें सुबह 5 बजे फाँसी दी जाएगी
सूंडु- हाहाहाहा
पुलिस - क्या हुआ
सुंडू - तेरा फूफा 9 बजे ऊठ्या करै

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions for the first time so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions The new priest hears a couple confessions then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions The old priest suggests Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand The new priest tries this The old priest suggests Try saying things like I see yes go on and I understand How did you feel about that? The new priest says those things The old priest says Now don t you think that s a little better than slapping your knee and saying No shit? ? What happened next?

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer No ma am we haven t had any for quite some time now and it doesn t look as if we ll be getting any more Alarmed by what was being said the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said That isn t true ma am Of course we ll have some soon In fact I personally placed an order for them just a couple of days ago Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled Never never never never say we don t have something If we don t have it say we ordered it and it s on its way Now what was it she asked if we had any? Poisonous spiders in the fruit department

Tim was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen Her natural beauty took his breath away I may look like just an ordinary man he said to her but in just a few years my father will die and I ll inherit 20 million dollars Impressed the woman obtained his business card and three days later she became his stepmother Women are so much better at estate planning than men

There is a story about monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several 100 feet in the air The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying One tourist got exceedingly nervous when he was half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they change the rope The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely Whenever it breaks

Charlie was a very successful marketing director Sadly his wife Rita dies At the cemetery Joe s friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads: Here lies Rita wife of Charlie MCIM Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd Charlie was standing in front of Rita s grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears His brother says to him I m not at all surprised that you find this distasteful It s right that you should cry pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita s headstone Through his tears Joe sobs You don t understand They left out the phone numbe

A busload of new recruits arrived at the reception center and was greeted by an old drill sergeant He began his speech: Welcome to Fort Dix men From now on I want you to think of the Army as your family and as your home Hearing this one of the recruits broke formation sat down and lit a cigarette Private what on earth are you doing? asked the sergeant Well said the private I`m just making myself at home Like you said this is my home Thinking fast the sergeant said Son you listen good and you`re right This is your home So as soon as you finish that cigarette I want you to report to the mess hall to help your mother with the dishes