A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas She s down to her last 50 Exasperated she exclaims Only bad luck What in the world should I do now? A man standing next to her suggests I don t know why don t you play your age? He walks away Moments later his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table Maybe she won He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd The lady is lying limp on the floor with the table operator kneeling over her The man is stunned He asks What happened? Is she all right? The operator replies I don t know She put all her money on 29 and 36 came up Then she just fainted

An airplane was flying from LA to New York About an hour into the flight the pilot announced We have lost an engine but don`t worry there are three left However instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York A little later the pilot announced A second engine failed but we still have two left However it will take 10 hours to get to New York Somewhat later the pilot again came on the intercom and announced A third engine had died Never fear because the plane can fly on a single engine However it will now take 18 hours to get to new York At this point one passenger said Gee I hope we don`t lose that last engine or we`ll be up here foreve

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed stating that in emergency situations the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes giving rescuers time to get to them Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door The pilots screams at him Didn t you hear what I said the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed? Of course I heard you the man replied but it s also designed to fly and look how good that one worked out

As the old man lies dying in the bedroom out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements Son says We ll make a real big thing out of it We ll have five hundred people We ll order fifty limos Daughter says Why do you want to waste money like that? We ll have the family and maybe a few friends One limo just for us They proceed Grandson says We ll have lots of flowers We ll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies dozens and dozens Daughter says What a waste We ll have one little bouquet that s enough Suddenly the voice of the old man is heard wafting weakly from the bedroom Why don t you get me my pants? I ll walk to the cemetery

An overweight colleague of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds He took his new diet seriously even changing his driving route to avoid his One morning however he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake We all scolded him but his smile remained cherubic This is a very special coffeecake he explained I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies I felt this was no accident so I prayed Lord if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery And sure enough he continued the eighth time around the block there it was

A young businessman was seated next to an elderly priest on an airplane Having a minor technical problem at the gate and the flight being delayed the Captain apologized and announced that the airline would be buying a free round of drinks When the charming and very attractive flight attendant came by the businessman ordered a double scotch Then she asked the priest if he would like a drink Oh no thank you replied the priest I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol Halting in mid-swallow and dribbling scotch down his front the businessman quickly replaced his drink on the beverage cart and replied Excuse me miss I didn t know I had a choice

An Army Officer was deployed to Afghanistan While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend In the letter she explained that she wants to break up as she is in love with someone else and wanted nothing further to do with him To add injury to the insult she said she wanted pictures of herself back So the Officer does what any squared away Officer would do He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: I m sorry I can t remember which one you are but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back Thank you

Jo sadiyaon se hota aaya hai woh repeat kar doonga tu naa mili to tujhko dil sey Ctrl+Alt+delete kar doonga ******* Company kee ladkiyaan sunder hain aur lonely hain problem ye hai ki bus voh read only hain ******* Shayad mere pyar ko taste karna bhool gaye dil sey aisa cut kiya ke paste karna bhool gaye ******* Woh samajhte hain dil tod diya to hum dead hain woh nahin jaante ki is dil main aur kitne thread hain ********* Tumhare samne hain itney item kabhi hamein bhi pick karo hamare pyar ke icon pe kabhi to tum double click karo ******** Roz subha hum karte hai itne pyar se unhe good morning woh humhe ghoor kar dekhte hain jaise error but 5 warning

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said: May I come in I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college A young man opened the door and let him in The old man examined the room fondly remembering everything He said The same old room the same old wooden table the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden And the same old bed When examining it he found a young girl under the bed The young man got alarmed and said Don t mistake me She is my cousin She dropped her earring and is searching for it The old man said And the same old story

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood The next morning while they were eating breakfast the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside That laundry is not very clean she said She doesn t know how to wash correctly Perhaps she needs better laundry soap Her husband looked on but remained silent Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry the young woman would make the same comments About one month later the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband Look she has learned how to wash correctly I wonder who taught her this? The husband said I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living Then one day the son hit the lottery and won ten million The young man rushed into town collected his money then hurried back home He ran across the field told his father the news and handed the older man Rs one thousand The father looked at the money for a moment and then said Son you know I ve always been careful with what little money we had I didn t spend it on liquor or women In fact I couldn t even afford the license to legally marry your Mom Pa the young man stammered do you know what that makes me? Yep said the old man fingering the thousand rupees and a cheap one too

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office What is your name? was the first thing the manager asked the new guy John the new guy replied The manager scowled Look I don t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before but I don t call anyone by their first name It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority I refer to my employees by their last name only Smith Jones Baker that s all I am to be referred to only as Mr Robertson Now that we got that straight what is your last name? The new guy sighed Darling My name is John Darling Okay John the next thing I want to tell you is

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between Complete and Finished However in a linguistic conference held in London England and attended by some of the best linguists in the world Samsundar Balgobin a Guyanese was the clever winner His final challenge was this Some say there is no difference between Complete and Finished Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand His response was: When you marry the right woman you are Complete If you marry the wrong woman you are Ffinished And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman you are Completely Finished His answer received a five minute standing ovation

Why do ENGINEERING students always prefer local author books than REFERENCE books??? The local author says: Jack Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after And REFERENCE BOOK says: 2 humans ascended a certain geological protuberance to collect hydride of oxygen whose quantity is not specified One member Jack of rapid irregular disturbing movements encounters fatal logical gravitational error leading to complete disarray Other member named Jill whose scope lies within disarray descends down the geographical protuberance at an acceleration whose magnitude is controlled by the force of gravity

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad Now that she was getting on in years she thought she would really like to do so before she died But until now she d never even been out of the country So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued You must take the loyalty oath first responded the passport clerk Raise your right hand please The old gal raised her right hand Do you swear to defend the Constitution of this country against all its enemies domestic or foreign? was the first question The little old lady s face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice Uhhh all by myself ?