An angry bartender was closing up for the night when he heard a knock at the door He opened the door didn t see anybody and was about to close the door when a voice called Hey down here The bartender looked down and saw a snail Hey the snail asked How about a drink? The angry bartender snarled First of all we re closed Secondly we don t serve snails And with that the bartender kicked the snail all the way across the street A month later the same angry bartender was closing up for the night when there was a knock at the door He opened the door and there was the same snail from last month You know the snail said you didn t have to kick me

A turkey was chatting with a bull I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree sighed the turkey but I haven t got the energy Well why don t you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull They re packed with nutrients The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree The next day after eating some more dung he reached the second branch Finally after a fortnight there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer who shot the turkey out of the tree Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top but it won t keep you there

There s a man trying to cross the street As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him The man walks faster trying to hurry across the street but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him So the guy turns around to go back but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him By now the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road The car gets real close then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him The driver rolls down the window The driver is a squirrel The squirrel says to the man See it s not as easy as it looks is it?

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot They were an elephant a giraffe and a hen The elephant complained Lord I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me It gets in the way and makes me look like a fool The Lord said Don t complain It lets you pick up food drink water etc without getting wet Next the giraffe complained Lord I HATE THIS LONG NECK It makes me top heavy I get terrible neck pains and people laugh at me The Lord said Don t complain It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches and allows you to see a distance The hen spoke up Lord I don t want to complain but either let me have a bigger hole or smaller eggs

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot They were an elephant a giraffe and a hen The elephant complained Lord I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me It gets in the way and makes me look like a fool The Lord said Don t complain It lets you pick up food drink water etc without getting wet Next the giraffe complained Lord I HATE THIS LONG NECK It makes me top heavy I get terrible neck pains and people laugh at me The Lord said Don t complain It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches and allows you to see a distance The hen spoke up Lord I don t want to complain but either let me have a bigger hole or smaller eggs

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking? Another educational story about parents teaching kids Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship Follow me son the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing And they did Well done son Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing And they did Now we eat everybody And they did When they were both gorged the son asked Dad why didn t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them? His wise father replied Because they taste better without the shit inside

A Panda bear walks into a bar Sits down at a table and orders a beer and a double cheeseburger After he is finished eating he pulls out a gun and rips the place with gunfire Patrons scatter and dive under chairs and tables as the bear runs out the door After ensuring that no one is hurt the bartender races out the door and calls after the bear What the censored did you do that for? The bear calls back I`m a Panda bear Look it up in the dictionary The bartender returns pulls out his dictionary Panda : Pan da n (Zo[ o]l ) A small Asiatic mammal (Ailurus fulgens) having fine soft fur It is related to the bears and inhabits the mountains of Northern India Eats shoots and leaves

A lion woke up one morning with the urge to inflict his superiority on his fellow beasts So he strode over to a monkey and roared: Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle? You are Master said the monkey quivering Then the lion came across a warthog Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle? roared the lion You are Master said the warthog shaking with fear Next the lion met an elephant Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle? roared the lion The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk slammed him against a tree half a dozen times dropped him like a stone and ambled off All right shouted the lion There s no need to turn nasty just because you don t know the answe

A pedestrian stepped off the curb to cross the street and a car suddenly came screaming around the corner and headed straight for him He started to run trying to get out of the way but the car changed lanes and was still coming at him He turned around to go back to the curb but the car changed lanes again and was heading right for him As the car approached the man became so frightened that he froze and stopped in the middle of the road At the last possible moment the car swerved and screeched to a halt right beside him The window rolled down and he was amazed to see that the driver was a large squirrel The squirrel looked him up and down and said See it s not as easy as it looks is it?

A woman walks into a pet shop hoping to find the right pet She wonders around for a while and she stumbles on to this big ass parrot in this huge cage She checks it out for a minute and notices that the parrot has two strings hanging down On the right foot is a red string and on the left foot is a yellow string She calls the pet shop manager over and asks him what the strings mean He say s Well madam if you pull the red string he will sing a hymn and if you pull the yellow string he will say a prayer So the woman thinks out loud What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time? The parrots eyes got real big and he looked at her and screamed out I d fall on my ass you silly bitch

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars Why does the parrot cost so much asks the first man The owner says Well the parrot knows how to use a computer The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1 000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2 000 dollars Needless to say this begs the question What can it do? To which the owner replies To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss

A duck hunter needed a new bird dog so he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve the duck Shocked by his find he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his a true pessimist and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog As they waited by the shore a flock of ducks flew by They fired and a duck fell The dog responded and jumped into the water The dog however did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird never getting more than his paws wet The friend saw everything but didn t say a single word On the drive home the hunter asked his friend Did you notice anything funny about my new dog? I sure did responded his friend He can t swim

One day Mickey Mouse asks Donald Duck to tell him Ramayana Donald duck is impressed and starts reading verses from Ramayana Mickey Mouse continues to listen After completing the whole Ramayan Donald Duck lets out a big sigh and asks Mickey Mouse Mickey Mouse tell me who was the father of Lord Ram? Mickey Mouse cannot Angry Donald duck again asks Mickey Mouse tell me what was the capital of Ram s kingdom Mickey Mouse cannot answer again Infuriated Donald Duck kicks Mickey Mouse hard and MickeyMouse goes and collides with a wall As soon as he collides with the wall he gets up and starts saying verses of Ramayana from start to end How did this happen??? Think Think After hitting the wall Mickey becomes Wall-Mickey (Valmiki) Bolo Jai Shree Ram

One day a man was sitting on his sofa at home when he heard a knock at the door He got up to see who it was but when he opened the door no one was there Just as he was about to sit down he heard the knock again but when he got there again there was no one at the door He scratched his head looked around for a second and looked down to see a tiny snail on the porch He picked up the snail threw it into a field across the street and headed back inside to watch television again Three Years Later The same man is sitting on his sofa watching TV and hears a knock at the door He gets up and goes to see who`s there and there is no one He looks around for a second and just as he is about to close the door he looks down and sees the snail who looks back up and says What the Hell was that all about ?

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor`s pet rabbit in his mouth The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever so he takes the dirty chewed-up rabbit into the house gives it a bath blow-dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor`s house hoping that they will think it died of natural causes A few days later the neighbor is outside and asks the guy Did you hear that Fluffy died? The guy stumbles around and says Um no um what happened? The neighbor replies We just found him dead in his cage one day but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up gave him a bath and put him back into the cage There must be some real sick people out there