Sachin received a parrot for his birthday This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary Every other word was an expletive Those that weren`t expletives were to say the least rude Sachin tried hard to change the bird`s attitude and was constantly saying polite words playing soft music anything that came to mind Nothing worked He yelled at the bird the bird got worse He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder Finally in a moment of desperation Sachin put the parrot in the freezer For a few moments he heard the bird squawking kicking and screaming and then suddenly all was quiet Sachin was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door The parrot calmly stepped out onto Sachin`s extended arm and said: I`m sorry that I offended you with my language and actions I ask for your forgiveness I will try to check my behavior Sachin was astounded at the bird`s change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued May I ask what the chicken did?

This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet So he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual pet After some discussion he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house He took the box back home found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink So he asked the centipede in the box Would you like to go to Frank`s with me for a beer? But there was no answer from his new pet This bothered him a bit but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again How about going to the bar and having a drink with me? But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet So he waited a few more minutes thinking about the situation and he decided to ask him one more time This time putting his face up against the centipede`s little house he shouted HEY IN THERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK`S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME? A little voice came out of the box I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME I`M PUTTING ON MY SHOES

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past looked up and said Hey Koala What are you doing? The koala said Smoking a joint come up and have some So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits After awhile the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side Then he asked the little lizard hat s the matter with you? The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree smoking a joint but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint The crocodile looked up and said Hey you So the koala looked down at him and said Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude How much water did you drink?

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car The officer looked down at the monkey and said I wish you could talk The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down You can understand what I am saying? asked the officer Again the monkey shook his head up and down Well did you see this? Yes motioned the monkey What happened? The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth They were drinking? asked the officer The monkey shakes his head Yes What else? The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth They were smoking marijuana? The monkey shakes his head Yes What else? The monkey motioned kissing They were kissiing too? asked the astounded officer The monkey shakes his head Yes Now wait you are saying your owners were drinking smoking and kissing before they wrecked The monkey shakes his head Yes What were you doing during all this? Driving motioned the monkey

In a poor zoo of India a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the US Zoo The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also On its first day after arrival the lion was offered a big bag sealed very nicely for breakfast The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few bananas Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India The next day the same thing happened On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered The lion was so furious it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him Don t you know I am the lion king of the Jungle what s wrong with your management? what nonsense is this? Why are you delivering bananas to me? The delivery boy politely said Sir I know you are the king of the jungle but did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey s visa Moral: Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls To everyone s amazement he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole The bartender looked at the guy and said Did you see what your monkey just did? No what? He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole Yeah that doesn t surprise me replied the guy he eats everything in sight don t worry I ll pay for the cue ball The guy finished his drink paid his bill paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar The monkey found a cherry on the bar He grabbed it stuck it up his butt pulled it out and then ate it Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt pulled it out and ate it The bartender asked Did you see what that filthy ape just did? No what? asked the man Well he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse then he pulled them out and ate them Yeah that doesn t surprise me replied the guy He ll eat anything but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball he measures everything first

After dying this cat walked up to the Pearly Gates where he met St Peter St Peter says to the cat During your time on earth you were a good little cat You kept your masters house barn free of pests and for this faithful service you get one wish for anything you would particularly like ”The cat thinks for a moment before replying Well my master had this satin pillow that I loved so I would like a satin pillow just like that one ”St Peter replies Go on through you`ll find it waiting A little while later a group of field mice appear at the Pearly Gates St Peter greets them saying During your time on earth you were good little field mice You kept the other pests from destroying the farmers crop so as a reward you may have anything you like in heaven The field mice converse briefly before one steps forward and says The farmers children had roller skates and they looked like a lot of fun so that`s what we`d like St Peter replies Go on through you`ll find them waitng A while later St Peter was strolling through Heaven when he came across the cat who was sitting on his satin pillow purring contentedly So how are you enjoying Heaven? St Peter inquired Oh it`s wonderful answered the cat This pillow is just divine even better than the one I had in Earth and the Meals on Wheels *kisses his paw* Nice Touch

A few days before Christmas a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife The store manager tells him he has just what he`s looking for A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols He brings the husband over to the colourful but quiet bird The man agrees that Chet certainly is retty but he doesn`t seem to be much for singing The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet`s left foot Immediately Chet starts singing; Silent Night Holy Night The husband is very impressed with Chet`s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet`s right foot Chet now starts to sing Jingle Bells Jingle All the Way The husband says Chet is perfect and that he`ll take him The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot`s special talent Demonstrating he holds a lighter under Chet`s left foot and the bird sings Silent Night He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of Jingle Bells The wife is absolutely impressed and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet`s legs instead Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird`s legs and the bird begins to sing Chet`s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire

Joe did like he always does kissing his wife crawling into bed and falling to sleep All of a sudden he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? and who are you? he asked This is not your bedroom the man replied I am St Peter and you are in heaven WHAT ? Are you saying I m dead? I don t want to die I m too young said Joe If I m dead I want you to send me back immediately It s not that easy said St Peter you can only return as a dog or a hen You can choose on your own Joe thought about it for a while and figured out that being a dog is too tiring but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life Running around with a rooster can t be that bad I want to return as a hen Joe replied In the next second he found himself in a chicken run nicely feathered But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow then along came the rooster Hey you must be the new hen on the farm he said How does it feel? Well it s OK I guess but it feels like my rear end is blowing up Oh that said the rooster That s only the ovulation going on Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice and then you push all you can Joe clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for and then Plop and an egg was on the ground Wow Joe said that felt really good So he clucked again and squeezed And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground The third time he clucked he heard his wife shout Joe for Christ s sake Wake up you re shittin all over the bed

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa He took his faithful pet dog along for company One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost So wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch The dog thinks Boy I`m in deep trouble now Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat Just as the leopard is about to leap the dog exclaims loudly Man that was one delicious leopard I wonder if there are any more around here? Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride as a look of terror comes over him and slinks away into the trees Whew says the leopard That was close That dog nearly had me Meanwhile a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard So off he goes But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something must be up The monkey soon catches up with the leopard spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says Here monkey hop on my back and see what`s going to happen to that conniving canine Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks What am I going to do now? But instead of running the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn`t seen them yet And just when they get close enough to hear the dog says Where`s that monkey I just can never trust him I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard and he`s still not back

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane The second man explains I m a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a Sniffer dog His name is Smithy and he s the best there is I ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work The plane takes off and once it has levelled out the agent says Watch this He tells Smithy to search Smithy jumps down walks along the aisle and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent s arm The agent says Good boy and he turns to the man and says That woman is in possession of marijuana so I m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land Say that s pretty neat replies the first man Once again the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles The dog sniffs about sits down beside a man for a few seconds returns to his seat and this time he places TWO paws on the agent s arm The agent says That man is carrying cocaine so again I m making note of his seat number for the police I like it says his seat mate The agent then tells Smithy to search again Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this so he asks the agent What s going on? The agent nervously replies He just found a bom

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything The shop owner suggests a faithful dog The man replies Come on a dog? The owner says How about a cat? The man replies No way A cat certainly can`t do everything I want a pet that can do everything The shop owner thinks for a minute then says I`ve got it A centipede The man says A centipede? I can`t imagine a centipede doing everything but okay I`ll try a centipede He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede Clean the kitchen Thirty minutes later he walks into the kitchen and it`s immaculate All the dishes and silverware have been washed dried and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed He`s absolutely amazed He says to the centipede Go clean the living room Twenty minutes later he walks into the living room The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered The man thinks to himself This is the most amazing thing I`ve ever seen This really is a pet that can do everything Next he says to the centipede Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper The centipede walks out the door 10 minutes later no centipede 20 minutes later no centipede 30 minutes later no centipede By this point the man is wondering what`s going on The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes 45 minutes later still no centipede He can`t imagine what could have happened Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door opens it and there`s the centipede sitting right outside The man says Hey I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper What`s the matter? The centipede says I`m goin` I`m goin` I`m just puttin` on my shoes