A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store The parrot said to her Hey lady You are really ugly The lady was furious She stormed past the store to her work On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her Hey lady you are really ugly She was incredibly ticked now The next day the same parrot again said to her Hey lady you are really ugly The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and to get rid of the bird if they didn t do something about it The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn t say it again When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her Hey lady She paused and said Yes ? And the bird replied You know

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players calling raising discarding everything the other human players were doing However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog they just treated him like any other player Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players I can t believe that dog is playing poker he must be the smartest dog in the world The player smiled and said He isn t that smart every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says You are mighty lion Later the lion confronts a deer and bellows Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The terrified deer stammers Oh great lion you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle On a roll now the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? Fast as lightning the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk slams him against a tree half a dozen times the lion is feeling like it d been run over by a safari wagon The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla then crapped on it and ambled away The lion hollered after the elephant Damn just because you don t know the answer you don t have to get so pissedd off

A man gets on a plane with his dog You can t bring a dog on this plane says the stewardess But this dog is special says the passenger he s a sniffer dog Prove it says the stewardess The man clicks his fingers and the dog runs off down the plane After a minute the dog reappears jumps on his lap and licks his left cheek What s that mean? says the stewardess It means there s drugs on board says the man What else can he do? The man clicks his fingers the dog runs off again He reappears jumps up and licks his right cheek What s that mean? says the stewardess It means there s a gun aboard says the man Oh dear says the stewardess That s a bit more serious Can he do anything else? The man sends the dog off again This time he comes racing back jumps up onto his seat and craps all over the place What ever does that mean? says the stewardess The man nervously replies Sniffer just found a bom

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says You are mighty lion Later the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The terrified ox stammers Oh great lion you are the mightiest animal in the jungle On a roll now the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? Fast as lightning the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it d been run over by a safari wagon The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away The lion lets out a moan of pain lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant Just because you don t know the answer you don t have to get so upset about it

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says You are mighty lion Later the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The terrified wildbeest stammers Oh great lion you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle On a roll now the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? Fast as lightning the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk slams him against a tree half a dozen times The lion feeling like it`d been run over by a safari wagon The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away The lion let out a moan of pain lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant Just because you don`t know the answer you don`t have to get so mad

A snail was moving along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets After moving along for about four weeks the snail looked back again and saw that the three turtles were still there and closing in on him So the snail picked up his pace After about six more weeks the snail looked back again and saw that the turtles were still chasing him And they were getting closer and closer So he kept on going as fast as he could After another few weeks the turtles finally caught up with the snail and mugged him took all of his clothes and the keys to his car After another couple of weeks the snail got to a pay phone and called the police I`ve been mugged by three turtles wearing leather jackets You need to get down here and take a report or do something he said Can you give us a description of the turtles? asked the police officer No I can`t It all happened too fast cried the snail

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm To get there he must drive his tractor and his dog old Joe trots along beside him Halfway through the plowing the tractor runs out of fuel He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride which just happens to be a Ferrari The driver says You can have a ride but that dog can t get in my car The farmer says Don t worry Old Joe will keep up The driver figures he ll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip Just as he is going into 5th gear he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him He can t wait to have a look at the amazing dog so he slams on the brakes and the car stops rather abruptly The driver jumps out exclaiming He s the most incredible dog I ve ever seen But what kind of collar is that he s wearing? The farmer shook his head and said That s not a collar That s his asshole He s not used to stopping that fast

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey Hey what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint come up and have some So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get adrink from the river The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side then asks the lizard What s the matter with you? The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle finds the tree were the monkey is sitting finishing a joint and he looks up and says Hey you The Monkey looks down and says Faaaaaaark dude how much water did you drink?

A tiny turtle began to climb a tree very slowly Three hours later it reached the top climbed on to an outside branch jumped into the air waving its front legs and crashed to the ground Saved by its shell the tiny turtle started to climb the tree again Four hours later it reached the top climbed on to a branch jumped into the air waving its front legs and crashed to the ground Undaunted the tiny turtle tried again Four hours later it reached the top climbed to a branch jumped into the air waving its front legs and crashed to the ground Undaunted the tiny turtle tried again This time it took five hours to climb to the top of the tree Once there it stumbled on to an outside branch jumped into the air waving its front legs and crashed to the ground As the tiny turtle dusted itself down for yet another laborious ascent of the tree two birds were watching from above The female bird turned to the male and said Darling don t you think it s time we told him he s adopted?

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot who d seen all the magician s tricks a jillion times long ago having figured out the magic behind the magician s disappearing acts The parrot got bored his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot couldn t figure out One night in the middle of the magician s performance the ship hit an iceberg and sank Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard immediately collapsing from exhaustion Soon afterward the parrot flew to the magician perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician And stared And stared For a whole day the magician was unconscious and all this time the parrot didn t take his eyes off him Eventually the magician started to stir Looking up he saw the parrot still eyeing him intently not even blinking Another hour goes by and finally the parrot squawks Awright I give up What did you do with the ship?

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm The zebra was so excited she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited Hi I`m a zebra What are you? I`m a cow said the cow Right right what do you do? I make milk for the farmer Cool The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it Hi I`m a zebra What are you? I`m a chicken said the chicken Oh right what do you do? I make eggs for the farmer Right great see you round Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes She ran over to it and said Hi I`m a zebra What are you? I am a horse said the horse Wow said the zebra What do you do? Take off your pajamas darling and I`ll show you

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla up in the tree in his front yard Not knowing quite what to do he looks in the yellow pages under Gorilla Removal Service and sure enough finds a listing-Harry`s Ape Removal So he calls up Harry and about an hour later Harry shows up with all the tools of his trade a pick-up truck a pair of handcuffs a ferociously-trained dog and a shotgun Harry then proceeds to explain the removal procedure to the man because he will need help: Now I`m going to climb up in this tree and shake the tree until the gorilla falls out of the tree The very instant the gorilla hits the ground this daog is trained to rush up and bite his balls off This will temporarily immobilize the gorilla allowing you to safely walk up and place the handcuffs on him I`ll then get him into the truck while he`s still in a daze Harry then begins to climb the tree and the man asks Hey what`s the shotgun for? Oh yes says Harry occasionally when I shake the tree the gorilla shakes back and if I fall shoot the damn dog

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side So all the bats were honored to take part The rules were simple Whichever bat drinks more blood will be the winner So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes Her mouth was full of blood Dracula says Congratulations how did you do that? The bat said Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house I went in and sucked the blood of all the family Very good said Dracula The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood Astonished Dracula says How did you do that? The bat replies Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school I went in and drunk the blood of all the children Impressive said Dracula Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe Dracula is stunned How on earth did you do that???? he asked And the bat replies Do you see this tower? Dracula replies with a yes And the bat says Well I didn t

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and to everyone s relief confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts However during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird s beaks and claws By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout Cah not a single one could shout Truck