The story may be manufactured or may be real but great for a good laugh A Singapore millionaire secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in plus gave her a monthly allowance of US 5 000 The house cost him about US 700 000 in 2005 the affair lasted for 5 years He sold the house this year for 3 8 million after they broke up A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman he still had a net gain of 2 8 million plus six years of FREE LOVE When his wife found out about this he offers the 2 8 million to her But she was still not happy and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said BLOODY IDIOT STUPID FOOL Why the hell didn t you keep TWO MISTRESSES

Just Before the Weekly Bridge Game Mr and Mrs Jones were an average middle-aged couple who got along well enough as long as Mr Jones didn t put his foot in his mouth One day she was running late for the weekly bridge game with her friends she was hosting and just before she got into the shower she gave her husband strict instructions to just let the ladies in without talking to them too much When she finished having her shower and was finally done she came downstairs all dressed up for the little party but no one was there except her husband Mr Jones looked somewhat bewildered and he began to explain immediately Mrs Smith said she had been having trouble with mice in her house and Mrs Brown said that she just stuffed steel wool in their little holes so I asked her who held their little legs apart

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws place He was absolutely positive that his wife was going to present him with a boy and wouldn`t hear of anything else As his leave balance had gone into the red he told his father-in-law When my son comes do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy Then I`ll have to shell out a lot for parties etc Just tell me that the clock has arrived This will be our code for the arrival of my son The offspring does arrive one day but it`s a daughter The father-in-law now thinks If I tell him that the clock has not arrived he`ll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over So he sends the message The clock has arrived but the pendulum is missing

Fresh from her shower a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small Instead of characteristically telling her it s not so the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion If you want your breasts to grow then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds Willing to try anything the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror rubbing it between her breasts How long will this take? she asks They ll grow larger over a period of years he replies The wife stops Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years? Worked for your butt didn t it? He lived And with a great deal of therapy may even walk again

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy Elizabeth a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and called out Are you okay what s your name? Its Jack and I m Okay thanks I replied Jack forget your troubles Come to my villa rest a while and I ll help you get the cart up later That s mighty nice of you I answered but I don t think my wife would like it Oh come on Elizabeth insisted She was very pretty very sexy and persuasive I was weak Well okay I finally agreed and added but my wife won t like it After a restorative brandy and some creative putting lessons I thanked my host I feel a lot better now but I know my wife is going to be really upset Don t be silly Elizabeth said with a smile She won t know anything By the way where is she? Under the cart I said

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven God comes and says I want the men to make two lines One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women Also I want all the women to go with St Peter Said and done the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long and in the line of men that dominated their women there was only one man God got mad and said You men should be ashamed of yourselves I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud Learn from him Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one in this line? And the man replied I don`t know my wife told me to stand here

Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser having a chat Sadie says Rose how s that daughter of yours? Rose replies She s OK thanks She married a fantastic man He s got such a good job in the City that she gave up her secretary s job She stays at home but never needs to cook because he always takes her out or clean the house because he got her a maid or worry about my 2 lovely grandchildren because he got her a live-in nanny Rose then asks And how s your son? Sadie replies His life is awful He married a bitch from hell She never cooks anything and makes him take her out to dinner every night God forbid she should vacuum a carpet so she made him get her a maid He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get her a nanny

One day an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you? No replied the nervous immigrant Did you hear her tell someone else that she`s gonna kill you? No Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you? No Then why did you think she`s gonna kill you? asked the exasperated police officer Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me He handed the police officer the suspect bottle The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud The immigrant became indignant and said What so funny? Can`t you see the label on bottle said `Polish Remover`?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven God comes and says I want the men to make two lines One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women Also I want all the women to go with St Peter Said and done the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long and in the line of men that dominated their women there was only one man God got mad and said You men should be ashamed of yourselves I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud Learn from him Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one in this line? And the man replied I don t know my wife told me to stand here

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor`s office After his checkup the doctor called the wife into his office alone He said Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease combined with horrible stress If you don`t do the following your husband will surely die Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood For lunch make him a nutritious meal For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him Don`t burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day Don`t discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse And most importantly satisfy his every whim If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year I think your husband will regain his health completely On the way home the husband asked his wife What did the doctor say? You`re going to die she replied

During work John and William were chatting: John: William I ve been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week William: oh John: For example do you know who is Graham Bell? William: No John: He s the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this The next day the same discussion took place: John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas? William: No John: He s the author of The 3 Musketeers if you take night courses you would know this The next day once again: John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau? William: No John: He s the author of Confessions if you take night courses you would know this This time William got irritated and said: And you do you know who is George Hunt? John: No William: He s the guy enjoying with your wife If you stop night courses you would know this

Just after I got married I was invited out for a night with the boys I told my wife that I would be home by midnight promise Well the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy At around 2:30 am drunk as a skunk I went home Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed 3 times Quickly I realized she d probably wake up so I cuckooed another 9 times I was really proud of myself having the quick wittedness - even when smashed - to escape a possible conflict Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o clock She didn t seem disturbed at all Whew Got away with that one She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock When I asked her why she said Well it cuckooed 3 times said dang it cuckooed another 4 times farted cuckooed another 3 times cleared its throat and cuckooed twice and giggled

An old man and his wife have gone to bed After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says Seven Points His wife rolls over and says What in the world was that? The old man replied It’s fart football A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - Touchdown tie score After about five minutes the old man farts again and says Touchdown I’m ahead 14 to 7 Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says Touchdown tie score Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says Fieldgoal I lead 17 to 14 Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed The wife looks and says What the heck was that? The old man replied Half-time Switch sides

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming He panicked and started to pray God please get my foot out of these tracks and I ll stop drinking Nothing happened it was still stuck and the train was getting closer He prayed again God please get my foot out and I ll stop drinking AND cussing Still nothing and the train was just seconds away He tried it one more time God please if you get my foot out of the tracks I ll quit drinking cussing smoking and having sex with all the women I meet Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way just as the train passed He got up dusted himself off looked toward Heaven and said Thanks anyway God I got it myself

There was this artist who worked from a studio in his home He specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now As usual his model reported and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk she began to undress for the day s work He told her not to bother as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting He told her that he would pay her for the day but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then off to bed The model said Oh please let me fix it for you It s the least I can do He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and close then some familiar footsteps Oh my God he whispered loudly It s my wife Quick Take all your clothes off